One Dinosaur's Oblivion

Fourteenth Step: A Brief Interlude

2006-06-14T13:39:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile, again, and this is gonna be a short one. The next one is all about Super King's experiences in the Arena (which, so far, is about the most amazingly lame part in a game that can be pretty amazingly lame). For now let's tie up a couple loose ends.

Super King, willful guy that he is, is easily distracted by a new quest that pops up on his roster.

You don't say...

Well there's no time to waste!! We hustle off to the frozen norths of Bravil to look up this Andragil lady and see what she has to say. Turns out she's the "Master" Block trainer, and if we complete a task for her she'll be only too happy to teach us everything we want to know about blocking and what have you.

Lay it on me, babe!

The quest is tooooooo... block for awhile while she hits you with a low damage weapon. Are you kidding me?! I thought I'd at least have to block a ferocious pterodactyl while falling off a cliff into a lake of searing lava a thousand feet below. THAT would've been a cool quest! Standing there for forty seconds with the right mouse button held is, uhm... not really as fun. Super King tends to agree with me, but as easy as it is it seems like it'd be a waste NOT to do it and have the mysterious secrets of the universe opened up to us. So we settle in our shield and she lays into us.

The test completed, Super King imagines himself soon behind a shield of crimson and gold, fending off the hordes of the uncouth barbarians that walk this land, their piercing barbs unable to find purchase due to his masterful skills at the protective arts.

It's actually not as fun as that... the lady just charges you money to level up your Block skill. Well Super King ain't no goddang SUCKER! Ain't nobody gonna charge him money for something he could get for free!! Or... that's what he'd say anyway, if it weren't for the fact that he's a lazy kannicker and he doesn't want to waste his time standing in front of a rat with his shield held in front of him. Alright lady, fine, sign me up for five levels of Block.

Now on to the next quest! Follow the creepy ghost!

Hey creepy ghost, I'm supposed to follow you!

Right into the bears... NOOOOOOOO!!!

Bears dispatched, the following of the ghost continues until we reach his hidey-hole, all locked up in the bottom of a sunken ship.

Well now. There's something you don't see every day.

The ghost's reward, and I don't want you to get too excited about this, is pirate booty. Normally pirate booty is totally cool, and Super King totally TOTALLY gets pumped up for dubloons and cutlasses, but instead it's a rotting underwater chest filled with worthless rocks and scrolls. In what universe is a diamond worth exactly jack and crap? That sucks!!

Next we're shipped out to some island to find a lady's husband. Strange statues greet our arrival.

This isn't some creepy Jesus island, is it? 'cause I'm not really into that.

It's true!! Dinosaurs have their own religion, it's called "being totally awesome and kicking ass all the time forever". Super King told me he'd let you join, but you sort of have to be a dinosaur to do it... better luck next time?

The kidnapped farmer has SO MUCH POWER that he BREAKS MY FONT COLORS!

Listen buddy, I have no idea what you just said.

But I sorta figure it out, it's like we're in that movie where Ice Tea is the hobo hunted by the rich guy for money. And if he wins he gets a whole bunch of cash and if he loses... well, you can figure it out.

The difference with this one is instead of being a naked Vietnam veteran in the forest that I get to keep all my equipment, and all I have to do is waste some losers in glass armor. It does give me lots of glass armor!

We try it on just to see what it looks like...

Wow. I'm not gonna be winning any fashion contests in this abortion they call armor.

Then the orc who organized the whole "game" jumps us and kills the farmer!! Goddangit, now I won't get sweet loving from the farmer's old lady!!

...or will I?

You'd be more intimidating saying that if your hair wasn't made up like an R&B Diva circa 1994.

Next! We have to reunite some twin brothers in Cheydinhal or something!! The townspeople don't seem to get that there are people that look exactly like other people, called twins, and call on the superior intellect of the dinosaur people to solve this peculiar dilemma. Super King accomplishes this feat with the ancient, lost art of INTRODUCING THEM TO EACH OTHER.

Are you sure I'm not just looking into a MAGICAL MYSTICAL MIRROR?!

Then we get to drink beer!!

Brother, you are speaking my language.

He doesn't, but only because I already stole it... er... I mean... let's drink some more!!

Returning to town, we find out that the magical sword we found in a nearby cave once belonged to the town of Chorrol, and what's more it was stolen by the father of the twins and that's why they were separated!! Or something... anyway, this Thieves Guild fence tells us to give it to him...

I will gladly waive all payment if you get a dang haircut

...but he just offers us some piddly sum of money. Instead Super King does the 'right thing' and returns it to its rightful owners, some bitchy noble woman in Chorrol's castle. We're justly rewarded with...

A shield.

This is what the Romans used to call 'irony'.

I know it's not irony.

Well, at least that block training won't go to waste!!

Thirteenth Step: Same As It Ever Was

2006-06-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

So you know how I got to be king of the Assassin's Guild? Turns out that the 'great prizes' that come with being king of the Assassin's Guild amounts to an ASTONISHING 200 gold a week, if you actually can be bothered to struggle through traveling to one town, getting a mission from the psycho ghost under that statute, relaying the information to that boneheaded Assassin chick, and then waiting a couple days to get your payment. Essentially three days of work for a SOLID 200 gold. I can make more than that by killing a bandit and -leaving- his corpse there. You profit from the dividends! Try it, I swear!

Super King has an idea, and I am never one to poo-poo his suggestions. We're gonna join the Mages Guild!!

The Mages Guild is a little irritating. It seems that half the quests involve pleasing every single guildmaster across the realms so you can actually get -access- to the Guild. Irritating, sure, but at least relatively few of them so far have involved outright FedEx quests.

Shall we begin?

Oh wait... FedEx quest...

But it has a twist!! A comely dinosaur lass tells us that this guildmaster has some sort of vendetta against wannabe members of the guild. He's sending me down there on a suicide mission! I guess the idea is I'll pick up the ring, which weighs the weight of ten thousand rings, and summarily be unable to move.

Baby, I'd trade it all for one look under your skirt.

Apparently Mages Guild initiates aren't that smart. Super King and I come up with a devious plan. Stop me if this blows your mind... but the general idea is this: if we can't move while holding the ring... we're just gonna let go of the ring.

Also, Super King's a FREAKING DINOSAUR. And, last time we checked, ain't nobody drowning no dinosaur.

100% Breath! GILLS 4 LIFE, BITCHES!!

Then there's another quest where I can't remember how it started. We had to get some amulet for some chick, and I start to realize that me saying there were no FedEx quests in this chain was sort of an outright lie. My bad!

Raiding strongholds: never seen one of these before.

After about ten doors...

OMG!! STEALTH WARLORD!

OMG!! LAND CRABS!!

I know what you're thinking, and it's true. They were both delicious AND nutritious.

Super King doesn't let himself get distracted by silly ideas of man-sized crabs with a similar amount of delicious meat to compensate. He has a job to do!!
x
Also... we forgot to put our pants on again. I'm not doing this as a joke. It's seriously always been an accident.

Why does this keep happening??

So we get the amulet back, and then some guild lady tells us a long boring story. Blah blah blah, lady! Can you just give us the chore so we can get our stupid recommendation? Seriously, I'm getting a little tired of being the Mages Guild's gopher!

Yeah, I know. I just killed a whole bunch of people in this TOWN for no reason at all.

Get this one: Someone's stuck in a cave... and we need to help them. Super King reminds me of ALL THE QUESTS WE DID FOR THE FIGHTER'S GUILD THAT WERE EXACTLY LIKE THIS. And I tend to agree. We both take a moment to worry about the fact that if we keep rescuing people from caves at this rate there really won't be any more people to rescue eventually and our main source of questing is just gonna outright dry up.

Turns out the sissy in this cave was trapped by, get this, ZOMBIES. You know, Zombies... the ones I frequently engage in fisticuffs with because they're slow, the very same zombies around whom you can walk at a comfortable crawl and still get away safely. The Mages Guild is raising a series of barnyard country-fine sissies, and I don't care for it.

As soon as I get my recommendation, you're totally dead.

Then, I don't know, we have to make some guy like a girl or something. But the guy doesn't like us!! What shall we do? What shall we do?

Oh, right, we have a charm spell and it raises disposition by like a hundred points. Good thing the Mages Guild doesn't seem to have any restrictions about corrupting people's minds with the power of magic. You know what I'm doing basically equates to torture and mind control, right?

Look into my eyes... ZAP!

It's all in the name of love!

I guess we got the girl to like the guy, or something, but it was a total pain in the ass. 'Next time' I told the lamer, 'Just buy her some damn flowers or something. Come on!'

Next up... let's go into some guy's dreams and totally kick some ass!

Finally, an original quest!

I'm ready!! Let's go save this g... wait a minute. 'Save this guy'?? Oh... oh no...

Little did Super King know is that 'dream' was secret code for 'cave' and this is really just another rescue mission in disguise. Crap...

We get weapons, for some unknown reason.

Then we swim in a tunnel.

I guess you're supposed to be smart enough to use the scrolls of Water Breathing they pepper in your path. Really tough puzzle, I know, but I figured it out.

Also, we had to jump on some falling blocks or some dumb crap like that.

Here's hoping the next one will be better!! It involves... SUBTERFUGE!

It's not really that much better. We have to stop some lame-o bandit from robbing merchants on an isolated road. I guess it's better than saving some dude from a cave, but not by a whole lot.

Lady, you picked a fight with the wrong dinosaur.

I totally slay that whacked out chicky with some serious SUBTERFUGE! Super King meditates that we may have a new buzzword to call our own. FISTICUFFS! hasn't really come into play in awhile, and it's always nice to try and spice it up, right?

Back to the guild...

Well, no... not unless I KILL YOU! GIVE ME MY RECOMMENDATION!!

Then, in the next one, some lady tells us to get her a book from some mountain, and I'm all like 'okay', but it turns out that the very same book is one that the dinosaur guild leader of the Mages Guild. Then again, other dinosaurs haven't really been cool to me recently, and the chick promised me a spell of unmentionable power if I retrieve the book for her.

You make an interesting point, dino-dude...

So, spell of unmentionable power or scrap of paper with a recommendation on it...

You can guess which one I picked.

It wasn't the scrap of paper.

But I save, just in case I screw myself over.

High up on the mountain I find the ruins she's looking for, and the book in question. Its owner seems to have suffered from an untimely demise...

Soooooooorta not feeling too confident about the book right now, dude.

When I give the lady the book she tells me to come back later, which I do... intending to steal the book right back from her and give it to the guildmaster. Unfortunately, she's on to my SUBTERFUGE(!!) and is already in the room and ready to pounce!

Curses! The subterfuger has become the subterfuged!!

Fortunately, Super King is able to talk it off with his gilded dino-tongue. Soon we've got the directions to get a spell that's so powerful that we can't even cast it.

Yay.

Great.

It's fortunate that I'm able to steal the book back and give it to my dino-buddy. No harm, no foul, right? Riiiiight.

Here you go, dude!

In the next guild I'm starting to get a little tired of this mishmash of events. Super King decides to take out a little anger the old fashioned way... by smashing crap up!!

Hah, suckers! Where's your books now?!

Oh shiiii...

It is here that the mages of Bravil reveal that they have the ultimate in stealth technology. They are the quintessential subterfugers, and they have caught me in the act. I have no option but to submit myselves to their will, which involves stealing some book from the guildmaster. They assure me that this little prank will get me my recommendation from the guild master.

Fair enough, I do it, and I'm in the Mages Guild, hooray!!

Oh right, this place...

I hope nobody remembers me here. I sorta... stole a whole bunch of stuff.

You're goddang right!! Lay the magical items on me, homey!

Apparently I'm not allowed to have any magical items 'laid on me' until I get the staff, which is so weak that even the weakest of weak deeds wouldn't be able to compare to it. Super King stares at the wizard, positively dumbfounded, but it doesn't work. We're forced to trudge to a forest near town to retrieve wood for our magical staff. Totally weak!

Also, 'forest' is apparently secret code for 'cave' and 'retrieve wood' is secret code for 'rescue some more people from said cave'.

Also, there's Necromancers.

Fortunately, Necromancers are total tools.

Skeleton Guardians... not that tough.

Super King tires of the Necromancer's tomfoolery and decides to attack these cretins on his own terms. He lures the fools into an untimely demise in his natural habitat. The rest, like lemmings, are quick to follow.

Water, my one weakness, how did you know!

Soon we find the grove, and the leader, but she's easily dispatched.

What, swords? Don't you know who I am? I'm the SUPER KING, bitch!

The rescuees are already dead by the time I get there, but no biggie. I get my staff wood anyway and I don't have to escort anyone home. Everybody wins!!

Okay, hurry up and make my staff so I can go play with the magical item generator.

When he finaaaaaaaaally get his stupid staff done Super King is finally free to roam the grounds. He discovers large varieties of everything. Altars that allow you to create magical items, altars that allow you to create spells that, in turn, totally allow you to cheat and auto-raise your magical skills. The sky is the limit!

But most interesting...

Dude. I'm gonna get so high toniiiiiiiight.

To bad I capped my alchemy skill like ten levels ago. That might've actually been fun.

The magical altar is a lot more interesting, but also a pain in the ass in some ways.

I really don't see why this item is too powerful to create...

Eventually we settle on a more reasonable compromise, however...

It took hours, literally hours, for me to get this name just right.

Alright Bootylicious, let's kick some ass.

Twelfth Step: Genocide, Betrayal, and the Hand of the Pimp

2006-05-31T06:18:00.000-07:00

Super King is riding high as a kite, surfeit with the magical items that denote a job well done in the Dark Brotherhood. We're really starting to like these quests, considering they actually involve fun things like dropping moose heads on nobles and tricking nobles to kill other nobles.

Basically, we really like killing nobles. The magic items that come with a perfectly executed contract are just gravy.

For our next run, the rather sultry argument guild leader ships us out to Leyawin, that bastion of racial prejudice. I guess someone doesn't really care for a leader of the guard who just got transferred there. Our job is to kill him and, and this is the really good part, take his finger and stick it in the desk of his successor. It sort of applies new meaning to the phrase "giving the finger" to someone, if you know what I mean. And I think you do!

The Leyawin guards certainly have strange sleeping practices...

After being alternatively arrested/asked to leave while caught snooping around the guard house we decide that we need to change plans. The guild leader saw fit to give to us a special arrow that would kill anyone in a single blow, provided the target wasn't wearing any armor to protect him... we need to find this guardsman at a time when he was wholly unarmored. We thought that catching him in one of the giant man-on-man orgies that goes on in the guardhouse would be perfect, but apparently he likes a bit of the rough-n'-tumble and even in bed he's arraigned in full metal gear.

A change of plans is in order.

Stealth clothes, for sneaking!

No, even Super King still cannot make the Grey Fox hood look good.

A locked door gives us hope, and Super King decides to try out some of his newly earned magical spells on it. While the Alteration spell that involves opening locks is much too weak for even a set of tumblers described as 'Average', the curious ability to actually earn skill levels without successfully completing a spell is rather appealing. I leave the 'Cast' button weighted down by a very respectable hammer and head out for a night of drinking. When I return, Super King has advanced rapidly through the ranks of Alteration. This bears further inquiry...

P-KOW! P-KOW! P-KOW! SKILL UP!

But, even in my hazy state, I am able to perceive a distant splashing. The sounds of merriment in the night hours fill Super King's fanned ears. He snarls with the weight of a thousand tons. Human beings having fun is so... irritating! Don't they know that only dinosaurs are allowed to have fun? Hey, humie, don't you have a field of corn in which to backbreakingly toil in?

I wish you did... then we could steal some more corn. Lord knows the one bad thing about the brotherhood is there isn't nearly enough corn stealing.

Hey, wait a minute! Who are you...?

It's the target!! Well, a more convenient opportunity could never be asked for. He is dispatched with the standard amount of prejudice that dinosaurs account to human victims (i.e.: all of it) and another contract is well and truly completed.

I love this job.

After depositing the finger in the desk, I return to the Brotherhood HQ to retrieve my reward and get my next contract. For some reason Super King is getting some serious glances his way. Now, from the sexy Argonian with the pink skin that's just to be expected. Last we checked, he was a pretty hot dude. When it's the creepy Orc that likes bashing skulls it's a different story... it's not until we retrieve our next mission (go talk to Lucien Lachance) and have already left that we realize our mistake. The cool breeze against Super King's legs signals the problem right away.

We forgot to put our pants back on...

Ooops... AWKWARD!

We redress and continue onwards, blushing like the dickens and glad that the faux pas was confined to super hot dinosaur chicks and a whole bunch of other people Super King could slay merely by staring deep into their souls with his slitted dino-eyes. Okay Super King, it's cool. It's totally cool man, go see what Lachance wants and then we'll commit our ethnic cleansing of the Dark Brotherhood. Nobody has to know! Nobody has to know!!

Apparently Lucien mostly wanted his undead servants to fill me with arrows. Uncool, man, uncool.

Super King is about to ask why coming to see Lucien has to involve wading through an army of the undead, but such things are better left for later. Lachance interrupts him, and it's like the two were fated to meet. Kismet, even! The words that exit his mouth are like the drippings of ambrosia from Mount Olympus.

Dude. It's totally like we're on the same wavelength.

But wait... do I have to kill the hot ones too?

Yes, yes you do...

Deciding, for once, to put advancement before hothothot sex, Super King listens along to what Lachance has to say... sort of. He's already devising a million different ways to kill the Orc, 90% of which involve sticking his head in a trashcan and booting him down a hill. He's not really sure where he's going to go from there, but I defy you to think of a more HILARIOUS way to kill someone.

Also, poisoned Lemmings. Fun for the whole family!

We head back to the guild. Lucien suggested we do a whole bunch of stuff like put poisoned apples out for people to eat, but it seems that our hand-eye co-ordination isn't exactly all it's cracked up to be, and most of the apples just end up rolling off the plate and onto the floor. And Super King would feel bad if he made someone eat a dirty apple, poisoned or not. It's not until much later, after the deed is done, that we realize we could've just stuck them in a closet and been done with it. Now we have a score of poison apples and nobody to kill with them!!

Super King mulls over sticking them in various Fighter's Guilds around the county... but he gets the feeling that Oreyn would probably yell at him if he did. Man, Oreyn is such a pain in the ass.

Okay, it's back to the tried and true method.

I would feel bad about this, but, y'know... I don't.

Hey guy! How's tricks?

Killing the Orc is especially sweet. Sometime since Super King last left the guild he's tricked himself out with a rather fetching set of Daedric armor. Well we just HAVE to have that.

It's not really as fashion-conscious as the ebony set, but it'll do...

Back at Lachance we're congratulated and given a shiny new, unkillable horse! That... I was never able to find. I even killed my old horse, the one that stupid monk gave me, but to no avail. Shadowmere is out there somewhere, Super King knows it, but damn if he's ever been able to find her. That's cool, who really wants to ride a cursed undead horse from beyond space anyway?

All in a day's work, homey.

We get too ahead of ourselves, though, in asking Lachance for contracts. He informs us that we won't be speaking for a long time, instead Super King will receive his orders from a serious of dead drops, notes left in things like trees and barrels. I'm not really clear on how this is a particularly safe endeavor. If there's even a single person in the world like me, there's someone out there that STILL isn't bored of checking every single barrel for tomatoes and wheels of cheese. Someone's bound to stumble on some of these notes...

Lachance won't hear of it, though, and sends me off to do my thing. I get to kill a whole family! Now that's hot stuff.

Wow... this is totally gonna be awkward when I come back later...

Wake up buddy, I got your present!

Matthais Draconis sets the land-speed record for fasted armor change!

Okay. So we do this quest. Then what follows is a series of excessively boring quests that act like the REST of the quests in Oblivion. We're told to go kill something, then receive a pittance of gold for my efforts. No magical items, no more undead horses, and it feels like a YEAR since we last dropped a moose head on a noble. Uncool, man, what happened?

So it takes us about three hours to get through that waste of time...

Lucien approaches us after about the fifth one and tells me exactly what happened. The dead drops have been comprimised, and We've been killing the high ranking members of the Dark Brotherhood. 'Well nuts to them!' says Super King, 'they went out like total wussies anyway!'

Lucien doesn't want to hear it, I guess it's something sissy about his "life being on the line" or some bullcrap. Super King is entreatied to go track down the inside mole, who apparently was not among those slain in the Cheydinhal guild. Our dinosaur about has an embolism when he hears this. You made me kill that hot dino-chicky for NOTHING?!

Whatever, there will be more girls. With half the guild dead this seems like ample opportunity for advancement. Our investigation leads us to a basement apartment in a lighthouse near Anvil. It's stuffed to the brim with rotting corpses, dogs and humans. 'God!' bemoans Super King 'Humans never know how to clean up when they're expecting guests!'

In the filth and decay lies a solitary book. Its contents are... interesting, to say the least.

Oh... well... huh. Wasn't expecting that one.

We hurry to Lucien's hiding spot to inform him of the good news, but it seems we dallied just a little too long...

You bastards!! You killed Lucien!! WHY?!

I... I'm sorry, what was that?

The appraisal of his new position in middle management elicits only one response from Super King 'Lucien? Lucien WHO?'

Ah, yeah... sorry about that one, bro...

I know what SOMEONE's getting at the office Christmas party!

So, I guess somewhere in the scuffle back during the dead drops we killed the Number #1 leader in the Dark Brotherhood. That's unfortunate, because according to my calculations killing the Number #1 leader should make US the Number #1 leader. Apparently that chick who granted us our title disagrees, I blame affirmative action. You shouldn't be allowed to promote a girl just because she's a girl! There was a candidate who was TOTALLY more suited for the position of 'guy who tells people who to kill'!

ME!

Super King is more than a little incensed, but he decides to follow the crew to their little pow-wow at the state anyway. He was just gonna grab a couple beers with Lucien tonight anyway, and, for obvious reasons, those plans have sort of fallen through.

You guys go ahead and do your crazy rain dance, I'mma just wait over here.

Their ritual is not for naught (say that ten times fast!). A few choice words of prayer and the statue opens, leading down to an ancient crypt...

Ghost chick, natch.

Before Super King even has the chance to react a commotion breaks out behind him. One of those fruits in the long robes thinks he's gonna take out the ghost girl.

Listen, bro, I don't know if you know this but... it's sort of hard to kill a spirit from beyond the grave...

He slays a few of his Brotherhood companions with ease, but the rest of the fight involves him hacking against the ghost chick with his pathetic dagger until Super King gets bored and clobbers him over the head with his sword. Goodnight, lamer! That's for writing that creepy journal!!

Lady, there are about twenty things I take exception to in that sentence.

Apparently the whole thing was like some sort of cosmic job application and the ghost chick (who is, apparently, the Night Mother) confers upon Super King the title of 'Listener', which is like being a Guild Master but instead of hiring recruits you get to totally kill people for no reason. She knew from the start that Super King had the world's strongest "Pimp Hand" and that no woman could ever seek to rise above him in status. Why, that would be like the water rising above the air!

The girl first-in-command is disappointed at her loss of status, but Super King suggests she go back into the kitchen and start making bread (or alternatively, babies) and she seems to take to the suggestion with a fair bit of aplomb.

You dang right lady. The pimp hand is strong with this one.

Come to think of it... she's got a cute butt.

Eleventh Step: Discourtesy, Racial Equality (at last!), and Sweet, Sweet Revenge

2006-05-21T17:44:00.000-07:00

Thinking that nobody would dare wake the guildmaster in his own 'hood, Super King sleeps soundly... until!

Well. That's a very odd thing to say...

It's an emissary of the Dark Brotherhood! Guess he saw when we totally trashed all those guards in the pursuit of the Elder Scroll for Senor Gray Fox. Yeah, that was TOTALLY WORTH IT.

I don't find your candor all that appealing, sir.

Stalky McStalker doesn't seem to want to answer -how- people saw me and Super King laying waste to all those mean ole guards, he's too busy wrapped up in his own little speech. Curses! People in black robes never give you a chance to get a word in edgewise!

I'm not really clear where you're trying to go with this analogy...

I guess Mr. Dark Robes tends to get wrapped up in his speeches. I keep raising a finger to tell him we've got unsuspected visitors, but he was too busy talking about sucking goat blood out of some chicky's teat. Not really my style, but hey, a job's a job.

Sooooooooo... whatcha guys talkin' about?

Just like the elf chick from the Thieves Guild in the last episode, Lucien shows us that the NPCs in this game show a certain lack of discretion when entering conversations about sensitive topics. Super King is sure to cold-cock the Fighter's Guild Porter in the back of the head, to ensure that he doesn't talk about our little chat to the other members. I'm pretty sure I won't get in trouble for this because I'm the guild member, and also because he's not a named character. Those lackwits and their repetitive dialogue are practically BEGGING to be smashed into bits.

On the beaten trail towards the Inn of Ill Omen where our first murder target awaits, Super King and I decide that this mission calls for a little something I like to call STEALTH ACTION!

On second though... this kind of emphasizes my overbite...

Sneak sneak sneak.

The innkeeper is only too happy to tell us where Rufio is, living in the basement all by himself. Though the concept of avoiding innocent bystanders doesn't usually factor into Super King's M.O., there's really no point damaging our sword on pointless badguys.

Hey guy! What's happenin'?

Rufio and SK have a nice chat about the plusses and minuses of living in a dungeon before the dinosaur remembers what his mission was. Oh right! We're supposed to ruthlessly slaughter you! Here, hold still.

Well, that was fun.

Who would've thought killing old men was so easy. Do we sense a new career in this?

Not really. His supply of quill pens and linen shirts is pretty lackluster, and we all know that's the only thing worth stealing these days.

Anyway, as instructed, we go back to sleep and await further orders... IN THE BED NEXT TO THE MAN WE MURDERED!

Super King thinks the risk to his safety, sleeping next to a freshly murdered corpse and all, is worth it. Lucien'll will totally respect his ironic stylings!

Dude. I'm sleeping in Rufio's bed! You didn't even notice...

Who says romance is dead?

Lucien tells Super King that he's now part of a new family. A TOTALLY AWESOME family that goes around killing people for no reason at all. -This- is my kind of guild!

...I don't have to steal any quill pens, do I? 'cause I'm sort of not down with that anymore.

Apparently the guild has been right under our nose in Cheydinhal this whole time and we never knew. I blame that Fighter's Guild Orc is his foppish stylings!

Into the basement of the abandoned house we go!!

On second thought...

Entering the door is simpler than it looks, though Super King's underdeveloped brain fears the ancient tribal blood rituals that may have created this door.

Super King's also deathly afraid of cameras, because they might steal his soul. Don't tell him I told you that, he's a little shy about it.

A dino-guildmaster, I like this family more and more all the time!

A little creepy, sure. But still feeling it.

Maybe a little too excited for my first time here, dude, but still... another Argonian! Nice to meet you!

Things aren't all roses, though.

Oh great. MORE ORCS. JUST WHAT I WANTED.

Around the bend it gets even better...

Guy, if I didn't hate pirates so much I'd punch your pursed lips right through the back of your bizarrely deformed head.

We gotta go aaaaaaaaall the way back to the Imperial City to gank this grog-swiller, but it's okay. Vincente, the friendly vampire with the silken tongue (and silken undies, presumably) suggests that we get awesome bonuses if we do the job in silly ways. For example, we get to climb into a crate in this one and sneak onboard. Nice!

...you gonna be using that crate, bro?

Turns out the Redguard wasn't using the crate. Between that and the compliment to his pants, Super King was starting to feel pretty good about himself. It was a simple matter to sneak into the captain's cabin.

Awww, poor baby tuckered himself out. Shivered too many timbers didja?

Super King forgets a few of the basic tenants of stealth in the process, though, and manages to make quite the dino-ruckus while executing his target with extreme prejudice. This brings the ire of the rest of the pirates.

Unfortunately for them, they're not smart enough to avoid announcing when they're coming through the door. Their mistake!

I wish ALL my enemies announced when they were coming in a loud voice!
...oh wait... they already do...

The jobs continue like that in totally awesome ways. For example, the next job requires us to drop a moose head on some loser noble in that Nord town where all the loser Nords live. 'make it look like an accident', in the parlance of our times. Super King cracks that sucker in the head and leaves his butler stumbling around wondering what happened. Apparently moose heads don't fall out of the sky every day!

Boss... boss... you okay?

I'm really starting to like this game again!

Vincente is pretty pleased with Super King's progress... I'm not really pleased with his double talk, though.

Seriously dude, what is that... like a triple negative?

The next mission is especially exciting. Remember that Dark Elf from the beginning of the game that made fun of us and called us names?

We totally get to gank him.

YES!

Vincente, the only key you're holding right now is the ONE TO MY HEART!

You would not believe how excited Super King is right now. YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE ME EVEN IF I TOLD YOU!!

Alright chums, thumbs up, let's do this.

Oh, right, rodentia. Yay...

The guards don't seem happy with their post, guarding what is apparently the only criminal in all of Imperial City. I guess Citizens of Cyrodiil live in an advanced society where nobody but non-humans commit crimes.

The irony!

Goddang racists. Gonna be fun slaughtering all of 'em.

Except I can't... I don't get my sweet mission bonus if I let the guards know I'm here. Time for some serious Metal Gear Solid action, thanks to the... GREY FOX HOOD!

Shine purple as hard as you want, bro. It ain't gonna save you.

As soon as the guard leaves Super King SPRINGS INTO ACTION!

Uh, yeah, about that. Remember when you called me a bug eating man-molester...?

Dreth doesn't get another word out. And then it's back to the guild for another quest! We're contracted to 'fake' kill some honky named Mortierre, the guy apparently got himself in trouble with the local debtors and now he needs us murder-types to clean up his mess for him.

Super King informs Vincente that he's not really comfortable with the idea of NOT killing someone, but we're not really high enough in the pecking order to pick and choose our missions... so off to Mortierre we go.

The concept of not killing is a crime against the very fiber of my being.

After disposing of that little wussy Mortierre, we're given a promotion. No longer are we forced to deal with the limp-wristed Vincente. It's all Argonians from now on! And Ocheeva, the sultry guildmistress, does not disappoint. She sends us right out into the fray, on a mission ripped directly from an Agatha Christie novel. We have to kill five party guests in a locked house while sowing the seeds of distrust among them. They think they're looking for buried treasure, but all they're gonna find is the swift taste of Super King's mighty saber!

Seriously lady. I have been waiting my whole life to meet you.

This calls for some special gear. We need to put on our Sunday best!

I DEFY you to tell me this doesn't look good.

The butler, who's in on the whole thing, meets me outside with some A+ information.

I don't know who you are, homey, but you and my mother got NOTHIN' in common.

Inside we've got a fine selection of humans to explode and maim at will. No Argonians, thankfully, we would've felt bad killing our own people. Nords, though, they smell so bad it's practically a death sentence already! I'm doing them a favor!

Totally unrelated note, but... do you have this maid's number?

A few sword swings in private places later and most of the party is demolished beyond recognition. I was hoping this would lead to panic, and possibly the breaking of all windows in a futile attempt to escape, but we're not so lucky. Mostly they just hang around being bored.

Dude! Like three of your friends are dead!
...if you were to die suddenly, and I'm TOTALLY not saying you were... could I have your mead?

When it's just the smarmy young noble and the old hag left I decide to have a little fun toying with their emotions... but the noble beats me to the punch. I'm not sure what convinced him that the scary dinosaur was his best friend, or that the old hag was capable of murdering a slew of able bodied young men, but whatever.

Yeah, let's get her dude!

Super King watches the struggle with some amusement. A young fop versus an old lady, both with no real appreciable combat experience, makes for a pretty enjoyable floor show. But all good things must come to an end, and our dinosaur buddy cleans up the last straw, young Primo, and calls it a day.

You know, it's true what they say. There really isn't anything like a job well done.

Tenth Step: Poor Thievery, AWESOME RACIST ACTION, and The Grey Fox Wastes Everyone's Time

2006-05-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

When last we left our intrepid dino, he was knee-deep in Elder Gods from beyond the grave. Having had his fill of statues for the moment, Super King returns to town to see if the Thieves Guild is still surviving without his continual input of cheese wheels and silver forks.

Oh, well... this is a little awkward.

Foils and double foils!! The goon squad is on the case of the poor Christophe, already suffering from genetic abnormalities and now he's forced to endure their torturous jeering. Well, Super King won't stand for this. He might be a dirty humie, but he's still worthwhile!

At least... until we become guild master here too and from there he can just straight take a hike, whatever.

A former competitor for the Thieves Guild approaches me not long after, telling me the sorry tale of betrayal. Damn you, an inside man!

You know, woman, I outrank you... you're a girl.

Super King is more curious about how she's moved up in rank so fast, considering she joined the guild AFTER him. He ponders this... perhaps she knows where all the REALLY good silverware and ink wells are. Unfortunately, it will have to wait until a later date. We have eyes on us!

Once again. Awkward.

Apparently Methredel has very poor depth perception, and it takes Super King quite the act of finegaling before he's able to convince the guard that they were indeed NOT talking about the bust he stole, nor were they talking about the poor mutant, Armand Christophe. Instead, the guard goes away convinced that dinosaurs are amongst the worlds greatest culinary masters, and that nice green lizard was simply telling his Elfen friend with the cute butt his recipe for Simmerin' Scallops and Scallions.

The guard has little time to mull over the combination of seafood and onions, as the next thing that enters his mind is Super King's broadsword.

Super King, forgetting his sworn oath to the guild not to draw blood while on a mission, incurs another thousand dollar fine. Oh well.

When the guard has been summarily dumped into the water Super King is already hot on the trail of the traitorous guild member, and through a combination of subterfuge and KARATE SKILLS he manages to sneak the pilfered bust into her cupboard, then strolls outside to put on his most innocent act to the captain of the guard, who just so happens to be patrolling around right outside.

Go get 'im, tiger!

Once again, awkward. I really should go.

After Heironymous straight jacks the traitor, who just so happened to be his spy so don't even ask me how that makes sense, Super King is free to go about his business and Armand Christophe can come out of hiding, play in the sun, and eat pop-tarts. Whatever it is retarded kids do, you know? Meanwhile, we've got another job to do! Seems a nice cat-lady in Leyawin has lost her ring and now she wants it back.

Some complications arise...

Yo lady. I KNOW you did not just step to my Argonian brother from another mother.

The conversation does not improve with time.

Oh HELL no! What did you just say?

Okay. So the thief that stole her ring, he's in jail and he wasn't a member of the guild so nobody wants to help him. Well I'M gonna help him, because Argonians can't be letting their peoples down, not even when there's guild advancement on the line!

Well, actually, Super King would totally do that. He's just not gonna because he's not particularly worried about losing his guild advancement. Worse comes to worse he kills the cat-lady, denies ever meeting her, and gets a pretty sweet fur coat out of the deal.

SCREW THAT! We'll just do it that way!!

Okay, many reloads later, we realize we can indeed NOT do it that way. Back to the normal game...

Dude. Why is everyone in this town a dick?

The castle appears to be relatively unguarded, though, and the sole jailer is easily bribed with something in the range of ten gold pieces. Considering Super King and I now have something like twenty grand in our possession (despite all the murder fines), we can do nothing but pity the poor guard whose world is so small that ten bucks seems like a wealth of gold. Sucker!

According to the dinosaur-buddy in the cell, the Lady of the castle took that ring back and now we have to take it back from her. The Argonian thanks Super King with the traditional 'fist pound/backwards head nod' combination, a word doesn't need to be spoken among brothers.

Quickly, to the castle!!

Ominous.

Nice digs, for a sucker-fool racist Queen.

Look, I'm the Queen! I hate Argonians! I am required by law to have a stick shoved into my butt at all times!

Okay, okay. Enough fun.

Unable to find anything in the way of secret passages, we turn to the local beggar population. Finding an Arognian in a rather sorry state of affairs, Super King clicks his mouse button over the 'donate 1 gold' button until his fingers get tired, then presses the man for information, to which he has the nerve to ask for more cash! Well, okay... but you better hook me up with some serious info.

Oh, great. Good day to be a dinosaur.

We're told to ask the head handmaiden of the castle for more info, but both me and Super King are starting to have second thoughts about this job.

EVEN BETTER! I TOTALLY WANNA GO IN THERE NOW!

There's secret passages and junk, great. Totally what I want to do. Secret passages where they torture unsuspecting dinosaurs. GOOD DEAL!

But hey, a job's a job.

Now, if I was a secret passage... where would I be?

Oh. Well that wasn't so hard.

Apparently human castle engineers have a tenuous grasp of the concept behind the word 'secret'.

The passage winds on and on, picking up a trail of blood as we go. Somewhere in the middle there's a fun little sight.

Yay. So feeling better about being in here right now.

Super King is starting to feel less and less good about this job, and for a brief moment he runs through the kind of trouble he'll get in if he just outright slices up the lady of the castle and makes a run for it while simultaneously spewing white hot poopy in his britches.

We got the ring, and the Argonian homey made it, so don't feel bad.

However, the britches have seen better days.

Back in the Imperial City, things are as boring as ever...

Actually, it's really not as hard as you'd think. That "Nocturnal" lady seems to have a couple screws loose.
Also, the chick's a totally immobile statue. That might help.

Word on the streets is we're stealing a staff from some mage dude. Nobody thinks to inform me as to WHY we're doing this, but I guess that's why Super King's just a Thieves Guild member and not a SUPER AWESOME BADASS LEADER GUY (yet). They just haven't given him time to blossom.

Mages Guild. Eerie.

We got the staff and trucked through a boring mission. Then we trucked through another boring mission, and then ANOTHER, and then eventually the Grey Fox was all like 'Yo dude, wanna steal an Elder Scroll?' and I was like 'No thanks dude, I already got the game! It's only $50, you should pick it up!' and he was like 'No dood, the Elder Scrolls are what the games were named after!' and I was all like 'What?' because I was so busy stealing all his silverware when he wasn't looking.

I don't think he minded, but he did make me go on ANOTHER boring mission. With ghosts.

Seriously, guy, seriously. I don't do ghosts.

Gee, I wonder if these statues are gonna come alive.

They did.

Really, really. No more ghosts.

Zombies are okay, though!

This is where the really interesting stuff starts. Eventually I get bored of hacking into every single zombie the entire planet of Cyrodiil has to offer and just ran through the whole catacombs. When we reached the surface we were in for quite a shock. Apparently the guards don't take too kindly to being woken up by sneaky dinosaurs in shiny armors.

No, no. Not kindly. Not kindly at all.

The game has, at this point, decided that not being in sneak mode upon enterting the castle alerts all the guards to my position. Having forty castle guards and a bunch of blind kung-fu monks on your ass is not as fun as it sounds, even if they are all hot chicks.

PS: They're not all hot chicks.

Always time for a sit-down.

Blind monks are such suckers. Hey, look, I'm right behind you!
Oh... was that rude?

Apparently the plan is to sit down and pretend I'm some Noble chick and the blind monks will hook me up with the Elder Scroll, whatever that is. While the monks aren't particularly observant, the guards are clanking around outside the door and raising hell, they won't give the scroll up all the same.

Clearly there's only one solution.

Genocide.

Oops. I may've jumped into the genocide thing a bit hastily.

Pay careful attention to the guards attacking each other in the background.
Yeah, I don't get it either.

Eventually, the dirty deed was done. Super King didn't exactly feel bad about it, but killing off the entire squadron of palace guards does take a bit out of one's constitution.

Hey buddy, which way to the Elder Scroll department?
...buddy?

The monks are still totally not into it! In fact, now they're outright attacking me! Totally uncool!!

Kung-fu monks still lack one crucial ability: THE ABILITY TO SEE ME.

Super King spends a few precious moments whistling in one room and running into another, just to get the monk's goat. When he gets bored of that, and it becomes clear that those jerk-off monks are gonna be permanently on alert and are clearly never gonna give up the good stuff he turns to another one of his myriad of talents:

Cheating.

Thank you console commands!

Returning to Gray Fox, I find that my mission is far from over. Great.

It's a beautiful thing, how 'Thieves Guild Member' essentially translates into 'Gopher for some jerk in a crappy hood'.

But I'll do it, just because I'm tired of dealing with your flim-flammery. I step outside and poor Super King gets yet another rude awakening call, much in the same manner as last episode back: an arrow in the back of the head.

Uncool, man! Uncool!

It's a sad state of affairs for the guards that they forgot I had KICKASS KUNGFU KARATE POWERS. My next moves involve a series of vaults and twirls that would leave any many jealous.

Leap! Leap to your freedom Super King!

FINALLY we get back to the stupid Anvil town, and tell the stupid countess the stupid message from stupid Grey Fox and it turns out he was WAITING OUTSIDE ANYWAY. Great. Jerk.

So thanks, that was a total was of time, huh?

I guess the Cowl of the Grey Fox does some magic thing that obscures your identity, and we needed the scroll to bear the spell and blah blah blah blah I'm the guild leader now and Super King gets the cowl and becoming Guild Leader is basically meaningless and gives me NOTHING except a guild hall in which thieves gather, theoretically that means the various guild resellers are more available in a single location, but it really doesn't.

End result: I get screwed, again. Being a guild leader totally sucks. I head on over to the local guild in Anvil to take a nap.

Ninth Step: Don't Do Drugs, Stealing from the Stealers, and A Very Special Meeting with Statue Lady

2006-05-08T15:16:00.000-07:00

Things finally get exciting.

High-five, Oreyn! Let's do it!

I knew my formative years of playing Metal Gear Solid wouldn't go to waste! Let's do this thing!

I arrive back in the town of Leyawin, home of unbridled racism and other scary stuff. But Super King has fear? A thousand times no! We're here on a mission.

A more wretched hive of scum and villainy... blah blah blah. Let's bust some heads!

Super King puts on his best game face and manages to infiltrate the establishment with barely a second glance. He chides his dinosaur brethren for being so trusting. Oh how it pains his soul to deceive them like this, but Super King is unstoppable! It's okay to beat up on your own race if they're being total tools and denying you monies.

Oh brother, if only you knew.

The screening process to enter the Blackwoods Company is very... lackluster. Almost before Super King can reveal his terrifying surname he's suited up and told to wait in the basement for further instructions. There's a bunch of other recruits who must've went through the same "rigorous" trial. Why, if I was the leader of a dastardly mercenary company and, as far as I know, I'm not... nobody would get through the door without passing the fifteen despondent chambers of irresponsible torment.

Super King takes a moment to reflect on this, and comes away glad that the guild master doesn't apply himself to the same high dino-standard.

Lay it on me, homey!

Ugh, dizzy...

We can't seem to figure out why going on missions requires getting high off tree sap, but Super King never was the type to argue with free narcotics! Soon we're off and away to the good settlement of Water's Edge, where a dangerous crew of goblins is engaging in brutal warfare with the townspeople.

How terrible it must be! By the time we show up there isn't a soul to be seen save for the wretched frames of the goblin horde.

Death to you, stinky goblin!

Curiously, the goblins do nothing in the way of fighting back. This is quite different from their normal methods of gibbering like an idiot and shooting poorly crafted arrows. Super King trundles back through the mire to report to Oreyn, curious as to why his mohawked leader wouldn't just wait in one of the many caves peppering the countryside near Leyawin. Walking halfway across the known world is very inconvenient, Oreyn.

Oh wait, that's right. You're a LAZY JERK.

And let me guess... you want ME to go find out what happened?

Turns out that, yes, he DID want me to go find out what happened and, guess what, that Hist Sap made me all loco and poor Super King killed a bunch of humans he thought were goblins.

No big loss. Aren't there like six billion humans on the planet anyway? Super King doesn't particularly regret the deaths of six or seven of the stinkier varieties. If they're not intelligent enough to arm themselves, no big loss.

However, this does give me and Oreyn an excuse to go and totally 'bust up some shit'.

Oreyn, predictably, says he'll take a raincheck on the whole affair. That's cool. I don't need no dark elves mucking up my style.

Hey guys, 'member me?

The battle is joined with ferocity! Super King engages the majority of the company, a slew of his lizard brethren, in the time honored tradition of FISTICUFFS!!(tm), liberating a shiny green sword from one of them in the process and using it to lay waste to the remainder of the treacherous sea beings. When all's said and done, nothing remains but the slowly decomposing corpses of a good third of Argonian's native population.

How could such a SWEET RACK have turned to the dark side?

In the basement we find the object of our quest...

Man... that stuff'll mess you up...

Though it pains the terrifying lizard(!!) to do so, Super King goes about destroying the sinister machinery. His eyes brim with tears as he thinks of all the money he's throwing down the drain in the process.

Do you know how much peach cobbler a supply of drugs like this could buy? DO YOU?!!?

Thoughts of profiteering are pushed the side as he returns to Oreyn, confident in a job well done. Secretly, I am grateful that there was a Fighter's Guild quest that didn't involve the liberation of stupid books from stupid caves.

Nobody cares about your pappy, boy. Gimme the goods.

Turns out the 'goods' are a tight little number made from what I imagine is the skull of a bear.

Either that, or it's Oreyn Bearclaw's skull and he was one MESSED UP Dark Elf.

Super King, for once, is NOT complaining.

Seriously. Awesome.

Now my only wish is that there were children in this game that I could follow around and SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF.

We consider this briefly before turning a missive that some wayward traveler must've stuck in our pants when we weren't looking.

What do you know...

Though I find the concept of 'greater rewards' largely spurious, considering the fact that I've rarely gotten more than a pittance of gold from any quest, the idea of spending less time in prison is one I find uniquely appealing. If the humans are going to keep arresting Super King for silly and inconsequential things like 'stealing their entire shop's inventory' or 'accidentally swinging a sword at them' then it'd probably be wise of us to find a way to around lengthy jail time.

It's a dark and gloomy night when we meet our mysterious benefactor in the Imperial City, garden of Dareloth.

So, uh... you guys here for the... auto show... too?

We play it cool. Just in case it's "the man" trying to trick us. It's been known to happen before and Super King is wary! Once bitten, twice shy.

But as it turns out, it's just a cute little guy with an apparent case of Down Syndrome.

Promise me that if I join the guild I won't get whatever the hell disease it is that spawned that sorry mug of yours.

The majority of the Thieves Guild is actually MORE boring than the Fighter's Guild, if you can believe that. Instead of muddling through it, let's just look at the good parts:

1) The Imperial City is awesome for one of our favorite pastimes: stealing food.

Where have you been all my life?

2) The Imperial City is also awesome for ANOTHER one of our favorite pastimes:

SITTING.

Taking a load off while breaking and entering is one of life's most sublime pleasures.

3) The Imperial City doesn't seem to be good for stealing anything BUT food.

Are you serious? I thought you jerk-holes were rich! I've pulled better items out of a mud crab's ass!

4) Fences scattered around Cyrodiil will actually BUY your treasure trove of pilfered quill pens and sackcloth shirts.

Fences scattered around Cyrodiil also have regular sleeping schedules, and will buy back the very items you STOLE FROM THEM.

Eventually Super King and I have stolen about three or four thousand dollars worth of bread and inkwells. We only needed 50 dollars worth of stuff to start the special Thieves Guild missions, but we believe if a job's worth doing it's worth doing right. The Imperial City wakes up the next morning to discover that every feather and piece of parchment in a ten mile radius has been stolen out from under their noses. Dinosaurs are the best thieves ever!

Now back to Dareloth's hood.

Sssh. We're being stealth.

Then we get sent on a bunch of BS missions to steal crap that involves very little actual stealing of anything valuable.

Seriously man. A stone head? If you don't start me pilfering gold studded diamond plates soon I'm gonna flip out. For real.

Also, we're not allowed to kill any filthy humans. Otherwise we get charged a thousand dollars.

It would be SO easy...

Super King soon finds out, after repeated efforts, that killing the Thieves Guild representative instead of paying him off ALSO does not work.

Totally sucks, man.

So we say nuts to the Guild for now and go off on our own to see what we shall see.

Not exactly a sight for sore eyes.

We don't want to believe the creepy orc lady, but she suggests that the 'magical statue' her and her band of psycho Branch Davidian-wannabes are huddled around has super powers. Super King is reticent to believe them, but the fact that the statue TALKS INTO HIS MIND is enough to convince him otherwise. Seems that mind-talking is about the -only- power the statue has, as it lost its eye and hasn't been able to get it back. We're quite convinced that this is because it's a sissy statue, but we don't say anything because we're not sure if it's a vengeful god in disguise and Super King has a severe allergic reaction to divine lightning.

Eventually we manage to track down the two scallywags who stole the eye. Guess what they happened to be?

ARGONIANS! The people who made this game are so racist!! Dang!

You guys are really giving our people a bad name, you know.

It's like a dinosaur can't catch a break around here, for serious. Super King wonders if the problem isn't humans, but that he's the only cool creature on the planet and everyone else are just assholes (who smell). It's very possible, but dinosaur girls are still cute so he'll let them off the hook.

Everyone else has to go.

We find the cave that the extraordinarily bright thieves were smart enough to talk about right in front of Super King (he was busy rummaging through their closets) and, sure enough, buried in the mire is the object of his quest. A rather eerily glowing ball that I about crapped myself upon seeing. Thinking it was a monster, I had just had a bad experience with a few Will-O-The-Wisps, I shot about forty arrows at it before being able to convince myself that it was safe.

Super King still thinks it was a trap.

super King also doesn't know why someone would sleep in a cave, but maybe that's just him.

All the same, we quickly hike back to the statue. As time goes on, our dinosaur starts to get a little nervous about the whole 'lightning bolt from the sky' thing. He forgot to take his Allegra today and a seared ass really isn't on the top of his list of things to do.

You're welcome, statue lady! Please don't suffer divine retribution upon me!

For our troubles we're granted what is essentially an unbreakable lockpick. What's more the thing adds like 40 points to your lockpicking skill, thus making it basically pointless to have a lockpicking skill in the first place. Now all I have to do is hit 'auto-attempt' until the thing opens.

Normally I'd complain, but picking locks is such a pain in the ass.

Eighth Step: Ogres, Ogres, Ogres!

2006-05-05T14:18:00.000-07:00

I go back to the Fighter's Guild, I want a job. Guess what I get?

I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with CRAP.

Surprise surprise.

This time we have to go to another nondescript cave to complete another nondescript journey with another nondescript NPC who wants us to recover another nondescript item of GRAVE IMPORTANCE(!!)

Alright lady, let's get this over with. Because I'll give you two minutes before I shove my craw in your maw.

Needless to say, the adventure quickly went to a brisk pace. Let's get this over with. I'm bored already.

Oh snap, dinosaurs!

Oh snap, glowing, dinosaurs!

This triumphant reunion is cut short, however, when they totally start WAILING on me! Hey!! I thought we were brothers or something! What's up with this green-on-green crime?

Super King is not the type of dinosaur that takes this thing lying down. If you bring the green, things are bound to get mean! In the ruckus another terrifying sight is seen, obviously the ring master of this little troupe, mind controlling these poor unevolved lizards into attacking their kin, a Svengali if you will. Well, Super King Awesome does not abide by this source of tomfoolery!

Remember kids, mind controlling innocent dinosaurs is no joke!

This Dark Elf wears strange armor I can't seem to remove. This bears further inspection... certainly this is no ordinary cave!

Excelsior, onward into the abyss!

So the Elfy lady decides she's going to take point. This finds no complaint for me, for multiple reasons.

Take whatever meaning from this image that you desire.

Deeper and deeper into the cave we travel, searching for the lost treasures of the ancient mind-hypnosis dark elf tribe. When we find an altar of some interest and the prissy Elf Lady just can't be BOTHERED to explore any further. Fine, end of the line. I'm not gonna cut you in on your share of the loot!!

Like I was anyway. Dinosaurs are known for their many virtues, but generosity is not one of them.

Little known fact: Fighting creepy fire bitches is ALSO not a dinosaur virtue!

GOODLUCKWITHTHECAVELADYI'LLSEEYOULATER!!!

Back in town we're told a job well done, and more money under our belt. The only person that could argue with our success is a rotting corpse sitting next to the lava bitch at the bottom of a cave. I think our secret's safe, Super King, and nobody's gonna be the wiser about Elante of Alinor's little... disappearing act.

In the next mission we're told, and wait for this because it's a good one, that we have to KILL SOME MORE TROLLS.

Coincidentally, Varinus, the panty waist in the earlier mission, was sent out on this expedition and came back. I'm confident in his survival rate, because he's an NPC and therefore infinitely resurrectable whenever it's convenient to the plot.

The four score of dead bodies I find piled up in the troll cave suggests to me that maybe, just maybe, the rules about NPCs bringing themselves back to life has been temporarily suspended. I haven't found Varinus yet, but it does net me a pretty chic set of Blackwoods Company steel armor.

Perfect for my future covert ops with Oreyn!

The rest of the mission is clouded in silence. Due to the chance of younger readers, I've opted not to include the scenes of Varinus's grisly funeral pyre. Let's just say that it wasn't pretty, and Super King could've imagined an alternate reality in which he was a lily livered human and vomited at the sight of it.

He didn't throw up, of course, because dinosaurs EAT CORPSES and, therefore, aren't really bothered by them. Even when they're the corpses of sissy momma's boys.

Returning to the guild, Super King is confronted with some harsh news.

Oh, great...

In a totally logical step, the Guildmistress demotes me because I'm the one that found her son. That's like blaming President Abe Lincoln for telling you that your son died in the Civil War. Except that I'm like fifty times cooler than Abe Lincoln, if Abe Lincoln was a dinosaur. Since he is not, I can approximate Super King's coolness to a factor of roughly 10000x.

In short: don't shoot the messenger.

The next mission sends me up to the icy north, no doubt punishment for my "transgression". Super King grumbles in his boots, offput by the cold. Dinosaurs prefer sun-heated rocks and lounging to sloughing your way through the filthy white crystals that human beings call 'snow'. On this mission of mercy, where we have to kill a whole bunch of OGRES for some reason (at least it's not more trolls), Super King gets a little lost and sees something coming towards him in the haze.

Mr. Pooh? Is that you?

Oh good Christ!! You're not Pooh Bear!!

We quickly learn how easy it is to kill bears, and also how a bear pelt is only worth 30 dollars but for some reason weighs like a hundred thousand pounds.

Sadly, we never found out what happened to Rabbit, or Tigger.

Further on we emerge from the snow and spot a tower in the distance. Perhaps this is the object of our quest...?

The idea of a Fighter's Guild mission that doesn't include trolls is quickly becoming abhorrent to me.

No, just more smelly trolls. I decide that, since these guys aren't really part of my job, it'd be best for Super King and myself to employ our kickass awesome powers of dino-stealth and avoid these guys entirely.

Uh, soooo... that didn't work.

I run like the dickens, Super King checking the map while in full stride. We're close to the location and figure that with enough distance the trolls will give up pursuit and pick on something easier, like a school of geese, or a smelly man-ape.

Such is not the case, but I am partially to blame. I stopped in my full-on run to examine a curious looking rock that provided me with a magical set of time-bound pointy dagger and matching pointy gauntlets. And what's that in the distance?

Salvation! The generic ruin that is the object of my long journey!

Upon entering I turn towards the door and ready my conjured blade. Any trolls that pass will taste the wrath of my enchanted weapon!

So, uh... you guys coming?

I guess I'm safe. Let's find these ogres, whatever they are, mop them up, and collect the pitiful cash from the Fighter's Guild like we always to, chipper in the explanation that the satisfaction of a job well done is the REAL reward.

Oh, right. I forgot that ogres were HARD AS BALLS.

Here I learn that these are the legendary 'Cursed Gauntlets of Galgamesh', that have the power to CRASH YOUR GAME every time they get unequipped. After about three hours of trial and error I realize I can get rid of the summoned dagger by unequipping it, but the gauntlets are here to stay. Eventually, with more effort and utilization of my masterful problem solving skills, I get a makeshift solution. Figuring the game is crashing when it tries to re-equip my REAL gauntlets, I stow them on a nearby corpse and wait for the timer to run out. Sweat pours down my face as I let the timer run out. No crash, but this has happened before. The real test is when I save. Tentatively I press the F5 button...

...it works!! Back to the quest!

Okay, so clearly fighting the ogres head-on doesn't work. My equipment sucks and I'm a little lackadaisical when it comes to healing myself, and running when the running is good. Instead, Super King decides that we have to rely on his naturally devious dino-cunning.

...but how?

Well, hello there.

It's just a theory, but those Ogres look like they've been packing away a bit too many hamburgers at the Happy Shack. I don't think they'll have quite the 'ups' that Super King does, and so I run a little rope-a-dope gambit and send the whole horde of them charging back to the shattered remains of the entry way. You can view the (rather satisfying) aftermath below:

Yeah, I'm pretty happy with how that turned out.

That'll teach you to mess with me, fatty!

There's only one thing you can do after a job with that kind of success rate.

Sit!

...what?

Of course, the racist shopkeepers won't let me lounge around as is my preference. Apparently they hate dinosaurs (maybe they had a bad run-in with those Blackwoods Company losers?) and if I don't buy anything I'm not welcome here. Well Super King takes exception to that!

But Rome wasn't built in a day, and trying to change a bigot's mind isn't really worth your time. The guy does have some nice looking armor anyway. We'll humor them... this time. Super King resolves himself to break in later and totally 'bust up some shit' while the guy's asleep. STREET JUSTICE!

Okay, so it makes me look like a fancy boy. That's okay, the stats are good.

Back to the guild! A job well done! Let's go apologize to the Guildmistress and save the world together!

Oh, wait, no. Not this time.

Then again, me and Super King are wondering if these QUESTS are getting old.

Here's a hint:

They are.

But let's do it anyway. I have a feeling we're getting to the good stuff.

Hey, pig boy. It's people like you that give us non-humans a bad name. Go back to your mudsty!

In Super King's highly evolved dinosaur mind, the only racism that 'counts' is the racism against dinosaurs. Other races don't count, mostly because they can barely be allowed to hold the title of 'intelligent life', and, if this green turdsack is any indication, they never will.

Guess who kidnapped the guy's daughter?

Ogres: the new troll!

Just like last time we learn a valuable lesson about Ogres. Not only are they significantly lacking in the 'ups' department, their unhealthy level of obesity causes them a great deal of difficulty in even mustering the simplest tasks of gate operation.

In layman's terms, their fatasses can't fit through the door, and end up getting peppered with more of Super King's baneful boltheads.

You're who I was supposed to rescue?

You know, when I position the monsters to be picking their noses it's funny. That's just plain sad, lady.

But a job's a job, and we get the lady "Rughdump" back safely to her father, only to be awarded with some piece of crap sword that drains 'Speechcraft', of all things. Maybe that word criminal would've been wise to use it on himself and put his brutal murder of the English tongue out of its misery.

Really, this is the capstone, though:

Bro, you can keep her.

What's really exciting is (after one more job involving EFFING TROLLS that isn't worth describing) that both of the reject guild leaders tell me they're all out of jobs and I've gotta go back to Oreyn for SUPER SECRET SPY TRAINING. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout! It's time to kick some Blackwoods Company ass!

Oh geez. That's no good.

Super King finds the hauling in of a fellow dinosaur to be particularly distasteful, but he considers his prior experience with other members of his race. Living in the generic confines of the natural caves in the area must do something to their minds. He resolves himself to probe deeper into this matter, to discover the source of this dino-insanity and become a beacon of hope to his beleaguered people.

Also, we get to kill some smelly humies. That's always fun.

Deep into the cave we find the leader, cocky and vile as ever, but not outwardly hostile.

You asked for it...

Unfortunately for the opposing dinosaur, being cocky and vile IS outwardly hostile to other dinosaurs and, what's more, a dinosaur is required by law to do whatever another dinosaur asks.

Hey SK, I think we went a little overboard.

Oreyn's not gonna like this...

Seventh Step: Cherry Pie, Racial tension, and Blatant Nudity

2006-05-02T10:02:00.000-07:00

I wholeheartedly did not want to miss Friday's update, or Monday's, but sometimes life gets in the way, as we all well know, and it's not like I ever set myself to a schedule for this anyway. So here's one for Tuesday and let's hope I'll do another on Friday.

Back on the beaten path, Super King moves out to find more jobs with the Fighter's Guild. Yeah, the pay sucks and the jobs are usually boring, but if he keeps finding fancy rings that turn him into a ghost so he can scary wussy guildmaster's sons then... he'll deal, for awhile.

The next mission sends him right back to Leyawin where he has to deal with the asinine behavior of The Blackwoods Company, the mercenary group that's stealing all the good jobs from the Fighter's Guild. Super King was sent out to find out why Maglir defaulted on yet ANOTHER contract. Upon entering the tavern we find the reason: he's with those Blackwood apes now!! Quintuple curses! Damn you, you rotten monkey scum!

Confound you Maglir! I knew I should've left you to the mudcrabs!

And soon the problem is identified, one of the higher ups of the Blackwoods Company who wooed Maglir away from the righteous path. An Argonian, no less!

This isn't the way to racial equality, brother...

Super King is momentarily swayed by the idea that maybe he could be a Blackwoods merc too and hang out with sweet Argonian dudes (and hot babes!) all day long, but the idea soon passes. After all, who really needs all the hassle of that. Have you ever heard a Black Marsh Argonian try to sleep? It's all hisses and snores all night long and it's like NONE of them can ever keep their tail still. No, Super King will wait until he controls the Fighter's Guild, then he'll replace all the members with the cool kinds of Argonians, the ones with fins on their heads.

And then he'll replace all them with cherry pie.

And then he'll eat the cherry pie.

And then he'll be lonely... but filled with cherry pie.

So it looks like Super King yet AGAIN has to complete a contract for Maglir. How exciting! What's even more exciting is that the contract the idiot defaulted on is the most boring thing in the world. A local mage needs 10 portions of Imp Gall and our dinosaur hero is gonna be the one to get it!!

Well, look, that might be fine for Apes like Maglir, but awesome dinosaur people like Super King have self-respect.

Unfortunately, they also have to pay alimony to three separate ex-wives, soooo... we take the job.

I won't waste your time with the nitty-gritty, just know that lots of Imps were slain and much treasure was found.

See? Treasure!

But what's more interesting than treasure is the few bottles of a curious substance that Super King digs up deep in the dungeon... drugs!

I'm your candy man.

Skooma soon becomes my favorite toy, and I resolve myself to find more of it at my earliest opportunity. It totally jacks all your combat stats at the mere expense of (semi-)permanent damage to your Intelligence. Easily fixed by going to a temple altar and hours upon hours of fun for the whole family! However, despite our fervent testing, it doesn't appear possible to become addicted to it. This saddens me, thinking about all the stats I could've lost by going through painful withdrawal, wondering if there's a 'Puking' skill that I could practice while attempting to go cold turkey off the stuff, roleplaying my eventual return to the substance and spiraling into a ruined life... so many opportunities!

But no, not this time. No matter how much I drink (and believe me, I got a LOT of the junk) nothing seems to happen besides the eventual reduction of Super King's intelligence to the level of the common house cat. Even this has no effect on gameplay, and -purposely- crashing into walls while gibbering nonsense to yourself isn't as fun as being forced to do it by the game.

Okay, back to the fighter's guild. I am convinced at this point that I have helped nearly every person in the county of Cyrodiil and will HAVE to be given a real job when I go back for my next contract. The law of averages states that at some point one of my jobs will actually have a real and worthwhile goal. This is science fact.

...

...on second thought, are you sure there's no rats to save or books to pick up?

Okay guy, now you're REALLY making me uncomfortable.

Turns out he was just priming me for the mission at hand. We're gonna go kick some serious Blackwoods Company ass! It gets me all excited, I'm totally pumped!! I pack my bag full of Skooma and turn to Oreyn to render a sharp salute, sword at my side, ready for action!

Okay, here's the plan. You run in and take all the hits, and I'll go off and find treasure! We'll meet up in fifteen minutes!

Turns out Oreyn doesn't much care for my plan. Instead we're gonna have to crawl through no less than TWO sets of ruins trying to find this guy who may or may not have paid off the Blackwoods Company in order to decimate the Fighter's Guild's ranks and all this other jibber jabber that I don't care about. We have to go find Azani Blackheart and make him say he's sorry and that he'll never, ever, eeeeeeeever do it again, promise!

Somewhere in the first ruin Oreyn's MAGNIFICENT AI gets stuck on a wall and I end up leaving him behind as I trudge on through to second ancient excavation sight. Here I take a deep breath before descending into the depths, fully expecting another retarded trek through a mouse and crab infested cavern.

Well, I was wrong. This cavern is entirely populated by annoying Red Guard mercenaries (almost all female, Azani is a P-I-M-P!) who do little more than chase me around with their warhammers out while I pepper them with arrows. Super King decides that he's really starting to like this bow stuff, especially considering, when far enough away, you can get the Sneak Attack damage bonus like -four- times before they notice you.

It seems to me that after being shot once I would be aware enough to avoid future arrows, but hey... what do I know?

Our dinosaur king finally comes face-to-face with Azani in a sort of makeshift throne room at the heart of the ruins. The guy doesn't even ask questions, just goes right after our poor buddy. Azani Blackheart, more like Azani BIGFATRACIST! Super King dispatches him with the utmost in prejudice and commences the ceremonial removing of all his clothes and leaving him to rot in a silly position. Now everyone will know you don't mess with dinosaurs!

Also, he peed on the corpse.

Lie their, dead in your indignity!

Nothing like a job well done.

Anyway!!

We have to go back and find Oreyn who, some many days later, is still stuck on the same wall in the same cave. Then we have to hold his hand and walk aaaaaaaaall the way back to the ruin before we're given the option to give him Azani's ring and apologize for not giving them the chance to say he was sorry. Oreyn grouses about not being there to take part in the action, but we think it's a cover-up. Nobody with a mohawk like that is tough in a real fight. Maybe if we were in 80s movie starring Charlie Bronson, but other than that...

Yeah, dead. NO THANKS TO YOU!

Now, let's go rout some people and have a good ole time of it! I'm ready for the real deal chief, I just know I am!

Oh...

No, how about instead you send me on a bunch more BS missions?

At least this one directly involves killing some people. Let's move out to yet ANOTHER cave. Hop to it!

Ready for action.

Super King is double-triple ready to kick some humie ass after his last few encounters. His hopes are few, and easily summed up here:

1) Lots more chairs to sit in.
2) Hot Dinosaur Babes.
3) Sweet Armors for the wearing.

None of these wishes would be fulfilled during the mission, but 'killing lots of stupid humans' was a very close 4th on his to-do list, so it's okay. He lays waste to the first few bandits with nothing but the best in karate prowess. In the wake of his onslaught, nothing but the defrocked bodies of his foes lie strewn across the landscape.

Wallow in eternity, your nudity betrays your intent!

Taste the wrath of public humiliation! Your corpse is a display for the unwary!

Also: "lol, you got WOOD

While reveling in his masterpiece with Ashanta, the slain Red Guard woman (Super King is getting quite adept at killing Red Guard ladies, and considers yet another possible career path if 'totally awesome hero-guy' ends up not working out), the dinosaur finds his scaly hide pierced with all pain of a wayward staple. It is not until the second missile hits that he realizes he is being peppered with arrows. Fie and bollocks! Our ridiculously strong pain tolerance has hindered us again! I guess there IS such a thing as being too masculine. Upon turning to his newfound foe, Super King is confronted with a horrible revelation.

Brother... w-why?

The creature is already running away, giving Super King a moment's pause. He knows that no trueblooded dinosaur would flee a fight, but then... no trueblooded dinosaur would start a fight with another dinosaur. THEREFORE! It must be the case that this dinosaur is naught but a dino-imposter!! He's wearing dino-makeup and trying to pass!

Yes, run criminal! Your end is nigh!

The creature, whatever it is, doesn't show much in the way of dino-smarts either, and ends up nearly committing suicide by walking backwards into a pit, and Super King is quick to follow with his waraxe flashing in the torchlight, ready to finish the job. When all's said and done the pathetic beast is stripped in the same fashion as his companions before him and the job is done.

Oh, oh look at me! I'm so pretty! I'm a fancy boy!

And now I'm picking my nose! I'm so gross, I'm picking my nose!

Surfeit with the feeling of a job well done, young Super King strides his way back to town ready to collect his reward, his pack heavy with the clanking metals and rustling clothes of a king's ransom in bandit armor. Maybe today wasn't so bad after all...

Hey guild leader, you're full of surprises too! I'm surprised you're ACTUALLY WEARING CLOTHES FOR ONCE!

See ya on Friday!

Sixth Step: Maglir, Mud Crabs, and Viranus's Big Adventure!

2006-04-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

Let's get it started.

Fresh off the heels of his expedition with the merchant's guild of Imperial City, Super King lusts for the thrill of the fight. He's convinced that what lies around the bend from him is a wondrous world of adventure and the key is clutched in his scaly hands. He needs only to think of where to go next. And what better place is there than the house of sadistic tendencies, the Fighter's Guild! Convinced that he's now slain the entire rat population of Cyrodiil, the dinosaur believes there to be nothing left for him except contracts that bring in the beaucoup bucks and, more importantly, allow him to exercise his bloodthrist with reckless abandon. Tremble mortals, for your end is nigh! Super King in the HOUSE! Lay it on me brother Oreyn, tell me who I gotta kill!

Oh, yay.

Super King is noticeably disappointed. He signed up for the guild to smash things, not spend time with the smelly fleshbags that refer to themselves as "humans". This particular ape, a sniveling whiner named Maglir, has encountered his dino-liege once before in the town of Leyawin. On an earlier Fighter's Guild contract Super King had pulled has ass out of the fire after the doughy, downtrodden Maglir defaulted on the oh so exciting(!!) contract of RETRIEVING SOMEONE'S LOST BOOK. Oh well, maybe this time it'll be more fun. Chin up Super King, Maglir can't be THAT useless! Who did Oreyn say we had to talk to again?

... ... ... .........................................

Looks like there's another cave holding a secret item that only the two of us can retrieve. But the journey gets off to a bad start right out of the gate. Apparently Maglir's been raiding the pantry during the time he should've been completing his own contracts.

How about a little less pie and a lot more slaughtering of native fauna?
Hurry it up doughboy!!

Super King resolves himself to dump this lightweight (used ironically, please note) at the first available opportunity. If all goes well he'll be devoured by rats and mudcrabs while the dinosaur grabs all the glory for himself.

Normally Super King would slaughter the ape-filth when nobody was looking, but he's only wearing Iron Armor. And since we've got better stuff it's not really worth the effort.

Inside the cave we find the bandits we have stolen fat face's knicknack of unwavering boredom. It's another dumb fetch quest, but that's okay. For our character, the beloved dinosaur, it's starting to become much more about the journey (and the killing of humans the journey requires) than the reward itself. Have at you, stupid humans! The first bandit encountered wears a very fetching mask that Super King desires with all the fury his three dino-hearts can muster.

So preeeeeeeeetty.

But, upon felling the wretched creature, no mask is to be found...

Well that's hardly fair... where'd it go?

This is where Jerry sits me down and teaches me a very valuable lesson about the meaning of Conjuration magic, specifically the ability to conjure armor for yourself. I find that a little lame, because killing humans and NOT getting their items isn't really as much fun.

Don't get me wrong, it's still fun. A LOT of fun (they're still dirty meatbags, after all). It's just not -as much- fun as it could be.

The quest is completed as per the usual and, deciding that the whole mask affair has to be avenged, Super King sends Maglir into peril for his own amusement. The dopey warrior questions why his dinosaur companion is heading away in the opposite direction of the town, but his shoddily programmed AI can do naught but follow... right into the jaws of a fearsome MUD CRAB!

Foolish human! Now you will taste the void!

Much to Super King's chagrin, Maglir dispatches the creature with a fair bit of ease. This worries him, because if a human can do it... it barely seems worth doing at all. And all the worse, while Maglir busies himself with the crustacean our dinosaur is attacked by bandits most foul. Cat people! No!! Is there a furry convention in town he wasn't warned about?

Using the statements set down by countless cartoon TV shows and movies, Super King heads for the water. Not only is it his natural habitat, but the logic of a dozen Disney movies can't be wrong! Cats hate water!!

Swim kitty, SWIM TO YOUR DOOM!!!

In mere moments, Super King's fisticuffs have left the cat face-up in the pool. He howls triumphantly, pounding on the battered corpse with his fist and working himself into a berserker frenzy. Soon he can't stop himself from ripping pieces of cat hide away with nothing but his fanged maw.

Then he gags on a furball...

Alright, enough ignomity. Let's move on.

Still seeking the place of Maglir's untimely demise, Super King uses his radar to head towards a cave of ill repute. Inside there's a festival of the undead to which he can throw the human scum. Again Maglir is beset by the forces of evil. Super King uses this time to explore the cave and retrieve its secret treasures. In the dankest recesses he finds a pair of gauntlets, his first piece of Dwarven armor. But again has his hubris struck him unawares! After donning the new mail he turns to find Maglir cruelly slain and the zombies coming after him!! You know what that means...

FISTICUFFS!!

I've been waiting my whole LIFE for this!

Halfway through the endless battle, a sword emerges from the darkness to aid Super King in his plight. It's Maglir! At this point we realize that he was not dead, but only unconscious. It would appear that plot-important characters are immune to the cruel ravages of death. Super King is glad for Maglir's distraction. Though he wouldn't admit it, fisticuffs is probably not the best course of action when confronted by raging zombies. When the battle is over he spits in Maglir's face, which is the greatest honor a dinosaur can bestow upon the soft skinned races, and finally leads the reject back to town. With a triumphant cry of 'smell you later!' Super King juts his foot out in front of his fellow guild member and sends Maglir sprawling to the dirt. Relying on his natural agility vis-a-vis Maglir's dumpy, obese frame, the dinosaur charges back to town and collects the reward himself.

So invigorated, he immediately requests another contract. He's got people to slay!! Surely now that he's spent his time with Maglir the Waste of Space he'll be allowed into the inner sanctum of the guild and give the really good bounties. He just knows it!!

...wait, what?

Or we get to babysit some stupid humie again. Hooray for that.

Okay fine. We'll go kill the trolls with the Guildmaster's son. Super King is justifiable outraged, especially considering he's forced to give the little runt door-to-door service. Can you believe the nerve of that racist Oreyn? Making him, the Terrifying Lizard(!!), not only escort the reject through a "treacherous" cavern, but he also has to go all the way to the Donton house and pick him up! The nerve!!

Well, we won't let this offense go unopposed!

Say goodbye to your lunch, Donton!!

It's here we discover that using stolen food to create potions effectively 'launders' them and makes the resulting concoctions legal for sale. In this way, Super King can indulge his kleptomaniacal tendencies and actually make some money off the deal. What results is the biggest food heist the world has ever known. But maybe that's a story for another day, for now... on with the quest!

Listen junior, mother's gonna tell you the same thing I'm gonna tell you: Stop being such a dang pussy and let's go kill some freakin' trolls before I ruin my brand new gaunlets by ramming one up your ass and working you like goddang Pinnochio. LET'S GO ALREADY!

Being a guild member sometimes requires tough love.

Of course, "tough love", as it is translated from dinosaurian, is really more like saying "making a belt out of the intenstines of any stupid fleshsack that annoys you" soooo... Super King tries to restrain his fatherly tendencies. He doesn't want to get kicked out of the guild... not just yet anyway.

In the cave, we put our experiences with Maglir to good use and send Viranus after the trolls at full tilt. Since he can't die he makes the perfect meat shield while we work on our hand-to-hand abilities.

Go get 'em champ!

Here me and Super King learn two points of pertinent information:

1) NPCs can't fight worth jack damn (we sort of already knew that)
2) When they return to consciousness they have like two hitpoints, so they can't even aspire to reach the level to fight where they could maybe-kind-sorta-ALMOST fight worth a "jack damn".

Obviously Viranus isn't gonna be a whole lot of help this time around.

Abandoning his charge, Super King treads all the deeper into the dungeon and faces new and crueler beasts of his own. Maybe Maglir was right, some of these contracts are just plain crazy!

Moo.

It's then that Super King remembers something: HE'S A FREAKING DINOSAUR! So eff these wankers and their Dwarven Warhammers. The whirling fury of his fists is something that would inspire jealousy in even the greatest martial artists of our time. In the aftermath, our serpentine Bruce Lee is free to examine the trinkets and baubles held in secret by his wooly assailant.

Chameleon! Why, I'm already 1/8th Chameleon!

I know what you're thinking. He's also 6/8ths dinosaur (which is really like saying 5/8ths TOTALLY AWESOME AND RAD) and 1/8th Cherokee Indian. Weird parents, Super King had.

But he decides to try the ring on anyway as sheer curiosity gets the better of him. The results are... unpredictable. Suddenly he's bathed in shadow, the very light bending around him in weirding ways. I think you can guess what we decided to do next.

Viranuuuuuuuuus! Viranuuuuuus! This is the ghost of your faaaaather! Stop being such a puuuuuussy and kiiiiiiiiill something!
Also, give Suuuuuuuuuper King a thousand doooooooooollars for his overdue caaaaaar payments!

He didn't really get the joke...

After Super King got bored of being a ghost (well, temporarily bored, ghosts are so cool that you can never been FULLY bored of being one) they continued the quest and found the lost guild member in the expected condition: dead.

Ooops... better luck next time chum. We'll try harder to save the next guy.

Really, I'm not sure why you would send me on these rescue missions like a week after the guy disappeared. Wouldn't you just assume? Then again... maybe I shouldn't have listened to Viranus's suggestion to stop for bagels on the way out to the cavern.

But I love bagels so much!!

The quest is not without its just rewards, though, and Super King finds yet ANOTHER pair of gauntlets to poke and prod at.

Detect life? I wonder what that does...

Oh.

Guys, not for nothin', but I think you gave me the "gauntlets of detect fairy" by mistake. And it's not that I don't APPRECIATE it or nothin'... but I kinda already knew. I didn't need a big pink glow to tell me Viranus's curious... predilections.

See ya next week, kids!

Fifth Step: Potatoes, Peanut Butter, and Unabashed Racism

2006-04-21T07:49:00.000-07:00

Finding himself unfairly scorned by the public of Hackdirt and Chorrol (he didn't get any action, if you were wondering), Super King winds his way down the dirty path to the next town. What kind of hero would he be if he didn't go out of his way to help every straggler in need? People need to have their dogs rescued!! And their cows rescued!! And someone needs to gather raspberries. Who would be able to survive if they didn't have a strapping young lad to GATHER THEIR RASPBERRIES?!

Almost as if on cue, our dinosaur is approached by an elf who's quite forward about having a mission for him. Oooh, a mission, sounds exciting! He's told that it can't be discussed in public. Galthir, as he's called, suggests that Super King meet him after midnight behind the church in town. Oooh, a secret, so exciting!!

It's a chilly night, and Super King stomps his feet impatiently. The elf is late! And it's all that Super King can muster to not knock that honky upside his head. The promise of great rewards is too enticing, though! So he listens... apparently the elf is being stalked and he needs someone to watch his back and confirm his suspicions. You had me at hello, buddy. Sneaking is what I do!

Ssssh, we're hunting rabbits!

After being sent on three of these so called "missions", which mostly involves following boring peasants farming on boring farms and eating boring lunches, Super King is getting a little fed up. These are just boring humies! But Galthir just won't hear it! After being told that he's a psycho, and none of these people are stalking him, the elf goes on the offensive and Super King has to put him down with the utmost in prejudice. Unhand me villain, it's time for fisticuffs!

In the brutal aftermath Super King cleans off his steel armor and roots through the corpse for whatever he can find. He feels no guilt for killing something so low on the evolutionary ladder. It's the human condition, like swatting a fly, he just doesn't care. What he DOES care about is finding this elf's money stash... 'coz he's certainly been paying pretty well for these waste of time stalking jobs... no such luck. Even a wholesale turndown of the elf's house reveals not a whole lot more than piles of apples and the normal useless crap like calipers and yarn. Why does every house in the world need yarn, anyway? Are there really that many shirts to mend? How about instead of yarn we work on inventing the bathroom, because I've been holding it for about THIRTY DAYS.

Forget towns. Forget quests. Obviously that stuff really just isn't working out for us and our dino-hero is getting crazy-tired of wasting his time finding lost cabbages for itinerant workers. He's going to strike off on his own! There's been a few ruins he's seen around and those things always have crazy amounts of monies, right? Ancient civilizations, without exception, are rich with the burgeoning wealth of the current civilization. Who knew that people a thousand years ago used gold coins TOO? I know it sounds crazy!

Okay... we're really gonna need to start finding more gold and less rat meat.

Deeper and deeper into the dungeon he goes, curious about what he might find (beyond rotting rodent carcasses and their filthy treasures). These ancient guys were pretty suspicious, this much is made obvious by the amount of traps that litter the dungeon. However, it might've been a little better for them if they were also a little smarter. Avoiding most of these traps is easily accomplished with the brain of an autistic four year old. For example:

Gee... I wonder what kind of floor has HOLES IN IT? Maybe I'll just step around.

Spikey Pit Trap: "Not stepping on me, my one weakness! How did you know?"

Further in there's even more devious machinery. However, these too are easily traversed. The poison gas trap is especially fun, but only because Super King is wholly immune to poison, and, as such, spends a solid chunk of time just staring at the gas pouring out and wondering what it's for. "I wish instead of gas it was peanut butter," he muses to himself, poking at the metal grating, "If it was a peanut butter trap then I could have a picnic." After this becomes boring, it seems the dinosaur shares his player's ADHD affliction, he saunters out the wide open door to darker recesses of the dungeon. I mean really guys, who makes a poison gas trap without the standard locked doors that go along with it? It's like nobody in this dungeon's ever played a Resident Evil game before...

Maybe if I just -pretend- it's peanut butter...

The first bit of treasure comes in a disappointing fashion, something called an "Alembic", which settles to rest quite comfortably in Super King's Alchemy section. He's intrigued, until he realizes all it really does is let him create 'Restore Fatigue' potions that weigh more than any Restore Fatigue potion ever has. Seriously, two pounds? That's just terrible inefficient. We're not sure if it has better -effects- than the non-Alembic potions, but we really don't care. First off, Fatigue is stupid stat that's a waste of time anyway and second... we weren't drinking the potions anyway!!

Seven pounds? My FIRST BORN didn't weigh that much!

This is turning out to be not so fun an expedition, and Super King is seriously reconsidering going back to town and digging up more carrots for the helpless villagers, that is... until!

This is the closest thing you can get to an erection in a videogame.

I want that sword, BAD, and Super King heartily agrees with me. Unfortunately, due to game mechanics, we can't steal anything that's equipped and all the lady Umbra has in her inventory is a paltry 20 gold pieces. Damnation!

Also... it makes her 'aggro' and she flips out and totally attacks us for no reason. Uncool, man! So we decide that if we can't steal the sword we're gonna take it by force. She drew first blood!

After about forty reloads we learn that we -also- cannot take the sword by force, which only makes us want it more!! We'll be back for you, ya hoser, you'll see. And when we come back you're gonna be real sorry. Oh well, I guess it's back to FedEx quests for the local populace...

Almost as if on cue:

Seriously lady, potatoes?

You're sending me on a quest for potatoes? Did you see my kickass armor and my bitching freezer sword? What am I, chopped meat? This is totally uncool, and the fact that I'm even being send on this quest sends me (and Super King) into a paradoxical rage that makes us want to complete the quest even MORE. Off into the wilderness we dash! Those potatoes will be safe! Just show me the villainous ogre that saw fit to snatch them from you!

FISTICUFFS!

Okay, change of plan. He's better at fisticuffs than I am.

After a grueling battle involving well over forty arrows (a mere fraction of them are recoverable from the ogre's battered frame), the potatoes are liberated from their captor. I surge forward, my veins filled with the bursting energy of a job well done. It's time to claim our just reward. Which is...

Not that great.

Now I REALLY wish I had that peanut butter, though.

Okay. Forget ruins, forget FedEx quests. Super King resolves himself to return to the fighter's guild. Sure he's tired of killing rats, but at least those jobs provided semi-realistic rewards in the form of cold hard cash. It's just hard to submit yourself to such a clearly racist institution. I've been in the fighter's guild a whole month and we have yet to see ONE SINGLE Argonian among the ranks. When I bring up such complaints at the lodge meetings they just laugh at me and tell me to look in a mirror, which really isn't very nice... but it's okay. I'll be guild master one day and I'll racially cleanse the CRAP out of this guild. For now, I've got a mission to stop some of my guild brothers from causing ruckus in a far off town.

During the days-long journey through swamps and forests and mountains, Super King starts to wonder why the guild keeps giving him contracts that involve traveling halfway across the known world. Wouldn't it be more efficient to just send someone from Leyawin's fighter guild to deal with the problem, you know, considering it's in the SAME DAMN TOWN?! Oh well, it's not really worth worrying about. They'd probably just call him a stinking swamp lizard or something.

Also as if on cue:

Okay buddy, leave the pretty dinosaur bartender alone.

Super King is forced to sit through about an hour of the guild members crying in their beer about the Blackwoods company stealing all their contracts before he's told that he has to GET them a contract or they won't like him anymore. Well that's just retarded. Super King helps those who help themselves, but at the same time... he knows if he doesn't do the job right than that stupid Dark Elf Oreyn is gonna yell at him some more. It's like the guy has a chip on his shoulder that's become so large that it's managed to create its OWN chip.

The part where I had to get a whole bunch of ectoplasm for some annoying mage isn't all that interesting, so we'll skip it. Let's leave it at this: why search for what you can buy in a neighboring town for pennies on the dollar? If humans weren't such idiots, Super King imagines that he'd never get work through the fighter's guild at all. Maybe it's good they haven't figured a few of these things out...

One more interesting thing did happen down in Leyawin town, though:

Lady... you just said the wrong thing.

After about another forty reloads of me trying to take on her and her guards, I realize that sometimes it's not as important to be right as it is to be wrong and have really big guys in armor who are willing to back you up on the matter. I seek refuge in Imperial City, hoping that the racial climate will be a bit more subdued there. Or, at least, that the racist people will be poorer and thus not guarded by heavily armed men.

I'm not given a whole lot to go on in that respect, though, as my time is immediately consumed by the attentions of the Merchant's Guild, who want me to stalk one of the shop proprietors in the neighborhood and see if he's up to no good. Super King is immediately suspicious, the events with Galthir leaving a bad taste in his mouth, but he can't say no when he's promised a rather sizable reward. Plus, sneaking around after people is just plain fun.

Sneak sneak sneak. Sneak sneak sneak.
Oh, I could do this all day long!

Turns out this time there was some truth to the rumors. Our shopkeeper subject, another dirty elf-type, has been buying merchandise purloined off the bodies of dead aristocrats. When confronted with the matter he denies any knowledge of it, and begs his dino-savior to look into the matter further, and investigate his cohort Agarmir, who has been providing him with the corpse-lifted wares.

Well, Agamir's a badguy. Him and his thug buddy are waiting in the tomb and there's this really lame speech that Super King has to sit through about how 'it's a trap, and you'll notice this grave is empty, that's because it's for you and blah blah blah you're gonna die'. The dinosaur amuses himself by yawning, and pantomiming the action of brushing his teeth with his tail. These acts of bravado on his part nearly lead to disaster.

Oh crap, I forgot you were gonna attack me!

When the deed is done Agamir and his thug are left in a rather comprimising position.

Roffle! Are you guys like gay or something? EL OH EL!

Super King steps back to admire his handiwork, but he knows deep in his scaly heart that something still isn't right about this whole thing. While looting the bodies it comes to him...

It was so obvious!! Why didn't I think of this before!

'A job well done!' Super King congratulates himself as he strides back to the merchant section of town, inwardly cackling about future reactions of the guardsmen when they find the two thieves so posthumously embarrassed. Serves you right, suckers!

Super King wasn't really mad about the grave digging so much as he was about the fact that he hadn't thought of it first. Now that Agamir and his crony are out of the way, the dinosaur tries to decide if it'd be a more lucrative profession. If he remembers correctly, there's a merchant out there now that just lost his supplier... And he DOES have this shovel...

Got me a movie, I want you to know. Slicin' up eyeballs, I want you to know.

I love "Debaser"!! The Pixies rock. Well played Bethseda, well played.

Fourth Step: Fruity Pajamas, Alchemy, and the Continuing Quest for Dinosaur Sex

2006-04-18T07:38:00.001-07:00

It took a couple tries with the rats (Super King, as we mentioned in the first episode, DESPISES rodentia), but eventually we did manage not to kill them. Turns out the lady was keeping them as pets and a mountain lion kept breaking in and attacking them. Well that's all fine and dandy, but I sort of joined up with the corps to do some good in the world and not protect some lady's smelly crap factories.

After I've resolved the mouse problem I move on to the next fighter's guild. They're making me go to the next town over the jerks can't keep me employed in one town for more than two seconds. That's okay, upon entering the front door Super King realizes something that the many treks through that rat infested basement had made him forget:

There's TONS of stuff to steal in the Fighter's Guild. And this place is just ripe for the picking! First stop: display cases.

I broke like fourteen lockpicks to get at this crap. WHY DO YOU TAUNT ME?!

All was not lost. Though the gauntlets and dagger were nothing to write home about, the rest of the gills was stuffed to the rafters with all sorts of interesting doo-dads, as we might've come to expect. More than once Super King exceeds his maximum encumbrance. He chortles to himself, sticking longswords and maces in his pack in plain view of everyone. 'That's what you get for four hundred years of oppression, sucker!!' he shouts, raising a pilfered hunk of venison high into the air. The fighter's guild porter, to whom it was addressed, looks at Super King with a smile and queries whether or not he's got any armor that needs fixin'. The dino-hero stares at him with a sullen face. It's not as fun to steal from people when they don't care...

Anyway! We decide that it's time to balance our Yang with a little Yin, and Super King storms up the stairs to shake hands with the guildmaster. A rough and tumble sort, no doubt! Someone who's been through countless engagements and bears the scars to prove it. A no nonsense man, a strong man, the kind of leader that you'd follow into battle any day! The kind that you'd want your kids to emulate!

Are you kidding me...? YOU'RE my boss?

Super King shakes the orc awake, praying that this is some cruel prank pulled by other members of the guild. He fully expects that when the guildmaster awakens he'll be just as startled as the dino-recruit by his curious choice of sleepwear. "Pajamas?!" he'll exclaim, pausing only to rip them from his burly frame before going on a (naked) rampage through the building, killing every Porter he sees with the unquenched fury of his bare hands.

Such is not the case... and Burz gro-Khash barely bats an eye at his fruity sleepwear. Super King is totally taken aback. "Uh..." he starts, "Uh... Azzan said something about a job?" Unsaid is the closer to that sentence: if it's about rats then you're gonna get BURIED in that fruity get-up. Though Burz is guildmaster and clearly has many years of experience on him, Super King'll be damned if he's gonna let some goddang sissy send him on another rat hunting mission.

No, instead we have to deliver weapons to some rejects in a cave five minutes away who couldn't be bothered to do it themselves. Makes sense to me!! Considering I had to travel halfway across the world to get this reject job, I hope it was totally worth the travel time when all your boys are doing is sitting around by a fire, getting drunk on low quality mead. The dinosaur is starting to get severely weary of this soft-skinned fleshy races, but he accepts the job nonetheless. He needs to keep advancing in rank so once he's guildmaster he can cleanse the halls of all non-dinos and bring in his own new recruits. Once they've converted to an all scaly format things will be better, he just KNOWS it.

But for now...

Alright lady, have fun. See ya later!

Just as he's turning away to leave, Super King is grabbed and told in no uncertain terms that he isn't getting out of this cave until every single one of the goblins is dead. He briefly considers just killing all the softies right there on the spot, as nothing in the job request specifically said he COULDN'T slaughter the guild members after delivering the weapons... but he decides (against his better judgment) to sally forth with the understanding that goblins often die with treasure clutched in their filthy paws. At least he'll be killing -something- sentient. It has to be more fun than rats, right?

Turns out it WAS pretty fun... just not for everyone else.

Oooops... sorry guys.

The sole remaining member of our attack party doesn't seem overly concerned with his companion's deaths, nor does he seem all that concerned that I'm looting their corpses right before his very eyes. Momma-dino didn't raise no fool and, despite being crushed under a pile of logs, that Orc's steel armor is in pretty dang good condition. Weight requirements prevent me from snatching up leader girl's chainmail, but I briefly consider making a trip back. It doesn't seem to have a very good defensive value, but it DOES make me look positively smashing.

All things in good time, I've got business to attend to. Super King trudges his way back to Guildmaster McFruitypants and reports the (relative) success of the hunting party, tugging awkwardly on the collar of his new steel curiass and hoping good ole Burz doesn't recognize his friend's getup.

Freedom! In addition to the pilfered armor and weapons, the dinosaur is handed a not-so-meager reward in the form of a couple hundred gold pieces. Seed money, if you will.

It all started back in the Chorrol fighter's guild, where Super King realized that stealing books was a lightweight and reasonably profitable way to increase his Mercantile skill (apparently no shopkeeper questions someone trying to sell twelve dozen books at one time). As luck would have it, the dinosaur took the time to read a passage or two from the musty old tomes before pawning them for shiny gold pieces and miniscule increases to his skill ranks. In these arcane volumes he picked up a secret or two about Alchemy, the science of mixing ingredients to create potions. Not really the sort of reading material he'd expect to find in the fighter's guild, but whatever. It's better than picking up your fourteenth volume of 'Hairy Nord Babes with Nothing to Lose'. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to try and sell one of THOSE?

Knowledge is power... FOR REAL.

Super King has always been a schemer, and emboldened by his extracurricular activities he gathers up as much rat meat and lettuce as he can and goes to work making just about every potion he can think of. Most of these are colossal failures, but it doesn't matter because even the good ones smell like doggy dung. Super King finally realizes why he's been hauling around 67 pieces of Viper Bugloss (whatever THAT is) and from there on the sky is the limit. Soon he's burdened down with the clanking weight of newfound wealth, ready to make his way to a nearby general store and unload his ill-gotten gains at a reasonable price. By stealing all food from the fighter's guild and convenient farm locations he's basically reduced his overhead to zero, minus opportunity cost inflicted by travel time. The result? PURE PROFIT! As the dollar signs rack up in his head, Super King is confronted by an odd vision...

You don't say...

My excitement runs rampant when I realize that there's some sort of 'perks' system in this game, and I can barely constrain myself from jumping up and down in my seat, and mixing about two dozen more lettuce and wheat 'Restore Fatigue' potions in the hope that I get to see another one of those congratulatory messages. Some time later I give up the ghost with a gentle sigh. Later I'll do some reading on the subject and find out that perks are given out at the 25, 50, 75, and 100 marks. That's not exactly as fast as I would prefer, and I'm sure Super King would agree with me when I say that perks should be given out at the 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, etc... mark, but what do I know? I'm just a lowly computer gamer.

The nearest general store just so happens to be the one owned by that nasty old hag of an Argonian with the hot daughter from last episode. Super King saunters in with his tail up in the air, convinced that he's gonna be 'gettin' some tonight' as soon as tasty lil' Dar-Ma sees his rather impressive collection of 'Poison Self' potion debacles. When he inquires as to the whereabouts of the fine piece of 'tail' the mother just about breaks down in tears, or the dinosaur equivalent of tears anyway. Dinosaurs are so tough that whenever they feel like crying they just turn to someone nearby and floor them with a haymaker punch.

It's awesome, I know.

Super King is ready for this, of course, being not only super strong and totally masculine, but also a really empathetic dude. 'There, there, it's okay' he purrs to the woman as he helps her off the floor, having dodged her haymaker and totally counterpunched her in the jaw. This dinosaur ain't nobody's fool, if you want to take your grief out on someone, grandma, do it to one of the softies outside.

Soon sensation has returned to the woman's mouth and she's able to tell the tale without spitting out any more teeth or an OVERLY copious amount of blood. Super King listens intently, convinced that if he rescues the daughter then he's TOTALLY gonna get some action!

I just need to know one thing... is your daughter a slut?

So emboldened by the promise of reward is Super King that he struts his way off into the wild blue yonder. Apparently Dar-Ma is being held captive in the settlement of Hackdirt just a little ways south of here. Super King readies his sword for battle and approaches the settlement under the cover of night, but sees nothing all that out of the ordinary. Sure the buildings are only halfway completed and the main road into the town appears to be a foul combination of mud and human feces... but isn't this how ALL apes live?

Still, he decides it'd be prudent to use his inborn stealth skills. Clambering his way against the sides of ramshackle huts and brokendown carts, Super King discovers a hidden trapdoor leading to the Hackdirt underground. Once again he breaks about fourteen picks in the process of trying to open the lock, but he blames it on his excitement over the SURELY impending sexual liaison, citing that to be enough to overcome his impressive lockpicking potentcy. 'You really can only be potent at one thing at a time,' he informs me, 'And I think you can see where my attention lies at the moment.'

Indeed I could, though my eyes do so wish that I did NOT. I would've taken your word for it!

Dar-Ma is held up in a cage in the middle of the cave system. She begs for release and Super King considers whether or not he should get something in writing about future carnal encounters before he lets her out. Almost as if on cue, a shirtless human attacks while the dinosaur is distracted. You cad!! How dare you befoul this nice new armor? HAVE AT YOU!

When slain, the filthy creature coughs up the key to the cell and Super King and his new 'ho' are off on their daring escape from the town. The dino-savior is briefly distracted by thoughts of planting explosives in the cave so he can do a really sweet 'action hero runs away from the exploding building' scene, but is again distracted upon realizing that the town has become a beehive of activity. Shirtless humans everywhere!!

Seriously guys, clubs? I'm a FREAKIN' DINOSAUR.

When the town is thoroughly cleansed, and it's clear that Dar-Ma ain't gonna give him none of that "sweet puddin", Super King kicks her to the curb and goes off to do some exploring. The innkeeper is the first not directly hostile person in the town, but the fact that he runs away instead of sitting to chat infuriates Super King to no end, and soon the poor guy's face down in the dirt like everyone else in the town. Super King sits down in one of the rotted out inn rooms and takes a moment to reflect on the events of the day...

It's a good start, but I've got a lot more chairs to sit in if I wanna conquer the world!

Until next time, kids!

Third Step: Magical Swords, Dino-booty, and the Fighter's Guild

2006-04-14T08:16:00.000-07:00

When last we left our dino-friend he was merrily fleeing the confines of friend Jauffre's abbey with a literal herd of sheep in tow. That'll teach you to be more polite to strangers, ya dirty Dark Elf! Super King relishes in the fact that letting a man's livelihood escape into the forest isn't considered a crime, and reminds himself to release more sheep into the world if he should ever be troubled again.

Now freed from the bonds of the rather expensive amulet around his neck, Super King posits a question to himself 'What do I do next?' Not really one to follow orders, the young dinosaur turns to wherever the wind suggests he go. That whole silly thing about saving the world can wait until he's lined his pockets with gold and venison. As far as he's concerned, everything else is tertiary in nature.

Clearly he was wrong, though, as his hubris is short lived. While snooping around a local resident's house the presumptuous local guard sees fit to burst in and pick him up just like that. How unfair!! It's not like anyone was home, and even if they were... they were totally gonna let those tomatoes go to waste!

POLICE BRUTALITY! POLICE BRUTALITY!

Considering my fine is only $10 I feel like the best recourse right now is to just pay it off and let myself be processed. Had I realized that this would involve the lifting of the three valuable bottles of brandy I knicked last time I might've been a little pissed off. How the heck did they know that it's stolen? For that matter, how the heck do they know I stole that TOMATO? I must've picked up the only lo-jacked tomato in all of Cyrodiil. Super King mulls over his stealing habits. He won't stop... he's just gonna have to refine the technique.

Obviously that doesn't last long...

Don't worry about me lady, I'm the... plumber...

After a few more bouts in jail/fines Super King starts to learn his lesson. From now on we'll never steal again (when someone is looking)! Promise!!

Deciding that some community service is in order, our Terrifying Lizard(!!) saunters his way to the local drinking establishment, recognizing that roleplaying games often use taverns as a hub for all manner of FedEx quests and the like. Sure enough, A rather wizened old man has an offer for him, seems his farm's been in a bit of a pickle due to some recent goblin attacks.

Jeez, why does that last name look so familiar?

Oh yeah, this is the farm we robbed in the last episode. Well, the old man's two sons don't seem to be any the wiser, and Super King briefly considers picking their pockets just to remind them of their stupidity. Street justice, and all.

But before he can act his thoughts of petty penny pinching are washed away by the cruel impact of a goblins mace. Hey!! Ain't nobody gonna roll up in SK-Junior's hood with that whack nonsense! Some deft swings of his long sword (and about forty reloads) later, the goblin horde is defeated... and the farm's seen better days.

Guess I'm gonna have to find another place to get my corn...

Still, the rewards are proportional to the deed. Upon returning to the bar where the 'fraidy-cat of an old man is stewing in his liquor, Super King informs him of the glorious victory and is rightly given a rather fetching magical sword. It glows a magical blue, just like in the Lord of the Rings!! The dinosaur briefly considers testing it out on the most quickly available target (the old man, duh), but reigns himself in for the moment, deciding that the fine for murder is probably slightly more than $10 and since these guards all seem to have ESP like Patrick Stewart when he put his head in that metal colander in X-Men... we'll get you next time old man. Keep coughing up magic swords if you want to live.

I feel just like Mr. Frodo! ZAAAAAAP! ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! I love you Sam!!

Once his transaction is completed, Super King runs into a sight for sore eyes. The very first member of his race he's seen since his imprisonment. Dar-Ma, huh? That's kind of cute... do you come here often?

Baby, I Feel like I've known you my whole life.

But it was all a scam! The treacherous thing definitely didn't want to "wrap tails", or even anything close! All she's doing is out whoring her mom's trade goods store. Lady, the only reason I'm going in there is if every ten purchases removes a piece of your bodice. Do you like that? It's a new game I just made up, it's called Strip Barter, and it's awesome.

If there's any cute dino-girls out there that wanna play, just gimme a ring. 1-800-K-AWESOME.

Dar-Ma is not convinced, and Super King sighs with the realization that he's gonna have to find his sweet tail somewhere else. S'all good... she wasn't really his type. He continues to remind himself as she shakes her pert little fanny right off into the town square.

Somebody get me my Sir Mixalot tape, POST HASTE!!

Trying to take his mind off of things, Super King delves himself into the most latently homoerotic thing he can think of: the fighter's guild. The winsome face that greets him at the door is potent enough to eliminate any impure thoughts he was having... for about the next FORTY YEARS.

Chin up buddy, dental technology is advancing every day.

At the top left in that picture you'll see the "Persuasion Wheel", which I have become totally obsessed with. For the rest of the playing session I talked to every NPC I could see and raised their opinion of me to the max. This doesn't seem to have any effect on conversations unless the NPC has a bit of information he'll only share with 'friends' (I've found a grand total of ONE of them) or if they're a merchant, persuasion lets you get goods cheaper. I won't bore you will all the details, but suffice it to say... Speechcraft is going to be the first skill I max...

BY FAR.

After being given the run around for about an hour, I finally tread upon the one decrepit old lady I had to talk to in order to join the fighter's guild. Now a member, I'm totally excited that I'll be able to do some good in the world and make up for my sinful deeds of the past. What's my first job lady, huh? Lay it on me!! I'm ready!! I'm gonna go SAVE THE WORLD!

...I have to go to another FREAKING TOWN to get a job?

Well that's just brilliant.

Thankfully, due to the 'fast travel' system, the town of Anvil is a mere button press away. And my first sight upon entering the city is a rather pleasant one.

Oh yeah, I'm gonna like this place.

Wasting no time, I rush to the fighter's guild. But, unable to determine who's my job giver amongst this sea of shiny metal armor, I quickly get distracted and Super King returns to his thieving ways. When nobody's around I carefully mouse my cursor over a tomato...

...and the cursor doesn't turn red...

HOLY CRAP!!! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP!

I think you can imagine what follows. A theivery spree of such epic proportions that it couldn't be adequately recorded in text. Let me put it like this: if there's a single item left in the Anvil fighter's guild that isn't bolted down, they brought it in after I was there.

Most exciting of the day's prizes is the armor pilfered from the commander's office. All sorts of cool things like steel greaves and steel boots and... ooooh, what's this shiny gold stuff?

Okay, so it has NO defensive value, no gold value, weighs a lot, AND makes me look like a fruit. Yeah, pass...

Still, check out of the boots.

My situation is starting to look up, but I resolve myself to acquire more steel armor lest I mess up my Feng Shui. Nobody wants to hang out with a dinosaur that can't even color co-ordinate. That's just lame.

With the fighter's guild picked cleaner than a chicken bone, Super King sighs and makes his way towards the guild master. He'll do some good deeds if he HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS to. But really guys, it hardly seems fair to force such cruel and unusual servitude. There better be a good reason for this!

Rats? A-are... are you kidding me?

THANK GOD I SIGNED UP FOR THE CORPS AND AM DOING MY PART TO SAVE THE WORLD. WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT THE GUILD!? WHO WOULD KILL ALL THE EFFING RATS?!?!?!

Still, the guild master/town idiot promises there will be a serious reward upon completion of the task and that's all Super King needs. He rushes off to the house of the woman in distress. Seeing no one on the first floor he lunges down into the basement, towards the stench of the vermin. Enchanted blade swinging, Super King cuts a path through the filth, noting with some curiosity that none of them seem interested in fighting back. How odd, usually rats are a little more... ratty.

Die!! Die foul vermin!

When he tromps upstairs, covered in blood and rat faeces, there's a very admonishing face waiting for him. 'You killed my rats!' she screams at the top of her voice, 'Curse you wretched fighter's guild!'

Uh, oops... sorry lady?

RELOAD!

Tune in next week, kids!

Second Step: A New Beginning

2006-04-10T14:56:00.000-07:00

When last we left our hero he had just emerged from the murky abyss of the Imperial sewers. 'Why do humans let themselves lie in such filth,' Super King asked himself as he scooped handfuls of excrement from his beleaguered equipment. Now finally free again the world was his oyster, and thoughts weighed heavily on his dino-conscience. Should he move upon his righteous path to cleanse the human scum that imprisoned him against his will, or should he listen to their requests, understanding that to doom the human race would be to doom the entire planet in the process... HEY WAIT IS THAT A LAKE?!

Rubber duckie, you're the one.

Super King's newfound joy a being returned to the waters of his birth are unfairly cut short, though, as he spies an intruder on -his- beach. He shows the amulet, proof positive of his royal standing, but the crab continues to advance in a threatening manner. Find then, fiend, have at you!! I'll teach you to bespoil my waters with you excrement and delicious shellfish innards.

The battle is joined!

Further investigation of the surroundings leads Super King to a small keep he presumes to be the residence of Jauffre, the monk whose advice the Emperor told him to beseech.

If I was a filthy human, and I'm not, I think I'd find a better castle from which to save the world.

Clambering up the stairs of the battered and ruined building leads the young dinosaur to wonder why the apes continually took residence in abandoned-quality buildings. Why, if HE was the king... but wait! There's treasure to be found!

I wonder why the hand is red...

Treasure is a word with many definitions, though, and Super King comes out of his expedition feeling not much richer, especially after the realization that the grubby red hand marking his acquisitions is the sign of thievery. Though the suspenders on his new casual wear prove inimitably fun to pluck, he finds the leather pants a bit cumbersome in this dry summer heat. And what's more he doesn't really have a stalk of wheat or corncob pipe to complete the ensemble.

Back to Farmer Ted you go, clothes.

It is with some hesitation that Super King forces himself into the stagnant aroma that permeates the dungeon proper. Is this really where this Jauffre fellow lives? It certainly seems more dank and full of scampering imp monsters than humans usually prefer in their living arrangements... oh well, sally forth! And what's this? A voice not too far down the hall!

Hey Jauffre! Wait... you're not Jauffre...

Although Super King tries to explain himself, the bald pated human (nee "Conjurer"), starts flinging fireballs and summoning offensive monsters without a moment's hesitatation. Hey wait!! We're on the same side!

The Conjurer, no doubt a closeted bigot, has no problems with the continued flinging of flame in Super King's direction. Well eventually our reptialian buddy has had enough of this and puts him down with the utmost in prejudice. Super King takes a brief second to reflect on how he apparently chose the wrong clothes chest to rummage through, but quickly gets distracted and finds himself trying on the wizard's shoes.

Didn't they write a song about these?

Deciding that blue suede doesn't really fit him, the dinosaur again dons his worn leather boots and trods on to new horizons. In the distance he spies another decrepit monument and goes towards it hoping for the best. Without even bothering to check the upper floors, sure that they contain nothing but more of Farmer Ted's designer brand leather chaps, he sallies forth into the dank recesses of the tower. It's not long until he is again beset upon by evil forces.

Seriously, I didn't steal anything this time guys!
In the back of his mind he's really hoping this doesn't become a habit. About fifteen imps later that hope is dashed like a ship on the rocks. However, all is not lost! A thorough search of the dungeon presents the normal geegaws and knicknacks that Super King is by now accustomed too, along with a princess ransom in pilfered 'imp gad', whatever the heck THAT is (probably better that we do not know). In Super King's discerning eye, one singular treasure stands out:

Be honest, I make this look good.

What we've neglected to mention is that dinosaurs have an almost omnipotent resistance to disease, and the frilly garment is all but wasted on our handsome hero. He carefully packs it away all the same. Its weight is negligible, and having it available will come in handy should he run into any of them dino-prostitutes out in the wilderness. The little King (Prince?) is aching something fierce!

Back out into the field, Super King has discovered his convenient map function and now moves onward towards his destination at a fierce clip. Along the way he stumbles upon all matters of roots, mushrooms, and shrubbery that can be picked on a whim. Soon his inventory is overflowing with an amount of pharmaceuticals that would make any pusher blush.

This stuff'll get you like... so high... man... you'll be like... really high... man.

As he walks, Super King ponders future career paths. Already his two run-ins with the civilized world have proved rather disastrous, and the skill required to make potions is so distressingly easy that a child could do it. A HUMAN child, which, of course, means that Super King could do it were he missing nine fingers from his scaly hands. He is a dinosaur, after all, and inherently better. '...is there good money in the drug trade these days?' he queries to no one in particular. Cresting a hill he comes upon what must be a sign from god.

The motherlode!
A farm! Full of plants and shrubs and weeds for the plucking! And none of them flagged as 'stolen'! Within moments Super King has nicked every spot of produce the place has to offer and is considering a life of early retirement, but the light burning in the house nearby makes him think of bigger and better things. If they're rich enough to have a whole FARM, what must they be hiding behind that crudely locked door?

Further inspection and three lockpicks later, we find out the answer to that question: not much. But Super King won't let tiny quibbles like that delay him from his quest to improve his living situation. Also there's a few bottles of high priced brandy on the shelves that are just too good to pass up and there's a bench that looks miiiiighty comfortable.

Super King briefly considers making sitting in every chair in the land his NEW quest... the sky's the limit!

Soon the thievery game gets a little boring and after enjoying his good long sit his dino-brain turns its eyes towards deeper and deeper machinations. Though it is dark, he sets back out on the road to see what he can see. And what-ho! Off in the distance is a building that looks halfway decent. By dinosaur standards it'd be good enough to raise your cattle in... which probably means it's a place of some import to the apes. This time he's gonna try REALLY REALLY hard not to steal anything.

The cautious approach.

Upon coming up to the building, a chapel of some sort, he finds a stable wherein a rather belligerent dark elf chides him for seeking to joyride around on one of monk's horses. Well if they're monks they shouldn't have horses to begin with! Whatever happened to self-flagellation? When did that go out of vogue?

With enough persuading the dirty thing with the pointy ears gives up the good stuff. Jauffre is here and he's been waiting for me! Without a moment to lose Super King rushes up the stairs to claim his prize (which he hopes is money, and the government-sanctioned ability to sell the Emperor's amulet at a local pawn shop). Jauffre, who seems to be the prior of this place, gives him some long winded story about the gates of "oblivion" or whatever while Super King lounges back and lets the dollar signs ring up in his head.

It is not meant to be... and Jauffre relates that he has an errand for our hero to run before he gets to go from rags to riches. Looks like the Emperor liked to cat around, and he's got an illegitimate son waiting somewhere out there. And what's more, Jauffre's gonna keep the amulet! Super King's sole consolidation is that Jauffre opens the chapel's coffers to him.

Oh yeah baby, gimme the good stuff.

The "good stuff" isn't as great as he hoped, but a set of shiny iron armor is better than a cruddy set of rusty iron armor any day, so Super King gleefully makes the trade-off before taking his leave. Jauffre encourages our hero to ask the other monks for assistance, which Super King gleefully does in the traditional way...

With his fingers... in their pockets... while they're sleeping.

His pickpocketing skills aren't exactly as refined as he would've hoped, so yet another ancient Samurai sword slips out of his grasp, but he comes out the matter a few gold richer all the same. And he even manages to sweet talk one of the brothers into giving away his prized horse. Now, Super King didn't want the horse anyway, horses smell, but the ability to ride in circles around the Dark Elf while calling out profanity and racial slurs is priceless.

All good things are meant to come to an end, and Super King wallops his mount on the rear and sets it running into the distance before setting off himself...

But not before leaving the snide Dark Elf a parting gift...

All your sheep, gone! That'll teach you to MESS WITH ME pointy ears!

First Step: Prologue

2006-04-08T08:31:00.000-07:00

Super King Awesome, whose full name is roughly translated from the Latin as Terrifying Lizard(!!): Super King Awesome (in the true style of any Megaman boss) is no ordinary dinosaur. It's well known that there is a reptilian race of superbeings hiding at the center of the earth that we understand to be called dinosaurs. It is ALSO well known that they are martialing their power even as we speak, getting ready to overthrow the human race.

So how could a dinosaur become the hero to a world in peril, you ask? Well the answer is really quite simple. Super King Awesome is a dino-SUBVERSIVE, a secret agent working inside the confines of the dino-race for the protection of humankind. His task is a hard one. Much like the FBI Agent on an undercover drug sting, the very humans that Super King is working to save know him as nothing but a traitor. It's a path he must walk alone, but deep in the recesses of his cold blooded heart he knows that what he does is right.

Also, he was enticed by the 'shiny rocks' offered to him by the erstwhile Emperor during their daring escape. But this will all by told in time...

After no less than four attempts at creating what I consider the 'dino-perfect' super character, my militant lizard is born. Oblivion does not make the task of character creation very easy for obsessive-compulsive people like me. You're offered scores of options having to do with everything from the size of your character's nostrils to the amount of blush in their cheeks. This is all well and good when you're slinging mud together in the rough form of a human being, but the dinosaur race is a proud one and most sliders will produce an eerie glow of a creature bathed in phosphorus. This is not right!!

Noooooot exactly a face well suited for stealth. Handy for midnight bathroom breaks, though.

The four half-hour sessions of me tooling around with dozens of sliding bars produced what you see below. He's not as green as a true dinosaurian would be... but my excuse is his long exile from the dinosaur kingdom has dulled his once lustrous coat. Also it made him have those skanky fins on the back of his head instead of the stately domed ridge of the Triceratops as we'd all rightly prefer. Some day, Super King, some day.

The face of your new leaders. Tremble, and cry and stuff.

When Super King awakens from his slumber he finds himself locked in a cell, alone, no doubt placed here by the treachery of the very humans he swore to protect, also... Super King has a penchant for dino-hookers and that might have something to do with it. They'll regret that, he swears in his reptilian tongue, mutely considering a rebellion against his captors we have unjustly imprisoned him in this cantankerous cell. Almost as if on cue Super King is forced back to consciousness by the racist jeering of his next door neighbor, an irascible fellow who appears to be of Dark Elven descent. Super King will have none of this, and quickly raises his claws for a battle.

But there's no time!! Voices are heard down the hall and our hero attempts to quiet himself in order to maintain some semblance of legality. Though rage burns in his heart, he knows the only way out of this situation may be to kow-tow to the apes and try to explain his situation. Already he's given no quarter, the guards shuffle their precious Emperor through the filth of the prison while Super King makes his groaning plea for fairity. Humans! Your sexual hangups and taboos are not applicable in the dinosaur kingdom! A rude Redguard adorned in regal armor forces him into a corner. Super King has had about enough of this, and prepares himself again for a fight!

Guard or no guard, nobody calls me a wetback!

Again his complaints are silenced, almost before he can react the guards have pressed a stone on the wall and revealed a secret passage into the tunnels under the castle. Curses!! The sole brick he neglected in his search! Super King takes only a moment to reflect on his weakening Dino-Secret Agent training before disregarding the warning of the guards not to follow them. Hold your tongue, human, my escape attempt will be hindered by no one!

Super King sticks close to the shadows, staying low and out of sight so as not to attract the attention of the heavily armed guards. Soon he'll make his move and these humans will pay. But again his intentions are cut to the quick, the Emperor is besieged by armor-clad assassins who seem to appear from the very shadows! Thinking that his assistance in this matter will look good to the medieval parole board, Super King leaps to the rescue. With all the rage a dinosaur can muster (which is quite a bit) he fells two of the foul traitors with his bare hands, but not before the captain of the guard, a cute lady-type, is slain in the process. Super King would never admit it in public, but he can be down with a little primate lovin' from time to time.

Oh, guard lady, we hardly knew ye.

This proves to be a blessing in disguise, and from her corpse Super King is able to scavenge a rather fetching katana. Now he'll be able to act out all those prison day dreams of mincing his captors to bits just like a true Samurai!! Unfortunately he is not able to get similar usability out of the burnished armor carried by the assassins. It appears that upon slaying them the bewitched plate explodes into red mist. Super King dons their robes in an attempt to resurrect the strange enchantments, but their bewitchings are far beyond his comprehension. He keeps the robes anyway, because they make him look stylin'. And if there's one thing a dinosaur knows how to do it's look gooooooooood.

Correction: stylin' AND profilin'.

As if attracted by the very aura of fashion that our hero exudes, rabid animals come calling. The guards have already moved on, ignoring Super King's plight as callously as is to be expected from a group of knuckledraggers. Double curses!! Rats! A dinosaur's most hated foe!*

*Actually, most dinosaurs consider 90-95% of the world's species to be their 'most hated foe' in varying degrees of emotion. Rats just happened to be the most convenient "hated foe" at the moment, though they only edged out the dirty apes by a very slim margin. For reference, the other 5-10% of species are just -really- hated foes. Dinosaurs aren't exactly a friendly people.

Continuing through the passage, Super King finds he's lost the scent of the escaping monarch and has to dig his own path through a broken wall and into the decrepit tunnels. Not long after his entrance he's able to supplement his sweet robe with a set of "barely used" leather armor off the corpse of a certainly-not-foreboding skeleton. Super King hisses in delight as he 'pops the collar' on his hood. Now with his new digs he's ready to face any foe, and no longer fears retribution from the rat colonies that are certainly mounting their counterattack. His forked tongue snakes eagerly across his lips, thirsty for the spilt rodent ichor. The overeager warrior crams a hunk of meat purloined from the corpse of one of the rats into his jaws, but the results are less than satisfying, and leaves him feeling dizzy and not a whole lot else. Note to self: in the future avoid uncooked meat cut from rabid animals.

See? We're learning already!

Apparently skeletons don't believe in anything remotely resembling pants. King Awesome's scaly red bottom is exposed for the world to see. How shameful!

Super King has no desire to be seen in subpar duds, though, and his wish is granted. Light armor never was his style, and just around the corner he comes upon a cache of more masculine wear. Leave those horrid cow-armors to females and the sissy pointy ears. Any true dinosaur wouldn't be caught in anything less than the forged rock of the earth. It's not perfect, but the iron plating he scavenges from a defeated clutch of rats will prove fitting gear until he can scrounge up some protection befitting a member of his race. He only hopes to avoid contact with other Saurians. Oh how they'd laugh if they saw him in this condition!

It's not exactly fit for a king, but given the circumstances...

Not much further down the road, Super King finds another traveler beset by the rat menace. His good nature swells to the surface (also at this distance he can't tell whether it's a cute chick or not) and our hero leaps into the fray, cutting vermin down with the practised ease that days of practice alone in his cell inured in him. By the time he notices his companion isn't all that he seems it's too almost too late to defend himself.

That's no woman! Triple curses!! The walking dead!

A flurry of less-clean swipes downs the traitorous zombie and Super King examines himself for teeth marks, cursing his fate and decrying how hard it is to find a cute girl these days. But on to the matter at hand... the last thing he needs is to be transmogrified into one of the walking dead in this disgusting heap. What causes these humans to occupy these filthy holes is beyond him, but through the stench he knows he can smell fresh air just around the bend!

Apparently Super King's nose is confused from years of imprisonment. What he finds instead is a quaint little mid-cave restaurant. The parched dino takes a seat, excited for his very first taste of freedom. And maybe a fine aged scotch to pass the time. His tail twitches in excitement. Finally some signs of civilization!

My word! The service here is atrocious!

The breeze through the tunnels brings the strange stench closer to his nares. And upon further inspection...

What would the board of health have to say about this?!

Trying to force the dino-bile down his throat, Super King plods on through the tunnels, hearing gibbering voices that he presumes belong to the owners of the little roadside cafe. Goblins!! He should've known! What other race offers such embarrassing customer care (and also eats rat?) Not one to take poor service sitting down, Super King quickly forms a plan into action that any A-Team member (except Murdock) would be proud of. A pile of logs sits there, ripe for the pushing.

Even Admiral Ackbar would agree!

Next time I want free refills on my coffee!

In the grim aftermath Super King is able to scavenge all sorts of cool and interesting items from the corpses, and the corpses of many goblins to follow. And to the victor goes the spoils! In a nearby chest our dinosaur discovers what might just become the next big fashion trend...

Ce chic?

His newfound obsession is short lived, though, as a magical burst causes him to rethink his disposition on hunter green shirts vis-a-vis a rat and goblin infested dungeon. Turning to the source of the problem, the valiant Super King recoils in horror. Oh brazen youth, you've failed me! Invoking the name of Admiral Ackbar, the lamest of all internet trends, has resulted in a terrifying rip in space-time. Out of the mold comes the Emperor Palpatine, full of hate after his inability to kill/convert Luke Skywalker on many occasions. Now his bloodlust searches for dino-victims!

You get it? Right? Yeah... you get it.
Is Star Wars still funny...?

It is a brutal and hardfought battle, mostly because I'm only just now learning that you have to hold the button down when you want to shoot arrows at someone, so most of them just end up eating dirt while fireballs rain down upon me. It's lucky that I have a mastery of the healing arts and in the end Super King is victorious and claims his prize, a rather heavy staff with a curiously large gold value. How exciting!! But even more exciting are the voices he hears in the distance. Super King sneaks forward, stalking his prey like his ancient dino-ancestors might have. He finds a high ledge on which to observe these new denizens of the deep. And what is this? Why, it's the Emperor's (the OTHER Emperor's) party, still trying in vain to escape this place. Looks like they might need a hand...

Or an arrow in the fanny for being such jerks...

Let's find out!

I promise, no more Ackbar after this. For reals!!

Before Super King can deliver his pure and righteous retribution, the assassins are at it again. Uriel barely has the time to ask some ridiculous question about what sign Super King was born under (here's a hint: It's the one that makes you AWESOME) before being bowled over by a sneaky surprise attack.

Hey guys! Did I miss the party?!

With his last breath he bequeaths unto me the ancient relic of his family, an amulet with a WHOPPING big jewel. Or... at least that's the story I'm telling the guards. I deny all allegations that I had anything to do in the matter of the Emperor's bizarre demise.

In a strange change of mood the attitude of the guard changes from racist and distrustful to 'Yo guy! Would you mind saving the world for us? You can keep the amulet!' to which point I'm all like 'Aw heeeeell no. I just wanna get me a dino-prostitute and throw some dice at the dino-casino!' Well guardy isn't buying it I guess, and after a brief primer on my chosen class (I don't hesitate in giving my custom class the best name in the world: Super Poo, because I am the pinnacle of maturity) he slaps me on my ass and sends me on my way. WITH THE AMULET.

Idiot! Though he is bright enough to steal my sweet-ass Katana, claiming it was 'on loan' or some such nonsense. I keep forgetting to drop it when I get this point and I REALLY want to see if I can sneak it past the guards. Then again... it can't be -that- great if a girl was wielding it so whatever. I have a hard enough time being as awesome as I am already, I don't need to be even SWEETER by adding ancient Eastern fighting blades to my repetoire. All good things in time. My Stength value isn't high enough to carry my cool factor as is.

Well, not my cool factor AND all those hunks of rat meat, anyway. And a fella's gotta eat.

It's not that much further until the mouth of the tunnel, the alluring taste of fresh air driving young Super King on. It's almost a shame, if the Emperor hadn't wussied out like twenty feet from the exit he might still be alive today... and I wouldn't be intending to pawn his amulet at the first shop I see.

Probably...

No wait, probably not... it's just more convenient for ME this way.

FREEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Tune in next week, kids!