Monday, May 15, 2006

Tenth Step: Poor Thievery, AWESOME RACIST ACTION, and The Grey Fox Wastes Everyone's Time

When last we left our intrepid dino, he was knee-deep in Elder Gods from beyond the grave. Having had his fill of statues for the moment, Super King returns to town to see if the Thieves Guild is still surviving without his continual input of cheese wheels and silver forks.

Oh, well... this is a little awkward.

Foils and double foils!! The goon squad is on the case of the poor Christophe, already suffering from genetic abnormalities and now he's forced to endure their torturous jeering. Well, Super King won't stand for this. He might be a dirty humie, but he's still worthwhile!

At least... until we become guild master here too and from there he can just straight take a hike, whatever.

A former competitor for the Thieves Guild approaches me not long after, telling me the sorry tale of betrayal. Damn you, an inside man!

You know, woman, I outrank you... you're a girl.

Super King is more curious about how she's moved up in rank so fast, considering she joined the guild AFTER him. He ponders this... perhaps she knows where all the REALLY good silverware and ink wells are. Unfortunately, it will have to wait until a later date. We have eyes on us!

Once again. Awkward.

Apparently Methredel has very poor depth perception, and it takes Super King quite the act of finegaling before he's able to convince the guard that they were indeed NOT talking about the bust he stole, nor were they talking about the poor mutant, Armand Christophe. Instead, the guard goes away convinced that dinosaurs are amongst the worlds greatest culinary masters, and that nice green lizard was simply telling his Elfen friend with the cute butt his recipe for Simmerin' Scallops and Scallions.

The guard has little time to mull over the combination of seafood and onions, as the next thing that enters his mind is Super King's broadsword.

Super King, forgetting his sworn oath to the guild not to draw blood while on a mission, incurs another thousand dollar fine. Oh well.

When the guard has been summarily dumped into the water Super King is already hot on the trail of the traitorous guild member, and through a combination of subterfuge and KARATE SKILLS he manages to sneak the pilfered bust into her cupboard, then strolls outside to put on his most innocent act to the captain of the guard, who just so happens to be patrolling around right outside.

Go get 'im, tiger!

Once again, awkward. I really should go.

After Heironymous straight jacks the traitor, who just so happened to be his spy so don't even ask me how that makes sense, Super King is free to go about his business and Armand Christophe can come out of hiding, play in the sun, and eat pop-tarts. Whatever it is retarded kids do, you know? Meanwhile, we've got another job to do! Seems a nice cat-lady in Leyawin has lost her ring and now she wants it back.

Some complications arise...

Yo lady. I KNOW you did not just step to my Argonian brother from another mother.

The conversation does not improve with time.

Oh HELL no! What did you just say?

Okay. So the thief that stole her ring, he's in jail and he wasn't a member of the guild so nobody wants to help him. Well I'M gonna help him, because Argonians can't be letting their peoples down, not even when there's guild advancement on the line!

Well, actually, Super King would totally do that. He's just not gonna because he's not particularly worried about losing his guild advancement. Worse comes to worse he kills the cat-lady, denies ever meeting her, and gets a pretty sweet fur coat out of the deal.

SCREW THAT! We'll just do it that way!!

Okay, many reloads later, we realize we can indeed NOT do it that way. Back to the normal game...

Dude. Why is everyone in this town a dick?

The castle appears to be relatively unguarded, though, and the sole jailer is easily bribed with something in the range of ten gold pieces. Considering Super King and I now have something like twenty grand in our possession (despite all the murder fines), we can do nothing but pity the poor guard whose world is so small that ten bucks seems like a wealth of gold. Sucker!

According to the dinosaur-buddy in the cell, the Lady of the castle took that ring back and now we have to take it back from her. The Argonian thanks Super King with the traditional 'fist pound/backwards head nod' combination, a word doesn't need to be spoken among brothers.

Quickly, to the castle!!


Nice digs, for a sucker-fool racist Queen.

Look, I'm the Queen! I hate Argonians! I am required by law to have a stick shoved into my butt at all times!

Okay, okay. Enough fun.

Unable to find anything in the way of secret passages, we turn to the local beggar population. Finding an Arognian in a rather sorry state of affairs, Super King clicks his mouse button over the 'donate 1 gold' button until his fingers get tired, then presses the man for information, to which he has the nerve to ask for more cash! Well, okay... but you better hook me up with some serious info.

Oh, great. Good day to be a dinosaur.

We're told to ask the head handmaiden of the castle for more info, but both me and Super King are starting to have second thoughts about this job.


There's secret passages and junk, great. Totally what I want to do. Secret passages where they torture unsuspecting dinosaurs. GOOD DEAL!

But hey, a job's a job.

Now, if I was a secret passage... where would I be?

Oh. Well that wasn't so hard.

Apparently human castle engineers have a tenuous grasp of the concept behind the word 'secret'.

The passage winds on and on, picking up a trail of blood as we go. Somewhere in the middle there's a fun little sight.

Yay. So feeling better about being in here right now.

Super King is starting to feel less and less good about this job, and for a brief moment he runs through the kind of trouble he'll get in if he just outright slices up the lady of the castle and makes a run for it while simultaneously spewing white hot poopy in his britches.

We got the ring, and the Argonian homey made it, so don't feel bad.

However, the britches have seen better days.

Back in the Imperial City, things are as boring as ever...

Actually, it's really not as hard as you'd think. That "Nocturnal" lady seems to have a couple screws loose.
Also, the chick's a totally immobile statue. That might help.

Word on the streets is we're stealing a staff from some mage dude. Nobody thinks to inform me as to WHY we're doing this, but I guess that's why Super King's just a Thieves Guild member and not a SUPER AWESOME BADASS LEADER GUY (yet). They just haven't given him time to blossom.

Mages Guild. Eerie.

We got the staff and trucked through a boring mission. Then we trucked through another boring mission, and then ANOTHER, and then eventually the Grey Fox was all like 'Yo dude, wanna steal an Elder Scroll?' and I was like 'No thanks dude, I already got the game! It's only $50, you should pick it up!' and he was like 'No dood, the Elder Scrolls are what the games were named after!' and I was all like 'What?' because I was so busy stealing all his silverware when he wasn't looking.

I don't think he minded, but he did make me go on ANOTHER boring mission. With ghosts.

Seriously, guy, seriously. I don't do ghosts.

Gee, I wonder if these statues are gonna come alive.

They did.

Really, really. No more ghosts.

Zombies are okay, though!

This is where the really interesting stuff starts. Eventually I get bored of hacking into every single zombie the entire planet of Cyrodiil has to offer and just ran through the whole catacombs. When we reached the surface we were in for quite a shock. Apparently the guards don't take too kindly to being woken up by sneaky dinosaurs in shiny armors.

No, no. Not kindly. Not kindly at all.

The game has, at this point, decided that not being in sneak mode upon enterting the castle alerts all the guards to my position. Having forty castle guards and a bunch of blind kung-fu monks on your ass is not as fun as it sounds, even if they are all hot chicks.

PS: They're not all hot chicks.

Always time for a sit-down.

Blind monks are such suckers. Hey, look, I'm right behind you!
Oh... was that rude?

Apparently the plan is to sit down and pretend I'm some Noble chick and the blind monks will hook me up with the Elder Scroll, whatever that is. While the monks aren't particularly observant, the guards are clanking around outside the door and raising hell, they won't give the scroll up all the same.

Clearly there's only one solution.


Oops. I may've jumped into the genocide thing a bit hastily.

Pay careful attention to the guards attacking each other in the background.
Yeah, I don't get it either.

Eventually, the dirty deed was done. Super King didn't exactly feel bad about it, but killing off the entire squadron of palace guards does take a bit out of one's constitution.

Hey buddy, which way to the Elder Scroll department?

The monks are still totally not into it! In fact, now they're outright attacking me! Totally uncool!!

Kung-fu monks still lack one crucial ability: THE ABILITY TO SEE ME.

Super King spends a few precious moments whistling in one room and running into another, just to get the monk's goat. When he gets bored of that, and it becomes clear that those jerk-off monks are gonna be permanently on alert and are clearly never gonna give up the good stuff he turns to another one of his myriad of talents:


Thank you console commands!

Returning to Gray Fox, I find that my mission is far from over. Great.

It's a beautiful thing, how 'Thieves Guild Member' essentially translates into 'Gopher for some jerk in a crappy hood'.

But I'll do it, just because I'm tired of dealing with your flim-flammery. I step outside and poor Super King gets yet another rude awakening call, much in the same manner as last episode back: an arrow in the back of the head.

Uncool, man! Uncool!

It's a sad state of affairs for the guards that they forgot I had KICKASS KUNGFU KARATE POWERS. My next moves involve a series of vaults and twirls that would leave any many jealous.

Leap! Leap to your freedom Super King!

FINALLY we get back to the stupid Anvil town, and tell the stupid countess the stupid message from stupid Grey Fox and it turns out he was WAITING OUTSIDE ANYWAY. Great. Jerk.

So thanks, that was a total was of time, huh?

I guess the Cowl of the Grey Fox does some magic thing that obscures your identity, and we needed the scroll to bear the spell and blah blah blah blah I'm the guild leader now and Super King gets the cowl and becoming Guild Leader is basically meaningless and gives me NOTHING except a guild hall in which thieves gather, theoretically that means the various guild resellers are more available in a single location, but it really doesn't.

End result: I get screwed, again. Being a guild leader totally sucks. I head on over to the local guild in Anvil to take a nap.


Blogger Dani said...

You are unlucky friend... for becoming guildmaster on the 360 you get 50 gamerpoints.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good Blog. BUT i'm not sure if u know but if you wear the grey fox's cowl you get: 25pts. sneak boost, 200pts. feather boost, and major life detection for 120ft as a constant effect. PLUS if you steal anything while wearing the cowl, all the bounty goes to the grey fox, and once u take the cowl off and yeild to the guard he completely forgets who you are and what u stole. I'd say even thogh the mission is difficult the reward (the cowl) is pretty sweet.

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