Friday, May 05, 2006

Eighth Step: Ogres, Ogres, Ogres!

I go back to the Fighter's Guild, I want a job. Guess what I get?

I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with CRAP.

Surprise surprise.

This time we have to go to another nondescript cave to complete another nondescript journey with another nondescript NPC who wants us to recover another nondescript item of GRAVE IMPORTANCE(!!)

Alright lady, let's get this over with. Because I'll give you two minutes before I shove my craw in your maw.

Needless to say, the adventure quickly went to a brisk pace. Let's get this over with. I'm bored already.

Oh snap, dinosaurs!

Oh snap, glowing, dinosaurs!

This triumphant reunion is cut short, however, when they totally start WAILING on me! Hey!! I thought we were brothers or something! What's up with this green-on-green crime?

Super King is not the type of dinosaur that takes this thing lying down. If you bring the green, things are bound to get mean! In the ruckus another terrifying sight is seen, obviously the ring master of this little troupe, mind controlling these poor unevolved lizards into attacking their kin, a Svengali if you will. Well, Super King Awesome does not abide by this source of tomfoolery!

Remember kids, mind controlling innocent dinosaurs is no joke!

This Dark Elf wears strange armor I can't seem to remove. This bears further inspection... certainly this is no ordinary cave!

Excelsior, onward into the abyss!

So the Elfy lady decides she's going to take point. This finds no complaint for me, for multiple reasons.

Take whatever meaning from this image that you desire.

Deeper and deeper into the cave we travel, searching for the lost treasures of the ancient mind-hypnosis dark elf tribe. When we find an altar of some interest and the prissy Elf Lady just can't be BOTHERED to explore any further. Fine, end of the line. I'm not gonna cut you in on your share of the loot!!

Like I was anyway. Dinosaurs are known for their many virtues, but generosity is not one of them.

Little known fact: Fighting creepy fire bitches is ALSO not a dinosaur virtue!


Back in town we're told a job well done, and more money under our belt. The only person that could argue with our success is a rotting corpse sitting next to the lava bitch at the bottom of a cave. I think our secret's safe, Super King, and nobody's gonna be the wiser about Elante of Alinor's little... disappearing act.

In the next mission we're told, and wait for this because it's a good one, that we have to KILL SOME MORE TROLLS.

Coincidentally, Varinus, the panty waist in the earlier mission, was sent out on this expedition and came back. I'm confident in his survival rate, because he's an NPC and therefore infinitely resurrectable whenever it's convenient to the plot.

The four score of dead bodies I find piled up in the troll cave suggests to me that maybe, just maybe, the rules about NPCs bringing themselves back to life has been temporarily suspended. I haven't found Varinus yet, but it does net me a pretty chic set of Blackwoods Company steel armor.

Perfect for my future covert ops with Oreyn!

The rest of the mission is clouded in silence. Due to the chance of younger readers, I've opted not to include the scenes of Varinus's grisly funeral pyre. Let's just say that it wasn't pretty, and Super King could've imagined an alternate reality in which he was a lily livered human and vomited at the sight of it.

He didn't throw up, of course, because dinosaurs EAT CORPSES and, therefore, aren't really bothered by them. Even when they're the corpses of sissy momma's boys.

Returning to the guild, Super King is confronted with some harsh news.

Oh, great...

In a totally logical step, the Guildmistress demotes me because I'm the one that found her son. That's like blaming President Abe Lincoln for telling you that your son died in the Civil War. Except that I'm like fifty times cooler than Abe Lincoln, if Abe Lincoln was a dinosaur. Since he is not, I can approximate Super King's coolness to a factor of roughly 10000x.

In short: don't shoot the messenger.

The next mission sends me up to the icy north, no doubt punishment for my "transgression". Super King grumbles in his boots, offput by the cold. Dinosaurs prefer sun-heated rocks and lounging to sloughing your way through the filthy white crystals that human beings call 'snow'. On this mission of mercy, where we have to kill a whole bunch of OGRES for some reason (at least it's not more trolls), Super King gets a little lost and sees something coming towards him in the haze.

Mr. Pooh? Is that you?

Oh good Christ!! You're not Pooh Bear!!

We quickly learn how easy it is to kill bears, and also how a bear pelt is only worth 30 dollars but for some reason weighs like a hundred thousand pounds.

Sadly, we never found out what happened to Rabbit, or Tigger.

Further on we emerge from the snow and spot a tower in the distance. Perhaps this is the object of our quest...?

The idea of a Fighter's Guild mission that doesn't include trolls is quickly becoming abhorrent to me.

No, just more smelly trolls. I decide that, since these guys aren't really part of my job, it'd be best for Super King and myself to employ our kickass awesome powers of dino-stealth and avoid these guys entirely.

Uh, soooo... that didn't work.

I run like the dickens, Super King checking the map while in full stride. We're close to the location and figure that with enough distance the trolls will give up pursuit and pick on something easier, like a school of geese, or a smelly man-ape.

Such is not the case, but I am partially to blame. I stopped in my full-on run to examine a curious looking rock that provided me with a magical set of time-bound pointy dagger and matching pointy gauntlets. And what's that in the distance?

Salvation! The generic ruin that is the object of my long journey!

Upon entering I turn towards the door and ready my conjured blade. Any trolls that pass will taste the wrath of my enchanted weapon!

So, uh... you guys coming?

I guess I'm safe. Let's find these ogres, whatever they are, mop them up, and collect the pitiful cash from the Fighter's Guild like we always to, chipper in the explanation that the satisfaction of a job well done is the REAL reward.

Oh, right. I forgot that ogres were HARD AS BALLS.

Here I learn that these are the legendary 'Cursed Gauntlets of Galgamesh', that have the power to CRASH YOUR GAME every time they get unequipped. After about three hours of trial and error I realize I can get rid of the summoned dagger by unequipping it, but the gauntlets are here to stay. Eventually, with more effort and utilization of my masterful problem solving skills, I get a makeshift solution. Figuring the game is crashing when it tries to re-equip my REAL gauntlets, I stow them on a nearby corpse and wait for the timer to run out. Sweat pours down my face as I let the timer run out. No crash, but this has happened before. The real test is when I save. Tentatively I press the F5 button... works!! Back to the quest!

Okay, so clearly fighting the ogres head-on doesn't work. My equipment sucks and I'm a little lackadaisical when it comes to healing myself, and running when the running is good. Instead, Super King decides that we have to rely on his naturally devious dino-cunning.

...but how?

Well, hello there.

It's just a theory, but those Ogres look like they've been packing away a bit too many hamburgers at the Happy Shack. I don't think they'll have quite the 'ups' that Super King does, and so I run a little rope-a-dope gambit and send the whole horde of them charging back to the shattered remains of the entry way. You can view the (rather satisfying) aftermath below:

Yeah, I'm pretty happy with how that turned out.

That'll teach you to mess with me, fatty!

There's only one thing you can do after a job with that kind of success rate.



Of course, the racist shopkeepers won't let me lounge around as is my preference. Apparently they hate dinosaurs (maybe they had a bad run-in with those Blackwoods Company losers?) and if I don't buy anything I'm not welcome here. Well Super King takes exception to that!

But Rome wasn't built in a day, and trying to change a bigot's mind isn't really worth your time. The guy does have some nice looking armor anyway. We'll humor them... this time. Super King resolves himself to break in later and totally 'bust up some shit' while the guy's asleep. STREET JUSTICE!

Okay, so it makes me look like a fancy boy. That's okay, the stats are good.

Back to the guild! A job well done! Let's go apologize to the Guildmistress and save the world together!

Oh, wait, no. Not this time.

Then again, me and Super King are wondering if these QUESTS are getting old.

Here's a hint:

They are.

But let's do it anyway. I have a feeling we're getting to the good stuff.

Hey, pig boy. It's people like you that give us non-humans a bad name. Go back to your mudsty!

In Super King's highly evolved dinosaur mind, the only racism that 'counts' is the racism against dinosaurs. Other races don't count, mostly because they can barely be allowed to hold the title of 'intelligent life', and, if this green turdsack is any indication, they never will.

Guess who kidnapped the guy's daughter?

Ogres: the new troll!

Just like last time we learn a valuable lesson about Ogres. Not only are they significantly lacking in the 'ups' department, their unhealthy level of obesity causes them a great deal of difficulty in even mustering the simplest tasks of gate operation.

In layman's terms, their fatasses can't fit through the door, and end up getting peppered with more of Super King's baneful boltheads.

You're who I was supposed to rescue?

You know, when I position the monsters to be picking their noses it's funny. That's just plain sad, lady.

But a job's a job, and we get the lady "Rughdump" back safely to her father, only to be awarded with some piece of crap sword that drains 'Speechcraft', of all things. Maybe that word criminal would've been wise to use it on himself and put his brutal murder of the English tongue out of its misery.

Really, this is the capstone, though:

Bro, you can keep her.

What's really exciting is (after one more job involving EFFING TROLLS that isn't worth describing) that both of the reject guild leaders tell me they're all out of jobs and I've gotta go back to Oreyn for SUPER SECRET SPY TRAINING. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout! It's time to kick some Blackwoods Company ass!

Oh geez. That's no good.

Super King finds the hauling in of a fellow dinosaur to be particularly distasteful, but he considers his prior experience with other members of his race. Living in the generic confines of the natural caves in the area must do something to their minds. He resolves himself to probe deeper into this matter, to discover the source of this dino-insanity and become a beacon of hope to his beleaguered people.

Also, we get to kill some smelly humies. That's always fun.

Deep into the cave we find the leader, cocky and vile as ever, but not outwardly hostile.

You asked for it...

Unfortunately for the opposing dinosaur, being cocky and vile IS outwardly hostile to other dinosaurs and, what's more, a dinosaur is required by law to do whatever another dinosaur asks.

Hey SK, I think we went a little overboard.

Oreyn's not gonna like this...


Anonymous Harry said...

this is so funny i have been following from the start and am loving every bit of it. may i suggest that when superking takes control of the fighters guild and fille himslef with cherry pie that he joins the mages guild its good as

7:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL. Seriously funny. If only it was a narrated video =)

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12:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Incredibly funny, and what you mentioned on the 'Cursed Gauntlets of Galgamesh' really helped me out because the same thing happened with my character. Thanks a lot!

2:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Agreed, thank you SO MUCH for this, I've been searching for like an hour for a fix to that stupid gauntlet thing, and I was worried I'd have to go through 5 hours of random oblivion gate runs (which is what i've been doing since my last permanent save...) all over again to fix my game. You rock :)

4:10 PM  

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