Monday, May 08, 2006

Ninth Step: Don't Do Drugs, Stealing from the Stealers, and A Very Special Meeting with Statue Lady

Things finally get exciting.

High-five, Oreyn! Let's do it!

I knew my formative years of playing Metal Gear Solid wouldn't go to waste! Let's do this thing!

I arrive back in the town of Leyawin, home of unbridled racism and other scary stuff. But Super King has fear? A thousand times no! We're here on a mission.

A more wretched hive of scum and villainy... blah blah blah. Let's bust some heads!

Super King puts on his best game face and manages to infiltrate the establishment with barely a second glance. He chides his dinosaur brethren for being so trusting. Oh how it pains his soul to deceive them like this, but Super King is unstoppable! It's okay to beat up on your own race if they're being total tools and denying you monies.

Oh brother, if only you knew.

The screening process to enter the Blackwoods Company is very... lackluster. Almost before Super King can reveal his terrifying surname he's suited up and told to wait in the basement for further instructions. There's a bunch of other recruits who must've went through the same "rigorous" trial. Why, if I was the leader of a dastardly mercenary company and, as far as I know, I'm not... nobody would get through the door without passing the fifteen despondent chambers of irresponsible torment.

Super King takes a moment to reflect on this, and comes away glad that the guild master doesn't apply himself to the same high dino-standard.

Lay it on me, homey!

Ugh, dizzy...

We can't seem to figure out why going on missions requires getting high off tree sap, but Super King never was the type to argue with free narcotics! Soon we're off and away to the good settlement of Water's Edge, where a dangerous crew of goblins is engaging in brutal warfare with the townspeople.

How terrible it must be! By the time we show up there isn't a soul to be seen save for the wretched frames of the goblin horde.

Death to you, stinky goblin!

Curiously, the goblins do nothing in the way of fighting back. This is quite different from their normal methods of gibbering like an idiot and shooting poorly crafted arrows. Super King trundles back through the mire to report to Oreyn, curious as to why his mohawked leader wouldn't just wait in one of the many caves peppering the countryside near Leyawin. Walking halfway across the known world is very inconvenient, Oreyn.

Oh wait, that's right. You're a LAZY JERK.

And let me guess... you want ME to go find out what happened?

Turns out that, yes, he DID want me to go find out what happened and, guess what, that Hist Sap made me all loco and poor Super King killed a bunch of humans he thought were goblins.

No big loss. Aren't there like six billion humans on the planet anyway? Super King doesn't particularly regret the deaths of six or seven of the stinkier varieties. If they're not intelligent enough to arm themselves, no big loss.

However, this does give me and Oreyn an excuse to go and totally 'bust up some shit'.

Oreyn, predictably, says he'll take a raincheck on the whole affair. That's cool. I don't need no dark elves mucking up my style.

Hey guys, 'member me?

The battle is joined with ferocity! Super King engages the majority of the company, a slew of his lizard brethren, in the time honored tradition of FISTICUFFS!!(tm), liberating a shiny green sword from one of them in the process and using it to lay waste to the remainder of the treacherous sea beings. When all's said and done, nothing remains but the slowly decomposing corpses of a good third of Argonian's native population.

How could such a SWEET RACK have turned to the dark side?

In the basement we find the object of our quest...

Man... that stuff'll mess you up...

Though it pains the terrifying lizard(!!) to do so, Super King goes about destroying the sinister machinery. His eyes brim with tears as he thinks of all the money he's throwing down the drain in the process.

Do you know how much peach cobbler a supply of drugs like this could buy? DO YOU?!!?

Thoughts of profiteering are pushed the side as he returns to Oreyn, confident in a job well done. Secretly, I am grateful that there was a Fighter's Guild quest that didn't involve the liberation of stupid books from stupid caves.

Nobody cares about your pappy, boy. Gimme the goods.

Turns out the 'goods' are a tight little number made from what I imagine is the skull of a bear.

Either that, or it's Oreyn Bearclaw's skull and he was one MESSED UP Dark Elf.

Super King, for once, is NOT complaining.

Seriously. Awesome.

Now my only wish is that there were children in this game that I could follow around and SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF.

We consider this briefly before turning a missive that some wayward traveler must've stuck in our pants when we weren't looking.

What do you know...

Though I find the concept of 'greater rewards' largely spurious, considering the fact that I've rarely gotten more than a pittance of gold from any quest, the idea of spending less time in prison is one I find uniquely appealing. If the humans are going to keep arresting Super King for silly and inconsequential things like 'stealing their entire shop's inventory' or 'accidentally swinging a sword at them' then it'd probably be wise of us to find a way to around lengthy jail time.

It's a dark and gloomy night when we meet our mysterious benefactor in the Imperial City, garden of Dareloth.

So, uh... you guys here for the... auto show... too?

We play it cool. Just in case it's "the man" trying to trick us. It's been known to happen before and Super King is wary! Once bitten, twice shy.

But as it turns out, it's just a cute little guy with an apparent case of Down Syndrome.

Promise me that if I join the guild I won't get whatever the hell disease it is that spawned that sorry mug of yours.

The majority of the Thieves Guild is actually MORE boring than the Fighter's Guild, if you can believe that. Instead of muddling through it, let's just look at the good parts:

1) The Imperial City is awesome for one of our favorite pastimes: stealing food.

Where have you been all my life?

2) The Imperial City is also awesome for ANOTHER one of our favorite pastimes:


Taking a load off while breaking and entering is one of life's most sublime pleasures.

3) The Imperial City doesn't seem to be good for stealing anything BUT food.

Are you serious? I thought you jerk-holes were rich! I've pulled better items out of a mud crab's ass!

4) Fences scattered around Cyrodiil will actually BUY your treasure trove of pilfered quill pens and sackcloth shirts.

Fences scattered around Cyrodiil also have regular sleeping schedules, and will buy back the very items you STOLE FROM THEM.

Eventually Super King and I have stolen about three or four thousand dollars worth of bread and inkwells. We only needed 50 dollars worth of stuff to start the special Thieves Guild missions, but we believe if a job's worth doing it's worth doing right. The Imperial City wakes up the next morning to discover that every feather and piece of parchment in a ten mile radius has been stolen out from under their noses. Dinosaurs are the best thieves ever!

Now back to Dareloth's hood.

Sssh. We're being stealth.

Then we get sent on a bunch of BS missions to steal crap that involves very little actual stealing of anything valuable.

Seriously man. A stone head? If you don't start me pilfering gold studded diamond plates soon I'm gonna flip out. For real.

Also, we're not allowed to kill any filthy humans. Otherwise we get charged a thousand dollars.

It would be SO easy...

Super King soon finds out, after repeated efforts, that killing the Thieves Guild representative instead of paying him off ALSO does not work.

Totally sucks, man.

So we say nuts to the Guild for now and go off on our own to see what we shall see.

Not exactly a sight for sore eyes.

We don't want to believe the creepy orc lady, but she suggests that the 'magical statue' her and her band of psycho Branch Davidian-wannabes are huddled around has super powers. Super King is reticent to believe them, but the fact that the statue TALKS INTO HIS MIND is enough to convince him otherwise. Seems that mind-talking is about the -only- power the statue has, as it lost its eye and hasn't been able to get it back. We're quite convinced that this is because it's a sissy statue, but we don't say anything because we're not sure if it's a vengeful god in disguise and Super King has a severe allergic reaction to divine lightning.

Eventually we manage to track down the two scallywags who stole the eye. Guess what they happened to be?

ARGONIANS! The people who made this game are so racist!! Dang!

You guys are really giving our people a bad name, you know.

It's like a dinosaur can't catch a break around here, for serious. Super King wonders if the problem isn't humans, but that he's the only cool creature on the planet and everyone else are just assholes (who smell). It's very possible, but dinosaur girls are still cute so he'll let them off the hook.

Everyone else has to go.

We find the cave that the extraordinarily bright thieves were smart enough to talk about right in front of Super King (he was busy rummaging through their closets) and, sure enough, buried in the mire is the object of his quest. A rather eerily glowing ball that I about crapped myself upon seeing. Thinking it was a monster, I had just had a bad experience with a few Will-O-The-Wisps, I shot about forty arrows at it before being able to convince myself that it was safe.

Super King still thinks it was a trap.

super King also doesn't know why someone would sleep in a cave, but maybe that's just him.

All the same, we quickly hike back to the statue. As time goes on, our dinosaur starts to get a little nervous about the whole 'lightning bolt from the sky' thing. He forgot to take his Allegra today and a seared ass really isn't on the top of his list of things to do.

You're welcome, statue lady! Please don't suffer divine retribution upon me!

For our troubles we're granted what is essentially an unbreakable lockpick. What's more the thing adds like 40 points to your lockpicking skill, thus making it basically pointless to have a lockpicking skill in the first place. Now all I have to do is hit 'auto-attempt' until the thing opens.

Normally I'd complain, but picking locks is such a pain in the ass.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, following the (mis)adventures of SuperKing is endlessly amusing. Gets better all the time!

8:13 AM  
Blogger Dani said...

The ultimate demonstration of super king's prowess would be to steal something from the downs syndromed redguard chap!!

3:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


that'll do Super king, that'll do.

8:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah kiddies, don't do drugs, ecspecially Hist Sap (trust me, they sell it the *BLEEP* and let's just say it won't be bringin' sexy back for a long time).

11:27 AM  
Anonymous HighwayWhore said...

Hey, go find that statue whose worshippers wander around naked! It would be raaaaaather humorous.

5:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sheogorath shrine is funny theres 1 ov them hoo eats children and they waddle round naked

8:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dat was good but get some shit about monsterz plzzzzzz

1:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dat was good but get some shit about monsterz plzzzzzz

1:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that was fully sick im Argonian too

8:51 PM  
Blogger amie said...

the super lockpick thing was hilarious. i love this game but i hadn't realized how incredibly lame it could sound, lol :)

9:18 AM  

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