Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Seventh Step: Cherry Pie, Racial tension, and Blatant Nudity

I wholeheartedly did not want to miss Friday's update, or Monday's, but sometimes life gets in the way, as we all well know, and it's not like I ever set myself to a schedule for this anyway. So here's one for Tuesday and let's hope I'll do another on Friday.

Back on the beaten path, Super King moves out to find more jobs with the Fighter's Guild. Yeah, the pay sucks and the jobs are usually boring, but if he keeps finding fancy rings that turn him into a ghost so he can scary wussy guildmaster's sons then... he'll deal, for awhile.

The next mission sends him right back to Leyawin where he has to deal with the asinine behavior of The Blackwoods Company, the mercenary group that's stealing all the good jobs from the Fighter's Guild. Super King was sent out to find out why Maglir defaulted on yet ANOTHER contract. Upon entering the tavern we find the reason: he's with those Blackwood apes now!! Quintuple curses! Damn you, you rotten monkey scum!

Confound you Maglir! I knew I should've left you to the mudcrabs!

And soon the problem is identified, one of the higher ups of the Blackwoods Company who wooed Maglir away from the righteous path. An Argonian, no less!

This isn't the way to racial equality, brother...

Super King is momentarily swayed by the idea that maybe he could be a Blackwoods merc too and hang out with sweet Argonian dudes (and hot babes!) all day long, but the idea soon passes. After all, who really needs all the hassle of that. Have you ever heard a Black Marsh Argonian try to sleep? It's all hisses and snores all night long and it's like NONE of them can ever keep their tail still. No, Super King will wait until he controls the Fighter's Guild, then he'll replace all the members with the cool kinds of Argonians, the ones with fins on their heads.

And then he'll replace all them with cherry pie.

And then he'll eat the cherry pie.

And then he'll be lonely... but filled with cherry pie.

So it looks like Super King yet AGAIN has to complete a contract for Maglir. How exciting! What's even more exciting is that the contract the idiot defaulted on is the most boring thing in the world. A local mage needs 10 portions of Imp Gall and our dinosaur hero is gonna be the one to get it!!

Well, look, that might be fine for Apes like Maglir, but awesome dinosaur people like Super King have self-respect.

Unfortunately, they also have to pay alimony to three separate ex-wives, soooo... we take the job.

I won't waste your time with the nitty-gritty, just know that lots of Imps were slain and much treasure was found.

See? Treasure!

But what's more interesting than treasure is the few bottles of a curious substance that Super King digs up deep in the dungeon... drugs!

I'm your candy man.

Skooma soon becomes my favorite toy, and I resolve myself to find more of it at my earliest opportunity. It totally jacks all your combat stats at the mere expense of (semi-)permanent damage to your Intelligence. Easily fixed by going to a temple altar and hours upon hours of fun for the whole family! However, despite our fervent testing, it doesn't appear possible to become addicted to it. This saddens me, thinking about all the stats I could've lost by going through painful withdrawal, wondering if there's a 'Puking' skill that I could practice while attempting to go cold turkey off the stuff, roleplaying my eventual return to the substance and spiraling into a ruined life... so many opportunities!

But no, not this time. No matter how much I drink (and believe me, I got a LOT of the junk) nothing seems to happen besides the eventual reduction of Super King's intelligence to the level of the common house cat. Even this has no effect on gameplay, and -purposely- crashing into walls while gibbering nonsense to yourself isn't as fun as being forced to do it by the game.

Okay, back to the fighter's guild. I am convinced at this point that I have helped nearly every person in the county of Cyrodiil and will HAVE to be given a real job when I go back for my next contract. The law of averages states that at some point one of my jobs will actually have a real and worthwhile goal. This is science fact.


...on second thought, are you sure there's no rats to save or books to pick up?

Okay guy, now you're REALLY making me uncomfortable.

Turns out he was just priming me for the mission at hand. We're gonna go kick some serious Blackwoods Company ass! It gets me all excited, I'm totally pumped!! I pack my bag full of Skooma and turn to Oreyn to render a sharp salute, sword at my side, ready for action!

Okay, here's the plan. You run in and take all the hits, and I'll go off and find treasure! We'll meet up in fifteen minutes!

Turns out Oreyn doesn't much care for my plan. Instead we're gonna have to crawl through no less than TWO sets of ruins trying to find this guy who may or may not have paid off the Blackwoods Company in order to decimate the Fighter's Guild's ranks and all this other jibber jabber that I don't care about. We have to go find Azani Blackheart and make him say he's sorry and that he'll never, ever, eeeeeeeever do it again, promise!

Somewhere in the first ruin Oreyn's MAGNIFICENT AI gets stuck on a wall and I end up leaving him behind as I trudge on through to second ancient excavation sight. Here I take a deep breath before descending into the depths, fully expecting another retarded trek through a mouse and crab infested cavern.

Well, I was wrong. This cavern is entirely populated by annoying Red Guard mercenaries (almost all female, Azani is a P-I-M-P!) who do little more than chase me around with their warhammers out while I pepper them with arrows. Super King decides that he's really starting to like this bow stuff, especially considering, when far enough away, you can get the Sneak Attack damage bonus like -four- times before they notice you.

It seems to me that after being shot once I would be aware enough to avoid future arrows, but hey... what do I know?

Our dinosaur king finally comes face-to-face with Azani in a sort of makeshift throne room at the heart of the ruins. The guy doesn't even ask questions, just goes right after our poor buddy. Azani Blackheart, more like Azani BIGFATRACIST! Super King dispatches him with the utmost in prejudice and commences the ceremonial removing of all his clothes and leaving him to rot in a silly position. Now everyone will know you don't mess with dinosaurs!

Also, he peed on the corpse.

Lie their, dead in your indignity!

Nothing like a job well done.


We have to go back and find Oreyn who, some many days later, is still stuck on the same wall in the same cave. Then we have to hold his hand and walk aaaaaaaaall the way back to the ruin before we're given the option to give him Azani's ring and apologize for not giving them the chance to say he was sorry. Oreyn grouses about not being there to take part in the action, but we think it's a cover-up. Nobody with a mohawk like that is tough in a real fight. Maybe if we were in 80s movie starring Charlie Bronson, but other than that...

Yeah, dead. NO THANKS TO YOU!

Now, let's go rout some people and have a good ole time of it! I'm ready for the real deal chief, I just know I am!


No, how about instead you send me on a bunch more BS missions?

At least this one directly involves killing some people. Let's move out to yet ANOTHER cave. Hop to it!

Ready for action.

Super King is double-triple ready to kick some humie ass after his last few encounters. His hopes are few, and easily summed up here:

1) Lots more chairs to sit in.
2) Hot Dinosaur Babes.
3) Sweet Armors for the wearing.

None of these wishes would be fulfilled during the mission, but 'killing lots of stupid humans' was a very close 4th on his to-do list, so it's okay. He lays waste to the first few bandits with nothing but the best in karate prowess. In the wake of his onslaught, nothing but the defrocked bodies of his foes lie strewn across the landscape.

Wallow in eternity, your nudity betrays your intent!

Taste the wrath of public humiliation! Your corpse is a display for the unwary!

Also: "lol, you got WOOD

While reveling in his masterpiece with Ashanta, the slain Red Guard woman (Super King is getting quite adept at killing Red Guard ladies, and considers yet another possible career path if 'totally awesome hero-guy' ends up not working out), the dinosaur finds his scaly hide pierced with all pain of a wayward staple. It is not until the second missile hits that he realizes he is being peppered with arrows. Fie and bollocks! Our ridiculously strong pain tolerance has hindered us again! I guess there IS such a thing as being too masculine. Upon turning to his newfound foe, Super King is confronted with a horrible revelation.

Brother... w-why?

The creature is already running away, giving Super King a moment's pause. He knows that no trueblooded dinosaur would flee a fight, but then... no trueblooded dinosaur would start a fight with another dinosaur. THEREFORE! It must be the case that this dinosaur is naught but a dino-imposter!! He's wearing dino-makeup and trying to pass!

Yes, run criminal! Your end is nigh!

The creature, whatever it is, doesn't show much in the way of dino-smarts either, and ends up nearly committing suicide by walking backwards into a pit, and Super King is quick to follow with his waraxe flashing in the torchlight, ready to finish the job. When all's said and done the pathetic beast is stripped in the same fashion as his companions before him and the job is done.

Oh, oh look at me! I'm so pretty! I'm a fancy boy!

And now I'm picking my nose! I'm so gross, I'm picking my nose!

Surfeit with the feeling of a job well done, young Super King strides his way back to town ready to collect his reward, his pack heavy with the clanking metals and rustling clothes of a king's ransom in bandit armor. Maybe today wasn't so bad after all...

Hey guild leader, you're full of surprises too! I'm surprised you're ACTUALLY WEARING CLOTHES FOR ONCE!

See ya on Friday!


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3:02 PM  
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4:38 PM  

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