Sunday, May 21, 2006

Eleventh Step: Discourtesy, Racial Equality (at last!), and Sweet, Sweet Revenge

Thinking that nobody would dare wake the guildmaster in his own 'hood, Super King sleeps soundly... until!

Well. That's a very odd thing to say...

It's an emissary of the Dark Brotherhood! Guess he saw when we totally trashed all those guards in the pursuit of the Elder Scroll for Senor Gray Fox. Yeah, that was TOTALLY WORTH IT.

I don't find your candor all that appealing, sir.

Stalky McStalker doesn't seem to want to answer -how- people saw me and Super King laying waste to all those mean ole guards, he's too busy wrapped up in his own little speech. Curses! People in black robes never give you a chance to get a word in edgewise!

I'm not really clear where you're trying to go with this analogy...

I guess Mr. Dark Robes tends to get wrapped up in his speeches. I keep raising a finger to tell him we've got unsuspected visitors, but he was too busy talking about sucking goat blood out of some chicky's teat. Not really my style, but hey, a job's a job.

Sooooooooo... whatcha guys talkin' about?

Just like the elf chick from the Thieves Guild in the last episode, Lucien shows us that the NPCs in this game show a certain lack of discretion when entering conversations about sensitive topics. Super King is sure to cold-cock the Fighter's Guild Porter in the back of the head, to ensure that he doesn't talk about our little chat to the other members. I'm pretty sure I won't get in trouble for this because I'm the guild member, and also because he's not a named character. Those lackwits and their repetitive dialogue are practically BEGGING to be smashed into bits.

On the beaten trail towards the Inn of Ill Omen where our first murder target awaits, Super King and I decide that this mission calls for a little something I like to call STEALTH ACTION!

On second though... this kind of emphasizes my overbite...

Sneak sneak sneak.

The innkeeper is only too happy to tell us where Rufio is, living in the basement all by himself. Though the concept of avoiding innocent bystanders doesn't usually factor into Super King's M.O., there's really no point damaging our sword on pointless badguys.

Hey guy! What's happenin'?

Rufio and SK have a nice chat about the plusses and minuses of living in a dungeon before the dinosaur remembers what his mission was. Oh right! We're supposed to ruthlessly slaughter you! Here, hold still.

Well, that was fun.

Who would've thought killing old men was so easy. Do we sense a new career in this?

Not really. His supply of quill pens and linen shirts is pretty lackluster, and we all know that's the only thing worth stealing these days.

Anyway, as instructed, we go back to sleep and await further orders... IN THE BED NEXT TO THE MAN WE MURDERED!

Super King thinks the risk to his safety, sleeping next to a freshly murdered corpse and all, is worth it. Lucien'll will totally respect his ironic stylings!

Dude. I'm sleeping in Rufio's bed! You didn't even notice...

Who says romance is dead?

Lucien tells Super King that he's now part of a new family. A TOTALLY AWESOME family that goes around killing people for no reason at all. -This- is my kind of guild!

...I don't have to steal any quill pens, do I? 'cause I'm sort of not down with that anymore.

Apparently the guild has been right under our nose in Cheydinhal this whole time and we never knew. I blame that Fighter's Guild Orc is his foppish stylings!

Into the basement of the abandoned house we go!!

On second thought...

Entering the door is simpler than it looks, though Super King's underdeveloped brain fears the ancient tribal blood rituals that may have created this door.

Super King's also deathly afraid of cameras, because they might steal his soul. Don't tell him I told you that, he's a little shy about it.

A dino-guildmaster, I like this family more and more all the time!

A little creepy, sure. But still feeling it.

Maybe a little too excited for my first time here, dude, but still... another Argonian! Nice to meet you!

Things aren't all roses, though.


Around the bend it gets even better...

Guy, if I didn't hate pirates so much I'd punch your pursed lips right through the back of your bizarrely deformed head.

We gotta go aaaaaaaaall the way back to the Imperial City to gank this grog-swiller, but it's okay. Vincente, the friendly vampire with the silken tongue (and silken undies, presumably) suggests that we get awesome bonuses if we do the job in silly ways. For example, we get to climb into a crate in this one and sneak onboard. Nice! gonna be using that crate, bro?

Turns out the Redguard wasn't using the crate. Between that and the compliment to his pants, Super King was starting to feel pretty good about himself. It was a simple matter to sneak into the captain's cabin.

Awww, poor baby tuckered himself out. Shivered too many timbers didja?

Super King forgets a few of the basic tenants of stealth in the process, though, and manages to make quite the dino-ruckus while executing his target with extreme prejudice. This brings the ire of the rest of the pirates.

Unfortunately for them, they're not smart enough to avoid announcing when they're coming through the door. Their mistake!

I wish ALL my enemies announced when they were coming in a loud voice!
...oh wait... they already do...

The jobs continue like that in totally awesome ways. For example, the next job requires us to drop a moose head on some loser noble in that Nord town where all the loser Nords live. 'make it look like an accident', in the parlance of our times. Super King cracks that sucker in the head and leaves his butler stumbling around wondering what happened. Apparently moose heads don't fall out of the sky every day!

Boss... boss... you okay?

I'm really starting to like this game again!

Vincente is pretty pleased with Super King's progress... I'm not really pleased with his double talk, though.

Seriously dude, what is that... like a triple negative?

The next mission is especially exciting. Remember that Dark Elf from the beginning of the game that made fun of us and called us names?

We totally get to gank him.


Vincente, the only key you're holding right now is the ONE TO MY HEART!

You would not believe how excited Super King is right now. YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE ME EVEN IF I TOLD YOU!!

Alright chums, thumbs up, let's do this.

Oh, right, rodentia. Yay...

The guards don't seem happy with their post, guarding what is apparently the only criminal in all of Imperial City. I guess Citizens of Cyrodiil live in an advanced society where nobody but non-humans commit crimes.

The irony!

Goddang racists. Gonna be fun slaughtering all of 'em.

Except I can't... I don't get my sweet mission bonus if I let the guards know I'm here. Time for some serious Metal Gear Solid action, thanks to the... GREY FOX HOOD!

Shine purple as hard as you want, bro. It ain't gonna save you.

As soon as the guard leaves Super King SPRINGS INTO ACTION!

Uh, yeah, about that. Remember when you called me a bug eating man-molester...?

Dreth doesn't get another word out. And then it's back to the guild for another quest! We're contracted to 'fake' kill some honky named Mortierre, the guy apparently got himself in trouble with the local debtors and now he needs us murder-types to clean up his mess for him.

Super King informs Vincente that he's not really comfortable with the idea of NOT killing someone, but we're not really high enough in the pecking order to pick and choose our missions... so off to Mortierre we go.

The concept of not killing is a crime against the very fiber of my being.

After disposing of that little wussy Mortierre, we're given a promotion. No longer are we forced to deal with the limp-wristed Vincente. It's all Argonians from now on! And Ocheeva, the sultry guildmistress, does not disappoint. She sends us right out into the fray, on a mission ripped directly from an Agatha Christie novel. We have to kill five party guests in a locked house while sowing the seeds of distrust among them. They think they're looking for buried treasure, but all they're gonna find is the swift taste of Super King's mighty saber!

Seriously lady. I have been waiting my whole life to meet you.

This calls for some special gear. We need to put on our Sunday best!

I DEFY you to tell me this doesn't look good.

The butler, who's in on the whole thing, meets me outside with some A+ information.

I don't know who you are, homey, but you and my mother got NOTHIN' in common.

Inside we've got a fine selection of humans to explode and maim at will. No Argonians, thankfully, we would've felt bad killing our own people. Nords, though, they smell so bad it's practically a death sentence already! I'm doing them a favor!

Totally unrelated note, but... do you have this maid's number?

A few sword swings in private places later and most of the party is demolished beyond recognition. I was hoping this would lead to panic, and possibly the breaking of all windows in a futile attempt to escape, but we're not so lucky. Mostly they just hang around being bored.

Dude! Like three of your friends are dead!
...if you were to die suddenly, and I'm TOTALLY not saying you were... could I have your mead?

When it's just the smarmy young noble and the old hag left I decide to have a little fun toying with their emotions... but the noble beats me to the punch. I'm not sure what convinced him that the scary dinosaur was his best friend, or that the old hag was capable of murdering a slew of able bodied young men, but whatever.

Yeah, let's get her dude!

Super King watches the struggle with some amusement. A young fop versus an old lady, both with no real appreciable combat experience, makes for a pretty enjoyable floor show. But all good things must come to an end, and our dinosaur buddy cleans up the last straw, young Primo, and calls it a day.

You know, it's true what they say. There really isn't anything like a job well done.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

brilliant, still. I also don't think the outfit looks particularly fly...hehehe

11:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I knew at some point in this tale of tells SK would figure out 'bout the DArk Brotherhood. Just fabulous.

7:59 PM  
Anonymous HighwayWhore said...

Awesome! Can't wait till you start having to kill everyone :P

5:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would've totally tossed them some weapons, just to make it funnier :3

8:52 PM  

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