Twelfth Step: Genocide, Betrayal, and the Hand of the Pimp

Super King is riding high as a kite, surfeit with the magical items that denote a job well done in the Dark Brotherhood. We're really starting to like these quests, considering they actually involve fun things like dropping moose heads on nobles and tricking nobles to kill other nobles.

Basically, we really like killing nobles. The magic items that come with a perfectly executed contract are just gravy.

For our next run, the rather sultry argument guild leader ships us out to Leyawin, that bastion of racial prejudice. I guess someone doesn't really care for a leader of the guard who just got transferred there. Our job is to kill him and, and this is the really good part, take his finger and stick it in the desk of his successor. It sort of applies new meaning to the phrase "giving the finger" to someone, if you know what I mean. And I think you do!


The Leyawin guards certainly have strange sleeping practices...

After being alternatively arrested/asked to leave while caught snooping around the guard house we decide that we need to change plans. The guild leader saw fit to give to us a special arrow that would kill anyone in a single blow, provided the target wasn't wearing any armor to protect him... we need to find this guardsman at a time when he was wholly unarmored. We thought that catching him in one of the giant man-on-man orgies that goes on in the guardhouse would be perfect, but apparently he likes a bit of the rough-n'-tumble and even in bed he's arraigned in full metal gear.

A change of plans is in order.


Stealth clothes, for sneaking!


No, even Super King still cannot make the Grey Fox hood look good.

A locked door gives us hope, and Super King decides to try out some of his newly earned magical spells on it. While the Alteration spell that involves opening locks is much too weak for even a set of tumblers described as 'Average', the curious ability to actually earn skill levels without successfully completing a spell is rather appealing. I leave the 'Cast' button weighted down by a very respectable hammer and head out for a night of drinking. When I return, Super King has advanced rapidly through the ranks of Alteration. This bears further inquiry...


P-KOW! P-KOW! P-KOW! SKILL UP!

But, even in my hazy state, I am able to perceive a distant splashing. The sounds of merriment in the night hours fill Super King's fanned ears. He snarls with the weight of a thousand tons. Human beings having fun is so... irritating! Don't they know that only dinosaurs are allowed to have fun? Hey, humie, don't you have a field of corn in which to backbreakingly toil in?

I wish you did... then we could steal some more corn. Lord knows the one bad thing about the brotherhood is there isn't nearly enough corn stealing.


Hey, wait a minute! Who are you...?

It's the target!! Well, a more convenient opportunity could never be asked for. He is dispatched with the standard amount of prejudice that dinosaurs account to human victims (i.e.: all of it) and another contract is well and truly completed.


I love this job.

After depositing the finger in the desk, I return to the Brotherhood HQ to retrieve my reward and get my next contract. For some reason Super King is getting some serious glances his way. Now, from the sexy Argonian with the pink skin that's just to be expected. Last we checked, he was a pretty hot dude. When it's the creepy Orc that likes bashing skulls it's a different story... it's not until we retrieve our next mission (go talk to Lucien Lachance) and have already left that we realize our mistake. The cool breeze against Super King's legs signals the problem right away.

We forgot to put our pants back on...


Ooops... AWKWARD!

We redress and continue onwards, blushing like the dickens and glad that the faux pas was confined to super hot dinosaur chicks and a whole bunch of other people Super King could slay merely by staring deep into their souls with his slitted dino-eyes. Okay Super King, it's cool. It's totally cool man, go see what Lachance wants and then we'll commit our ethnic cleansing of the Dark Brotherhood. Nobody has to know! Nobody has to know!!


Apparently Lucien mostly wanted his undead servants to fill me with arrows. Uncool, man, uncool.

Super King is about to ask why coming to see Lucien has to involve wading through an army of the undead, but such things are better left for later. Lachance interrupts him, and it's like the two were fated to meet. Kismet, even! The words that exit his mouth are like the drippings of ambrosia from Mount Olympus.


Dude. It's totally like we're on the same wavelength.

But wait... do I have to kill the hot ones too?

Yes, yes you do...

Deciding, for once, to put advancement before hothothot sex, Super King listens along to what Lachance has to say... sort of. He's already devising a million different ways to kill the Orc, 90% of which involve sticking his head in a trashcan and booting him down a hill. He's not really sure where he's going to go from there, but I defy you to think of a more HILARIOUS way to kill someone.

Also, poisoned Lemmings. Fun for the whole family!

We head back to the guild. Lucien suggested we do a whole bunch of stuff like put poisoned apples out for people to eat, but it seems that our hand-eye co-ordination isn't exactly all it's cracked up to be, and most of the apples just end up rolling off the plate and onto the floor. And Super King would feel bad if he made someone eat a dirty apple, poisoned or not. It's not until much later, after the deed is done, that we realize we could've just stuck them in a closet and been done with it. Now we have a score of poison apples and nobody to kill with them!!

Super King mulls over sticking them in various Fighter's Guilds around the county... but he gets the feeling that Oreyn would probably yell at him if he did. Man, Oreyn is such a pain in the ass.

Okay, it's back to the tried and true method.


I would feel bad about this, but, y'know... I don't.


Hey guy! How's tricks?

Killing the Orc is especially sweet. Sometime since Super King last left the guild he's tricked himself out with a rather fetching set of Daedric armor. Well we just HAVE to have that.


It's not really as fashion-conscious as the ebony set, but it'll do...

Back at Lachance we're congratulated and given a shiny new, unkillable horse! That... I was never able to find. I even killed my old horse, the one that stupid monk gave me, but to no avail. Shadowmere is out there somewhere, Super King knows it, but damn if he's ever been able to find her. That's cool, who really wants to ride a cursed undead horse from beyond space anyway?


All in a day's work, homey.

We get too ahead of ourselves, though, in asking Lachance for contracts. He informs us that we won't be speaking for a long time, instead Super King will receive his orders from a serious of dead drops, notes left in things like trees and barrels. I'm not really clear on how this is a particularly safe endeavor. If there's even a single person in the world like me, there's someone out there that STILL isn't bored of checking every single barrel for tomatoes and wheels of cheese. Someone's bound to stumble on some of these notes...

Lachance won't hear of it, though, and sends me off to do my thing. I get to kill a whole family! Now that's hot stuff.


Wow... this is totally gonna be awkward when I come back later...


Wake up buddy, I got your present!


Matthais Draconis sets the land-speed record for fasted armor change!

Okay. So we do this quest. Then what follows is a series of excessively boring quests that act like the REST of the quests in Oblivion. We're told to go kill something, then receive a pittance of gold for my efforts. No magical items, no more undead horses, and it feels like a YEAR since we last dropped a moose head on a noble. Uncool, man, what happened?

So it takes us about three hours to get through that waste of time...

Lucien approaches us after about the fifth one and tells me exactly what happened. The dead drops have been comprimised, and We've been killing the high ranking members of the Dark Brotherhood. 'Well nuts to them!' says Super King, 'they went out like total wussies anyway!'

Lucien doesn't want to hear it, I guess it's something sissy about his "life being on the line" or some bullcrap. Super King is entreatied to go track down the inside mole, who apparently was not among those slain in the Cheydinhal guild. Our dinosaur about has an embolism when he hears this. You made me kill that hot dino-chicky for NOTHING?!

Whatever, there will be more girls. With half the guild dead this seems like ample opportunity for advancement. Our investigation leads us to a basement apartment in a lighthouse near Anvil. It's stuffed to the brim with rotting corpses, dogs and humans. 'God!' bemoans Super King 'Humans never know how to clean up when they're expecting guests!'

In the filth and decay lies a solitary book. Its contents are... interesting, to say the least.


Oh... well... huh. Wasn't expecting that one.

We hurry to Lucien's hiding spot to inform him of the good news, but it seems we dallied just a little too long...

You bastards!! You killed Lucien!! WHY?!


I... I'm sorry, what was that?

The appraisal of his new position in middle management elicits only one response from Super King 'Lucien? Lucien WHO?'


Ah, yeah... sorry about that one, bro...


I know what SOMEONE's getting at the office Christmas party!

So, I guess somewhere in the scuffle back during the dead drops we killed the Number #1 leader in the Dark Brotherhood. That's unfortunate, because according to my calculations killing the Number #1 leader should make US the Number #1 leader. Apparently that chick who granted us our title disagrees, I blame affirmative action. You shouldn't be allowed to promote a girl just because she's a girl! There was a candidate who was TOTALLY more suited for the position of 'guy who tells people who to kill'!

ME!

Super King is more than a little incensed, but he decides to follow the crew to their little pow-wow at the state anyway. He was just gonna grab a couple beers with Lucien tonight anyway, and, for obvious reasons, those plans have sort of fallen through.


You guys go ahead and do your crazy rain dance, I'mma just wait over here.

Their ritual is not for naught (say that ten times fast!). A few choice words of prayer and the statue opens, leading down to an ancient crypt...


Ghost chick, natch.

Before Super King even has the chance to react a commotion breaks out behind him. One of those fruits in the long robes thinks he's gonna take out the ghost girl.


Listen, bro, I don't know if you know this but... it's sort of hard to kill a spirit from beyond the grave...

He slays a few of his Brotherhood companions with ease, but the rest of the fight involves him hacking against the ghost chick with his pathetic dagger until Super King gets bored and clobbers him over the head with his sword. Goodnight, lamer! That's for writing that creepy journal!!


Lady, there are about twenty things I take exception to in that sentence.

Apparently the whole thing was like some sort of cosmic job application and the ghost chick (who is, apparently, the Night Mother) confers upon Super King the title of 'Listener', which is like being a Guild Master but instead of hiring recruits you get to totally kill people for no reason. She knew from the start that Super King had the world's strongest "Pimp Hand" and that no woman could ever seek to rise above him in status. Why, that would be like the water rising above the air!

The girl first-in-command is disappointed at her loss of status, but Super King suggests she go back into the kitchen and start making bread (or alternatively, babies) and she seems to take to the suggestion with a fair bit of aplomb.


You dang right lady. The pimp hand is strong with this one.

Come to think of it... she's got a cute butt.

Eleventh Step: Discourtesy, Racial Equality (at last!), and Sweet, Sweet Revenge

Thinking that nobody would dare wake the guildmaster in his own 'hood, Super King sleeps soundly... until!


Well. That's a very odd thing to say...

It's an emissary of the Dark Brotherhood! Guess he saw when we totally trashed all those guards in the pursuit of the Elder Scroll for Senor Gray Fox. Yeah, that was TOTALLY WORTH IT.


I don't find your candor all that appealing, sir.

Stalky McStalker doesn't seem to want to answer -how- people saw me and Super King laying waste to all those mean ole guards, he's too busy wrapped up in his own little speech. Curses! People in black robes never give you a chance to get a word in edgewise!


I'm not really clear where you're trying to go with this analogy...

I guess Mr. Dark Robes tends to get wrapped up in his speeches. I keep raising a finger to tell him we've got unsuspected visitors, but he was too busy talking about sucking goat blood out of some chicky's teat. Not really my style, but hey, a job's a job.


Sooooooooo... whatcha guys talkin' about?

Just like the elf chick from the Thieves Guild in the last episode, Lucien shows us that the NPCs in this game show a certain lack of discretion when entering conversations about sensitive topics. Super King is sure to cold-cock the Fighter's Guild Porter in the back of the head, to ensure that he doesn't talk about our little chat to the other members. I'm pretty sure I won't get in trouble for this because I'm the guild member, and also because he's not a named character. Those lackwits and their repetitive dialogue are practically BEGGING to be smashed into bits.

On the beaten trail towards the Inn of Ill Omen where our first murder target awaits, Super King and I decide that this mission calls for a little something I like to call STEALTH ACTION!


On second though... this kind of emphasizes my overbite...


Sneak sneak sneak.

The innkeeper is only too happy to tell us where Rufio is, living in the basement all by himself. Though the concept of avoiding innocent bystanders doesn't usually factor into Super King's M.O., there's really no point damaging our sword on pointless badguys.


Hey guy! What's happenin'?

Rufio and SK have a nice chat about the plusses and minuses of living in a dungeon before the dinosaur remembers what his mission was. Oh right! We're supposed to ruthlessly slaughter you! Here, hold still.


Well, that was fun.

Who would've thought killing old men was so easy. Do we sense a new career in this?

Not really. His supply of quill pens and linen shirts is pretty lackluster, and we all know that's the only thing worth stealing these days.

Anyway, as instructed, we go back to sleep and await further orders... IN THE BED NEXT TO THE MAN WE MURDERED!

Super King thinks the risk to his safety, sleeping next to a freshly murdered corpse and all, is worth it. Lucien'll will totally respect his ironic stylings!


Dude. I'm sleeping in Rufio's bed! You didn't even notice...

Who says romance is dead?

Lucien tells Super King that he's now part of a new family. A TOTALLY AWESOME family that goes around killing people for no reason at all. -This- is my kind of guild!

...I don't have to steal any quill pens, do I? 'cause I'm sort of not down with that anymore.

Apparently the guild has been right under our nose in Cheydinhal this whole time and we never knew. I blame that Fighter's Guild Orc is his foppish stylings!

Into the basement of the abandoned house we go!!


On second thought...

Entering the door is simpler than it looks, though Super King's underdeveloped brain fears the ancient tribal blood rituals that may have created this door.

Super King's also deathly afraid of cameras, because they might steal his soul. Don't tell him I told you that, he's a little shy about it.


A dino-guildmaster, I like this family more and more all the time!


A little creepy, sure. But still feeling it.


Maybe a little too excited for my first time here, dude, but still... another Argonian! Nice to meet you!

Things aren't all roses, though.


Oh great. MORE ORCS. JUST WHAT I WANTED.

Around the bend it gets even better...


Guy, if I didn't hate pirates so much I'd punch your pursed lips right through the back of your bizarrely deformed head.

We gotta go aaaaaaaaall the way back to the Imperial City to gank this grog-swiller, but it's okay. Vincente, the friendly vampire with the silken tongue (and silken undies, presumably) suggests that we get awesome bonuses if we do the job in silly ways. For example, we get to climb into a crate in this one and sneak onboard. Nice!


...you gonna be using that crate, bro?

Turns out the Redguard wasn't using the crate. Between that and the compliment to his pants, Super King was starting to feel pretty good about himself. It was a simple matter to sneak into the captain's cabin.


Awww, poor baby tuckered himself out. Shivered too many timbers didja?

Super King forgets a few of the basic tenants of stealth in the process, though, and manages to make quite the dino-ruckus while executing his target with extreme prejudice. This brings the ire of the rest of the pirates.

Unfortunately for them, they're not smart enough to avoid announcing when they're coming through the door. Their mistake!


I wish ALL my enemies announced when they were coming in a loud voice!
...oh wait... they already do...

The jobs continue like that in totally awesome ways. For example, the next job requires us to drop a moose head on some loser noble in that Nord town where all the loser Nords live. 'make it look like an accident', in the parlance of our times. Super King cracks that sucker in the head and leaves his butler stumbling around wondering what happened. Apparently moose heads don't fall out of the sky every day!


Boss... boss... you okay?

I'm really starting to like this game again!

Vincente is pretty pleased with Super King's progress... I'm not really pleased with his double talk, though.


Seriously dude, what is that... like a triple negative?

The next mission is especially exciting. Remember that Dark Elf from the beginning of the game that made fun of us and called us names?

We totally get to gank him.

YES!


Vincente, the only key you're holding right now is the ONE TO MY HEART!

You would not believe how excited Super King is right now. YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE ME EVEN IF I TOLD YOU!!


Alright chums, thumbs up, let's do this.


Oh, right, rodentia. Yay...

The guards don't seem happy with their post, guarding what is apparently the only criminal in all of Imperial City. I guess Citizens of Cyrodiil live in an advanced society where nobody but non-humans commit crimes.


The irony!

Goddang racists. Gonna be fun slaughtering all of 'em.

Except I can't... I don't get my sweet mission bonus if I let the guards know I'm here. Time for some serious Metal Gear Solid action, thanks to the... GREY FOX HOOD!


Shine purple as hard as you want, bro. It ain't gonna save you.

As soon as the guard leaves Super King SPRINGS INTO ACTION!


Uh, yeah, about that. Remember when you called me a bug eating man-molester...?

Dreth doesn't get another word out. And then it's back to the guild for another quest! We're contracted to 'fake' kill some honky named Mortierre, the guy apparently got himself in trouble with the local debtors and now he needs us murder-types to clean up his mess for him.

Super King informs Vincente that he's not really comfortable with the idea of NOT killing someone, but we're not really high enough in the pecking order to pick and choose our missions... so off to Mortierre we go.


The concept of not killing is a crime against the very fiber of my being.

After disposing of that little wussy Mortierre, we're given a promotion. No longer are we forced to deal with the limp-wristed Vincente. It's all Argonians from now on! And Ocheeva, the sultry guildmistress, does not disappoint. She sends us right out into the fray, on a mission ripped directly from an Agatha Christie novel. We have to kill five party guests in a locked house while sowing the seeds of distrust among them. They think they're looking for buried treasure, but all they're gonna find is the swift taste of Super King's mighty saber!


Seriously lady. I have been waiting my whole life to meet you.

This calls for some special gear. We need to put on our Sunday best!


I DEFY you to tell me this doesn't look good.

The butler, who's in on the whole thing, meets me outside with some A+ information.


I don't know who you are, homey, but you and my mother got NOTHIN' in common.

Inside we've got a fine selection of humans to explode and maim at will. No Argonians, thankfully, we would've felt bad killing our own people. Nords, though, they smell so bad it's practically a death sentence already! I'm doing them a favor!


Totally unrelated note, but... do you have this maid's number?

A few sword swings in private places later and most of the party is demolished beyond recognition. I was hoping this would lead to panic, and possibly the breaking of all windows in a futile attempt to escape, but we're not so lucky. Mostly they just hang around being bored.


Dude! Like three of your friends are dead!
...if you were to die suddenly, and I'm TOTALLY not saying you were... could I have your mead?

When it's just the smarmy young noble and the old hag left I decide to have a little fun toying with their emotions... but the noble beats me to the punch. I'm not sure what convinced him that the scary dinosaur was his best friend, or that the old hag was capable of murdering a slew of able bodied young men, but whatever.


Yeah, let's get her dude!

Super King watches the struggle with some amusement. A young fop versus an old lady, both with no real appreciable combat experience, makes for a pretty enjoyable floor show. But all good things must come to an end, and our dinosaur buddy cleans up the last straw, young Primo, and calls it a day.


You know, it's true what they say. There really isn't anything like a job well done.

Tenth Step: Poor Thievery, AWESOME RACIST ACTION, and The Grey Fox Wastes Everyone's Time

When last we left our intrepid dino, he was knee-deep in Elder Gods from beyond the grave. Having had his fill of statues for the moment, Super King returns to town to see if the Thieves Guild is still surviving without his continual input of cheese wheels and silver forks.


Oh, well... this is a little awkward.

Foils and double foils!! The goon squad is on the case of the poor Christophe, already suffering from genetic abnormalities and now he's forced to endure their torturous jeering. Well, Super King won't stand for this. He might be a dirty humie, but he's still worthwhile!

At least... until we become guild master here too and from there he can just straight take a hike, whatever.

A former competitor for the Thieves Guild approaches me not long after, telling me the sorry tale of betrayal. Damn you, an inside man!


You know, woman, I outrank you... you're a girl.

Super King is more curious about how she's moved up in rank so fast, considering she joined the guild AFTER him. He ponders this... perhaps she knows where all the REALLY good silverware and ink wells are. Unfortunately, it will have to wait until a later date. We have eyes on us!


Once again. Awkward.

Apparently Methredel has very poor depth perception, and it takes Super King quite the act of finegaling before he's able to convince the guard that they were indeed NOT talking about the bust he stole, nor were they talking about the poor mutant, Armand Christophe. Instead, the guard goes away convinced that dinosaurs are amongst the worlds greatest culinary masters, and that nice green lizard was simply telling his Elfen friend with the cute butt his recipe for Simmerin' Scallops and Scallions.

The guard has little time to mull over the combination of seafood and onions, as the next thing that enters his mind is Super King's broadsword.

Super King, forgetting his sworn oath to the guild not to draw blood while on a mission, incurs another thousand dollar fine. Oh well.

When the guard has been summarily dumped into the water Super King is already hot on the trail of the traitorous guild member, and through a combination of subterfuge and KARATE SKILLS he manages to sneak the pilfered bust into her cupboard, then strolls outside to put on his most innocent act to the captain of the guard, who just so happens to be patrolling around right outside.


Go get 'im, tiger!


Once again, awkward. I really should go.

After Heironymous straight jacks the traitor, who just so happened to be his spy so don't even ask me how that makes sense, Super King is free to go about his business and Armand Christophe can come out of hiding, play in the sun, and eat pop-tarts. Whatever it is retarded kids do, you know? Meanwhile, we've got another job to do! Seems a nice cat-lady in Leyawin has lost her ring and now she wants it back.

Some complications arise...


Yo lady. I KNOW you did not just step to my Argonian brother from another mother.

The conversation does not improve with time.


Oh HELL no! What did you just say?

Okay. So the thief that stole her ring, he's in jail and he wasn't a member of the guild so nobody wants to help him. Well I'M gonna help him, because Argonians can't be letting their peoples down, not even when there's guild advancement on the line!

Well, actually, Super King would totally do that. He's just not gonna because he's not particularly worried about losing his guild advancement. Worse comes to worse he kills the cat-lady, denies ever meeting her, and gets a pretty sweet fur coat out of the deal.

SCREW THAT! We'll just do it that way!!

Okay, many reloads later, we realize we can indeed NOT do it that way. Back to the normal game...


Dude. Why is everyone in this town a dick?

The castle appears to be relatively unguarded, though, and the sole jailer is easily bribed with something in the range of ten gold pieces. Considering Super King and I now have something like twenty grand in our possession (despite all the murder fines), we can do nothing but pity the poor guard whose world is so small that ten bucks seems like a wealth of gold. Sucker!

According to the dinosaur-buddy in the cell, the Lady of the castle took that ring back and now we have to take it back from her. The Argonian thanks Super King with the traditional 'fist pound/backwards head nod' combination, a word doesn't need to be spoken among brothers.

Quickly, to the castle!!


Ominous.


Nice digs, for a sucker-fool racist Queen.


Look, I'm the Queen! I hate Argonians! I am required by law to have a stick shoved into my butt at all times!

Okay, okay. Enough fun.

Unable to find anything in the way of secret passages, we turn to the local beggar population. Finding an Arognian in a rather sorry state of affairs, Super King clicks his mouse button over the 'donate 1 gold' button until his fingers get tired, then presses the man for information, to which he has the nerve to ask for more cash! Well, okay... but you better hook me up with some serious info.


Oh, great. Good day to be a dinosaur.

We're told to ask the head handmaiden of the castle for more info, but both me and Super King are starting to have second thoughts about this job.


EVEN BETTER! I TOTALLY WANNA GO IN THERE NOW!

There's secret passages and junk, great. Totally what I want to do. Secret passages where they torture unsuspecting dinosaurs. GOOD DEAL!

But hey, a job's a job.


Now, if I was a secret passage... where would I be?


Oh. Well that wasn't so hard.

Apparently human castle engineers have a tenuous grasp of the concept behind the word 'secret'.

The passage winds on and on, picking up a trail of blood as we go. Somewhere in the middle there's a fun little sight.


Yay. So feeling better about being in here right now.

Super King is starting to feel less and less good about this job, and for a brief moment he runs through the kind of trouble he'll get in if he just outright slices up the lady of the castle and makes a run for it while simultaneously spewing white hot poopy in his britches.

We got the ring, and the Argonian homey made it, so don't feel bad.

However, the britches have seen better days.

Back in the Imperial City, things are as boring as ever...


Actually, it's really not as hard as you'd think. That "Nocturnal" lady seems to have a couple screws loose.
Also, the chick's a totally immobile statue. That might help.

Word on the streets is we're stealing a staff from some mage dude. Nobody thinks to inform me as to WHY we're doing this, but I guess that's why Super King's just a Thieves Guild member and not a SUPER AWESOME BADASS LEADER GUY (yet). They just haven't given him time to blossom.


Mages Guild. Eerie.

We got the staff and trucked through a boring mission. Then we trucked through another boring mission, and then ANOTHER, and then eventually the Grey Fox was all like 'Yo dude, wanna steal an Elder Scroll?' and I was like 'No thanks dude, I already got the game! It's only $50, you should pick it up!' and he was like 'No dood, the Elder Scrolls are what the games were named after!' and I was all like 'What?' because I was so busy stealing all his silverware when he wasn't looking.

I don't think he minded, but he did make me go on ANOTHER boring mission. With ghosts.


Seriously, guy, seriously. I don't do ghosts.


Gee, I wonder if these statues are gonna come alive.

They did.


Really, really. No more ghosts.


Zombies are okay, though!

This is where the really interesting stuff starts. Eventually I get bored of hacking into every single zombie the entire planet of Cyrodiil has to offer and just ran through the whole catacombs. When we reached the surface we were in for quite a shock. Apparently the guards don't take too kindly to being woken up by sneaky dinosaurs in shiny armors.


No, no. Not kindly. Not kindly at all.

The game has, at this point, decided that not being in sneak mode upon enterting the castle alerts all the guards to my position. Having forty castle guards and a bunch of blind kung-fu monks on your ass is not as fun as it sounds, even if they are all hot chicks.

PS: They're not all hot chicks.


Always time for a sit-down.


Blind monks are such suckers. Hey, look, I'm right behind you!
Oh... was that rude?

Apparently the plan is to sit down and pretend I'm some Noble chick and the blind monks will hook me up with the Elder Scroll, whatever that is. While the monks aren't particularly observant, the guards are clanking around outside the door and raising hell, they won't give the scroll up all the same.

Clearly there's only one solution.

Genocide.


Oops. I may've jumped into the genocide thing a bit hastily.


Pay careful attention to the guards attacking each other in the background.
Yeah, I don't get it either.

Eventually, the dirty deed was done. Super King didn't exactly feel bad about it, but killing off the entire squadron of palace guards does take a bit out of one's constitution.


Hey buddy, which way to the Elder Scroll department?
...buddy?

The monks are still totally not into it! In fact, now they're outright attacking me! Totally uncool!!


Kung-fu monks still lack one crucial ability: THE ABILITY TO SEE ME.

Super King spends a few precious moments whistling in one room and running into another, just to get the monk's goat. When he gets bored of that, and it becomes clear that those jerk-off monks are gonna be permanently on alert and are clearly never gonna give up the good stuff he turns to another one of his myriad of talents:

Cheating.


Thank you console commands!

Returning to Gray Fox, I find that my mission is far from over. Great.


It's a beautiful thing, how 'Thieves Guild Member' essentially translates into 'Gopher for some jerk in a crappy hood'.

But I'll do it, just because I'm tired of dealing with your flim-flammery. I step outside and poor Super King gets yet another rude awakening call, much in the same manner as last episode back: an arrow in the back of the head.


Uncool, man! Uncool!

It's a sad state of affairs for the guards that they forgot I had KICKASS KUNGFU KARATE POWERS. My next moves involve a series of vaults and twirls that would leave any many jealous.


Leap! Leap to your freedom Super King!

FINALLY we get back to the stupid Anvil town, and tell the stupid countess the stupid message from stupid Grey Fox and it turns out he was WAITING OUTSIDE ANYWAY. Great. Jerk.


So thanks, that was a total was of time, huh?

I guess the Cowl of the Grey Fox does some magic thing that obscures your identity, and we needed the scroll to bear the spell and blah blah blah blah I'm the guild leader now and Super King gets the cowl and becoming Guild Leader is basically meaningless and gives me NOTHING except a guild hall in which thieves gather, theoretically that means the various guild resellers are more available in a single location, but it really doesn't.

End result: I get screwed, again. Being a guild leader totally sucks. I head on over to the local guild in Anvil to take a nap.

Ninth Step: Don't Do Drugs, Stealing from the Stealers, and A Very Special Meeting with Statue Lady

Things finally get exciting.


High-five, Oreyn! Let's do it!

I knew my formative years of playing Metal Gear Solid wouldn't go to waste! Let's do this thing!

I arrive back in the town of Leyawin, home of unbridled racism and other scary stuff. But Super King has fear? A thousand times no! We're here on a mission.



A more wretched hive of scum and villainy... blah blah blah. Let's bust some heads!

Super King puts on his best game face and manages to infiltrate the establishment with barely a second glance. He chides his dinosaur brethren for being so trusting. Oh how it pains his soul to deceive them like this, but Super King is unstoppable! It's okay to beat up on your own race if they're being total tools and denying you monies.


Oh brother, if only you knew.

The screening process to enter the Blackwoods Company is very... lackluster. Almost before Super King can reveal his terrifying surname he's suited up and told to wait in the basement for further instructions. There's a bunch of other recruits who must've went through the same "rigorous" trial. Why, if I was the leader of a dastardly mercenary company and, as far as I know, I'm not... nobody would get through the door without passing the fifteen despondent chambers of irresponsible torment.

Super King takes a moment to reflect on this, and comes away glad that the guild master doesn't apply himself to the same high dino-standard.


Lay it on me, homey!


Ugh, dizzy...

We can't seem to figure out why going on missions requires getting high off tree sap, but Super King never was the type to argue with free narcotics! Soon we're off and away to the good settlement of Water's Edge, where a dangerous crew of goblins is engaging in brutal warfare with the townspeople.

How terrible it must be! By the time we show up there isn't a soul to be seen save for the wretched frames of the goblin horde.


Death to you, stinky goblin!

Curiously, the goblins do nothing in the way of fighting back. This is quite different from their normal methods of gibbering like an idiot and shooting poorly crafted arrows. Super King trundles back through the mire to report to Oreyn, curious as to why his mohawked leader wouldn't just wait in one of the many caves peppering the countryside near Leyawin. Walking halfway across the known world is very inconvenient, Oreyn.

Oh wait, that's right. You're a LAZY JERK.


And let me guess... you want ME to go find out what happened?

Turns out that, yes, he DID want me to go find out what happened and, guess what, that Hist Sap made me all loco and poor Super King killed a bunch of humans he thought were goblins.

No big loss. Aren't there like six billion humans on the planet anyway? Super King doesn't particularly regret the deaths of six or seven of the stinkier varieties. If they're not intelligent enough to arm themselves, no big loss.

However, this does give me and Oreyn an excuse to go and totally 'bust up some shit'.

Oreyn, predictably, says he'll take a raincheck on the whole affair. That's cool. I don't need no dark elves mucking up my style.


Hey guys, 'member me?

The battle is joined with ferocity! Super King engages the majority of the company, a slew of his lizard brethren, in the time honored tradition of FISTICUFFS!!(tm), liberating a shiny green sword from one of them in the process and using it to lay waste to the remainder of the treacherous sea beings. When all's said and done, nothing remains but the slowly decomposing corpses of a good third of Argonian's native population.


How could such a SWEET RACK have turned to the dark side?

In the basement we find the object of our quest...


Man... that stuff'll mess you up...

Though it pains the terrifying lizard(!!) to do so, Super King goes about destroying the sinister machinery. His eyes brim with tears as he thinks of all the money he's throwing down the drain in the process.


Do you know how much peach cobbler a supply of drugs like this could buy? DO YOU?!!?

Thoughts of profiteering are pushed the side as he returns to Oreyn, confident in a job well done. Secretly, I am grateful that there was a Fighter's Guild quest that didn't involve the liberation of stupid books from stupid caves.


Nobody cares about your pappy, boy. Gimme the goods.

Turns out the 'goods' are a tight little number made from what I imagine is the skull of a bear.


Either that, or it's Oreyn Bearclaw's skull and he was one MESSED UP Dark Elf.

Super King, for once, is NOT complaining.


Seriously. Awesome.

Now my only wish is that there were children in this game that I could follow around and SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF.

We consider this briefly before turning a missive that some wayward traveler must've stuck in our pants when we weren't looking.


What do you know...

Though I find the concept of 'greater rewards' largely spurious, considering the fact that I've rarely gotten more than a pittance of gold from any quest, the idea of spending less time in prison is one I find uniquely appealing. If the humans are going to keep arresting Super King for silly and inconsequential things like 'stealing their entire shop's inventory' or 'accidentally swinging a sword at them' then it'd probably be wise of us to find a way to around lengthy jail time.

It's a dark and gloomy night when we meet our mysterious benefactor in the Imperial City, garden of Dareloth.


So, uh... you guys here for the... auto show... too?

We play it cool. Just in case it's "the man" trying to trick us. It's been known to happen before and Super King is wary! Once bitten, twice shy.

But as it turns out, it's just a cute little guy with an apparent case of Down Syndrome.


Promise me that if I join the guild I won't get whatever the hell disease it is that spawned that sorry mug of yours.

The majority of the Thieves Guild is actually MORE boring than the Fighter's Guild, if you can believe that. Instead of muddling through it, let's just look at the good parts:

1) The Imperial City is awesome for one of our favorite pastimes: stealing food.


Where have you been all my life?

2) The Imperial City is also awesome for ANOTHER one of our favorite pastimes:

SITTING.


Taking a load off while breaking and entering is one of life's most sublime pleasures.

3) The Imperial City doesn't seem to be good for stealing anything BUT food.


Are you serious? I thought you jerk-holes were rich! I've pulled better items out of a mud crab's ass!

4) Fences scattered around Cyrodiil will actually BUY your treasure trove of pilfered quill pens and sackcloth shirts.


Fences scattered around Cyrodiil also have regular sleeping schedules, and will buy back the very items you STOLE FROM THEM.

Eventually Super King and I have stolen about three or four thousand dollars worth of bread and inkwells. We only needed 50 dollars worth of stuff to start the special Thieves Guild missions, but we believe if a job's worth doing it's worth doing right. The Imperial City wakes up the next morning to discover that every feather and piece of parchment in a ten mile radius has been stolen out from under their noses. Dinosaurs are the best thieves ever!

Now back to Dareloth's hood.


Sssh. We're being stealth.

Then we get sent on a bunch of BS missions to steal crap that involves very little actual stealing of anything valuable.


Seriously man. A stone head? If you don't start me pilfering gold studded diamond plates soon I'm gonna flip out. For real.

Also, we're not allowed to kill any filthy humans. Otherwise we get charged a thousand dollars.


It would be SO easy...

Super King soon finds out, after repeated efforts, that killing the Thieves Guild representative instead of paying him off ALSO does not work.

Totally sucks, man.

So we say nuts to the Guild for now and go off on our own to see what we shall see.


Not exactly a sight for sore eyes.

We don't want to believe the creepy orc lady, but she suggests that the 'magical statue' her and her band of psycho Branch Davidian-wannabes are huddled around has super powers. Super King is reticent to believe them, but the fact that the statue TALKS INTO HIS MIND is enough to convince him otherwise. Seems that mind-talking is about the -only- power the statue has, as it lost its eye and hasn't been able to get it back. We're quite convinced that this is because it's a sissy statue, but we don't say anything because we're not sure if it's a vengeful god in disguise and Super King has a severe allergic reaction to divine lightning.

Eventually we manage to track down the two scallywags who stole the eye. Guess what they happened to be?

ARGONIANS! The people who made this game are so racist!! Dang!


You guys are really giving our people a bad name, you know.

It's like a dinosaur can't catch a break around here, for serious. Super King wonders if the problem isn't humans, but that he's the only cool creature on the planet and everyone else are just assholes (who smell). It's very possible, but dinosaur girls are still cute so he'll let them off the hook.

Everyone else has to go.

We find the cave that the extraordinarily bright thieves were smart enough to talk about right in front of Super King (he was busy rummaging through their closets) and, sure enough, buried in the mire is the object of his quest. A rather eerily glowing ball that I about crapped myself upon seeing. Thinking it was a monster, I had just had a bad experience with a few Will-O-The-Wisps, I shot about forty arrows at it before being able to convince myself that it was safe.

Super King still thinks it was a trap.


super King also doesn't know why someone would sleep in a cave, but maybe that's just him.

All the same, we quickly hike back to the statue. As time goes on, our dinosaur starts to get a little nervous about the whole 'lightning bolt from the sky' thing. He forgot to take his Allegra today and a seared ass really isn't on the top of his list of things to do.


You're welcome, statue lady! Please don't suffer divine retribution upon me!

For our troubles we're granted what is essentially an unbreakable lockpick. What's more the thing adds like 40 points to your lockpicking skill, thus making it basically pointless to have a lockpicking skill in the first place. Now all I have to do is hit 'auto-attempt' until the thing opens.

Normally I'd complain, but picking locks is such a pain in the ass.

Eighth Step: Ogres, Ogres, Ogres!

I go back to the Fighter's Guild, I want a job. Guess what I get?

I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with CRAP.


Surprise surprise.

This time we have to go to another nondescript cave to complete another nondescript journey with another nondescript NPC who wants us to recover another nondescript item of GRAVE IMPORTANCE(!!)


Alright lady, let's get this over with. Because I'll give you two minutes before I shove my craw in your maw.

Needless to say, the adventure quickly went to a brisk pace. Let's get this over with. I'm bored already.


Oh snap, dinosaurs!

Oh snap, glowing, dinosaurs!

This triumphant reunion is cut short, however, when they totally start WAILING on me! Hey!! I thought we were brothers or something! What's up with this green-on-green crime?

Super King is not the type of dinosaur that takes this thing lying down. If you bring the green, things are bound to get mean! In the ruckus another terrifying sight is seen, obviously the ring master of this little troupe, mind controlling these poor unevolved lizards into attacking their kin, a Svengali if you will. Well, Super King Awesome does not abide by this source of tomfoolery!


Remember kids, mind controlling innocent dinosaurs is no joke!

This Dark Elf wears strange armor I can't seem to remove. This bears further inspection... certainly this is no ordinary cave!


Excelsior, onward into the abyss!

So the Elfy lady decides she's going to take point. This finds no complaint for me, for multiple reasons.


Take whatever meaning from this image that you desire.

Deeper and deeper into the cave we travel, searching for the lost treasures of the ancient mind-hypnosis dark elf tribe. When we find an altar of some interest and the prissy Elf Lady just can't be BOTHERED to explore any further. Fine, end of the line. I'm not gonna cut you in on your share of the loot!!

Like I was anyway. Dinosaurs are known for their many virtues, but generosity is not one of them.


Little known fact: Fighting creepy fire bitches is ALSO not a dinosaur virtue!

GOODLUCKWITHTHECAVELADYI'LLSEEYOULATER!!!

Back in town we're told a job well done, and more money under our belt. The only person that could argue with our success is a rotting corpse sitting next to the lava bitch at the bottom of a cave. I think our secret's safe, Super King, and nobody's gonna be the wiser about Elante of Alinor's little... disappearing act.

In the next mission we're told, and wait for this because it's a good one, that we have to KILL SOME MORE TROLLS.

Coincidentally, Varinus, the panty waist in the earlier mission, was sent out on this expedition and came back. I'm confident in his survival rate, because he's an NPC and therefore infinitely resurrectable whenever it's convenient to the plot.

The four score of dead bodies I find piled up in the troll cave suggests to me that maybe, just maybe, the rules about NPCs bringing themselves back to life has been temporarily suspended. I haven't found Varinus yet, but it does net me a pretty chic set of Blackwoods Company steel armor.


Perfect for my future covert ops with Oreyn!

The rest of the mission is clouded in silence. Due to the chance of younger readers, I've opted not to include the scenes of Varinus's grisly funeral pyre. Let's just say that it wasn't pretty, and Super King could've imagined an alternate reality in which he was a lily livered human and vomited at the sight of it.

He didn't throw up, of course, because dinosaurs EAT CORPSES and, therefore, aren't really bothered by them. Even when they're the corpses of sissy momma's boys.

Returning to the guild, Super King is confronted with some harsh news.


Oh, great...

In a totally logical step, the Guildmistress demotes me because I'm the one that found her son. That's like blaming President Abe Lincoln for telling you that your son died in the Civil War. Except that I'm like fifty times cooler than Abe Lincoln, if Abe Lincoln was a dinosaur. Since he is not, I can approximate Super King's coolness to a factor of roughly 10000x.

In short: don't shoot the messenger.

The next mission sends me up to the icy north, no doubt punishment for my "transgression". Super King grumbles in his boots, offput by the cold. Dinosaurs prefer sun-heated rocks and lounging to sloughing your way through the filthy white crystals that human beings call 'snow'. On this mission of mercy, where we have to kill a whole bunch of OGRES for some reason (at least it's not more trolls), Super King gets a little lost and sees something coming towards him in the haze.


Mr. Pooh? Is that you?


Oh good Christ!! You're not Pooh Bear!!

We quickly learn how easy it is to kill bears, and also how a bear pelt is only worth 30 dollars but for some reason weighs like a hundred thousand pounds.

Sadly, we never found out what happened to Rabbit, or Tigger.

Further on we emerge from the snow and spot a tower in the distance. Perhaps this is the object of our quest...?


The idea of a Fighter's Guild mission that doesn't include trolls is quickly becoming abhorrent to me.

No, just more smelly trolls. I decide that, since these guys aren't really part of my job, it'd be best for Super King and myself to employ our kickass awesome powers of dino-stealth and avoid these guys entirely.


Uh, soooo... that didn't work.

I run like the dickens, Super King checking the map while in full stride. We're close to the location and figure that with enough distance the trolls will give up pursuit and pick on something easier, like a school of geese, or a smelly man-ape.

Such is not the case, but I am partially to blame. I stopped in my full-on run to examine a curious looking rock that provided me with a magical set of time-bound pointy dagger and matching pointy gauntlets. And what's that in the distance?


Salvation! The generic ruin that is the object of my long journey!

Upon entering I turn towards the door and ready my conjured blade. Any trolls that pass will taste the wrath of my enchanted weapon!


So, uh... you guys coming?

I guess I'm safe. Let's find these ogres, whatever they are, mop them up, and collect the pitiful cash from the Fighter's Guild like we always to, chipper in the explanation that the satisfaction of a job well done is the REAL reward.


Oh, right. I forgot that ogres were HARD AS BALLS.

Here I learn that these are the legendary 'Cursed Gauntlets of Galgamesh', that have the power to CRASH YOUR GAME every time they get unequipped. After about three hours of trial and error I realize I can get rid of the summoned dagger by unequipping it, but the gauntlets are here to stay. Eventually, with more effort and utilization of my masterful problem solving skills, I get a makeshift solution. Figuring the game is crashing when it tries to re-equip my REAL gauntlets, I stow them on a nearby corpse and wait for the timer to run out. Sweat pours down my face as I let the timer run out. No crash, but this has happened before. The real test is when I save. Tentatively I press the F5 button...

...it works!! Back to the quest!

Okay, so clearly fighting the ogres head-on doesn't work. My equipment sucks and I'm a little lackadaisical when it comes to healing myself, and running when the running is good. Instead, Super King decides that we have to rely on his naturally devious dino-cunning.

...but how?


Well, hello there.

It's just a theory, but those Ogres look like they've been packing away a bit too many hamburgers at the Happy Shack. I don't think they'll have quite the 'ups' that Super King does, and so I run a little rope-a-dope gambit and send the whole horde of them charging back to the shattered remains of the entry way. You can view the (rather satisfying) aftermath below:


Yeah, I'm pretty happy with how that turned out.


That'll teach you to mess with me, fatty!

There's only one thing you can do after a job with that kind of success rate.

Sit!


...what?

Of course, the racist shopkeepers won't let me lounge around as is my preference. Apparently they hate dinosaurs (maybe they had a bad run-in with those Blackwoods Company losers?) and if I don't buy anything I'm not welcome here. Well Super King takes exception to that!

But Rome wasn't built in a day, and trying to change a bigot's mind isn't really worth your time. The guy does have some nice looking armor anyway. We'll humor them... this time. Super King resolves himself to break in later and totally 'bust up some shit' while the guy's asleep. STREET JUSTICE!


Okay, so it makes me look like a fancy boy. That's okay, the stats are good.

Back to the guild! A job well done! Let's go apologize to the Guildmistress and save the world together!


Oh, wait, no. Not this time.

Then again, me and Super King are wondering if these QUESTS are getting old.

Here's a hint:

They are.

But let's do it anyway. I have a feeling we're getting to the good stuff.


Hey, pig boy. It's people like you that give us non-humans a bad name. Go back to your mudsty!

In Super King's highly evolved dinosaur mind, the only racism that 'counts' is the racism against dinosaurs. Other races don't count, mostly because they can barely be allowed to hold the title of 'intelligent life', and, if this green turdsack is any indication, they never will.

Guess who kidnapped the guy's daughter?


Ogres: the new troll!

Just like last time we learn a valuable lesson about Ogres. Not only are they significantly lacking in the 'ups' department, their unhealthy level of obesity causes them a great deal of difficulty in even mustering the simplest tasks of gate operation.

In layman's terms, their fatasses can't fit through the door, and end up getting peppered with more of Super King's baneful boltheads.


You're who I was supposed to rescue?

You know, when I position the monsters to be picking their noses it's funny. That's just plain sad, lady.

But a job's a job, and we get the lady "Rughdump" back safely to her father, only to be awarded with some piece of crap sword that drains 'Speechcraft', of all things. Maybe that word criminal would've been wise to use it on himself and put his brutal murder of the English tongue out of its misery.

Really, this is the capstone, though:


Bro, you can keep her.

What's really exciting is (after one more job involving EFFING TROLLS that isn't worth describing) that both of the reject guild leaders tell me they're all out of jobs and I've gotta go back to Oreyn for SUPER SECRET SPY TRAINING. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout! It's time to kick some Blackwoods Company ass!


Oh geez. That's no good.

Super King finds the hauling in of a fellow dinosaur to be particularly distasteful, but he considers his prior experience with other members of his race. Living in the generic confines of the natural caves in the area must do something to their minds. He resolves himself to probe deeper into this matter, to discover the source of this dino-insanity and become a beacon of hope to his beleaguered people.


Also, we get to kill some smelly humies. That's always fun.

Deep into the cave we find the leader, cocky and vile as ever, but not outwardly hostile.


You asked for it...

Unfortunately for the opposing dinosaur, being cocky and vile IS outwardly hostile to other dinosaurs and, what's more, a dinosaur is required by law to do whatever another dinosaur asks.


Hey SK, I think we went a little overboard.

Oreyn's not gonna like this...

Seventh Step: Cherry Pie, Racial tension, and Blatant Nudity

I wholeheartedly did not want to miss Friday's update, or Monday's, but sometimes life gets in the way, as we all well know, and it's not like I ever set myself to a schedule for this anyway. So here's one for Tuesday and let's hope I'll do another on Friday.

Back on the beaten path, Super King moves out to find more jobs with the Fighter's Guild. Yeah, the pay sucks and the jobs are usually boring, but if he keeps finding fancy rings that turn him into a ghost so he can scary wussy guildmaster's sons then... he'll deal, for awhile.

The next mission sends him right back to Leyawin where he has to deal with the asinine behavior of The Blackwoods Company, the mercenary group that's stealing all the good jobs from the Fighter's Guild. Super King was sent out to find out why Maglir defaulted on yet ANOTHER contract. Upon entering the tavern we find the reason: he's with those Blackwood apes now!! Quintuple curses! Damn you, you rotten monkey scum!


Confound you Maglir! I knew I should've left you to the mudcrabs!

And soon the problem is identified, one of the higher ups of the Blackwoods Company who wooed Maglir away from the righteous path. An Argonian, no less!


This isn't the way to racial equality, brother...

Super King is momentarily swayed by the idea that maybe he could be a Blackwoods merc too and hang out with sweet Argonian dudes (and hot babes!) all day long, but the idea soon passes. After all, who really needs all the hassle of that. Have you ever heard a Black Marsh Argonian try to sleep? It's all hisses and snores all night long and it's like NONE of them can ever keep their tail still. No, Super King will wait until he controls the Fighter's Guild, then he'll replace all the members with the cool kinds of Argonians, the ones with fins on their heads.

And then he'll replace all them with cherry pie.

And then he'll eat the cherry pie.

And then he'll be lonely... but filled with cherry pie.

So it looks like Super King yet AGAIN has to complete a contract for Maglir. How exciting! What's even more exciting is that the contract the idiot defaulted on is the most boring thing in the world. A local mage needs 10 portions of Imp Gall and our dinosaur hero is gonna be the one to get it!!

Well, look, that might be fine for Apes like Maglir, but awesome dinosaur people like Super King have self-respect.

Unfortunately, they also have to pay alimony to three separate ex-wives, soooo... we take the job.

I won't waste your time with the nitty-gritty, just know that lots of Imps were slain and much treasure was found.


See? Treasure!

But what's more interesting than treasure is the few bottles of a curious substance that Super King digs up deep in the dungeon... drugs!


I'm your candy man.

Skooma soon becomes my favorite toy, and I resolve myself to find more of it at my earliest opportunity. It totally jacks all your combat stats at the mere expense of (semi-)permanent damage to your Intelligence. Easily fixed by going to a temple altar and hours upon hours of fun for the whole family! However, despite our fervent testing, it doesn't appear possible to become addicted to it. This saddens me, thinking about all the stats I could've lost by going through painful withdrawal, wondering if there's a 'Puking' skill that I could practice while attempting to go cold turkey off the stuff, roleplaying my eventual return to the substance and spiraling into a ruined life... so many opportunities!

But no, not this time. No matter how much I drink (and believe me, I got a LOT of the junk) nothing seems to happen besides the eventual reduction of Super King's intelligence to the level of the common house cat. Even this has no effect on gameplay, and -purposely- crashing into walls while gibbering nonsense to yourself isn't as fun as being forced to do it by the game.

Okay, back to the fighter's guild. I am convinced at this point that I have helped nearly every person in the county of Cyrodiil and will HAVE to be given a real job when I go back for my next contract. The law of averages states that at some point one of my jobs will actually have a real and worthwhile goal. This is science fact.


...

...on second thought, are you sure there's no rats to save or books to pick up?


Okay guy, now you're REALLY making me uncomfortable.

Turns out he was just priming me for the mission at hand. We're gonna go kick some serious Blackwoods Company ass! It gets me all excited, I'm totally pumped!! I pack my bag full of Skooma and turn to Oreyn to render a sharp salute, sword at my side, ready for action!


Okay, here's the plan. You run in and take all the hits, and I'll go off and find treasure! We'll meet up in fifteen minutes!

Turns out Oreyn doesn't much care for my plan. Instead we're gonna have to crawl through no less than TWO sets of ruins trying to find this guy who may or may not have paid off the Blackwoods Company in order to decimate the Fighter's Guild's ranks and all this other jibber jabber that I don't care about. We have to go find Azani Blackheart and make him say he's sorry and that he'll never, ever, eeeeeeeever do it again, promise!

Somewhere in the first ruin Oreyn's MAGNIFICENT AI gets stuck on a wall and I end up leaving him behind as I trudge on through to second ancient excavation sight. Here I take a deep breath before descending into the depths, fully expecting another retarded trek through a mouse and crab infested cavern.

Well, I was wrong. This cavern is entirely populated by annoying Red Guard mercenaries (almost all female, Azani is a P-I-M-P!) who do little more than chase me around with their warhammers out while I pepper them with arrows. Super King decides that he's really starting to like this bow stuff, especially considering, when far enough away, you can get the Sneak Attack damage bonus like -four- times before they notice you.

It seems to me that after being shot once I would be aware enough to avoid future arrows, but hey... what do I know?

Our dinosaur king finally comes face-to-face with Azani in a sort of makeshift throne room at the heart of the ruins. The guy doesn't even ask questions, just goes right after our poor buddy. Azani Blackheart, more like Azani BIGFATRACIST! Super King dispatches him with the utmost in prejudice and commences the ceremonial removing of all his clothes and leaving him to rot in a silly position. Now everyone will know you don't mess with dinosaurs!

Also, he peed on the corpse.


Lie their, dead in your indignity!


Nothing like a job well done.

Anyway!!

We have to go back and find Oreyn who, some many days later, is still stuck on the same wall in the same cave. Then we have to hold his hand and walk aaaaaaaaall the way back to the ruin before we're given the option to give him Azani's ring and apologize for not giving them the chance to say he was sorry. Oreyn grouses about not being there to take part in the action, but we think it's a cover-up. Nobody with a mohawk like that is tough in a real fight. Maybe if we were in 80s movie starring Charlie Bronson, but other than that...


Yeah, dead. NO THANKS TO YOU!

Now, let's go rout some people and have a good ole time of it! I'm ready for the real deal chief, I just know I am!


Oh...

No, how about instead you send me on a bunch more BS missions?

At least this one directly involves killing some people. Let's move out to yet ANOTHER cave. Hop to it!


Ready for action.

Super King is double-triple ready to kick some humie ass after his last few encounters. His hopes are few, and easily summed up here:

1) Lots more chairs to sit in.
2) Hot Dinosaur Babes.
3) Sweet Armors for the wearing.

None of these wishes would be fulfilled during the mission, but 'killing lots of stupid humans' was a very close 4th on his to-do list, so it's okay. He lays waste to the first few bandits with nothing but the best in karate prowess. In the wake of his onslaught, nothing but the defrocked bodies of his foes lie strewn across the landscape.


Wallow in eternity, your nudity betrays your intent!


Taste the wrath of public humiliation! Your corpse is a display for the unwary!

Also: "lol, you got WOOD

While reveling in his masterpiece with Ashanta, the slain Red Guard woman (Super King is getting quite adept at killing Red Guard ladies, and considers yet another possible career path if 'totally awesome hero-guy' ends up not working out), the dinosaur finds his scaly hide pierced with all pain of a wayward staple. It is not until the second missile hits that he realizes he is being peppered with arrows. Fie and bollocks! Our ridiculously strong pain tolerance has hindered us again! I guess there IS such a thing as being too masculine. Upon turning to his newfound foe, Super King is confronted with a horrible revelation.


Brother... w-why?

The creature is already running away, giving Super King a moment's pause. He knows that no trueblooded dinosaur would flee a fight, but then... no trueblooded dinosaur would start a fight with another dinosaur. THEREFORE! It must be the case that this dinosaur is naught but a dino-imposter!! He's wearing dino-makeup and trying to pass!


Yes, run criminal! Your end is nigh!

The creature, whatever it is, doesn't show much in the way of dino-smarts either, and ends up nearly committing suicide by walking backwards into a pit, and Super King is quick to follow with his waraxe flashing in the torchlight, ready to finish the job. When all's said and done the pathetic beast is stripped in the same fashion as his companions before him and the job is done.


Oh, oh look at me! I'm so pretty! I'm a fancy boy!


And now I'm picking my nose! I'm so gross, I'm picking my nose!

Surfeit with the feeling of a job well done, young Super King strides his way back to town ready to collect his reward, his pack heavy with the clanking metals and rustling clothes of a king's ransom in bandit armor. Maybe today wasn't so bad after all...


Hey guild leader, you're full of surprises too! I'm surprised you're ACTUALLY WEARING CLOTHES FOR ONCE!

See ya on Friday!