Friday, April 14, 2006

Third Step: Magical Swords, Dino-booty, and the Fighter's Guild

When last we left our dino-friend he was merrily fleeing the confines of friend Jauffre's abbey with a literal herd of sheep in tow. That'll teach you to be more polite to strangers, ya dirty Dark Elf! Super King relishes in the fact that letting a man's livelihood escape into the forest isn't considered a crime, and reminds himself to release more sheep into the world if he should ever be troubled again.

Now freed from the bonds of the rather expensive amulet around his neck, Super King posits a question to himself 'What do I do next?' Not really one to follow orders, the young dinosaur turns to wherever the wind suggests he go. That whole silly thing about saving the world can wait until he's lined his pockets with gold and venison. As far as he's concerned, everything else is tertiary in nature.

Clearly he was wrong, though, as his hubris is short lived. While snooping around a local resident's house the presumptuous local guard sees fit to burst in and pick him up just like that. How unfair!! It's not like anyone was home, and even if they were... they were totally gonna let those tomatoes go to waste!


Considering my fine is only $10 I feel like the best recourse right now is to just pay it off and let myself be processed. Had I realized that this would involve the lifting of the three valuable bottles of brandy I knicked last time I might've been a little pissed off. How the heck did they know that it's stolen? For that matter, how the heck do they know I stole that TOMATO? I must've picked up the only lo-jacked tomato in all of Cyrodiil. Super King mulls over his stealing habits. He won't stop... he's just gonna have to refine the technique.

Obviously that doesn't last long...

Don't worry about me lady, I'm the... plumber...

After a few more bouts in jail/fines Super King starts to learn his lesson. From now on we'll never steal again (when someone is looking)! Promise!!

Deciding that some community service is in order, our Terrifying Lizard(!!) saunters his way to the local drinking establishment, recognizing that roleplaying games often use taverns as a hub for all manner of FedEx quests and the like. Sure enough, A rather wizened old man has an offer for him, seems his farm's been in a bit of a pickle due to some recent goblin attacks.

Jeez, why does that last name look so familiar?

Oh yeah, this is the farm we robbed in the last episode. Well, the old man's two sons don't seem to be any the wiser, and Super King briefly considers picking their pockets just to remind them of their stupidity. Street justice, and all.

But before he can act his thoughts of petty penny pinching are washed away by the cruel impact of a goblins mace. Hey!! Ain't nobody gonna roll up in SK-Junior's hood with that whack nonsense! Some deft swings of his long sword (and about forty reloads) later, the goblin horde is defeated... and the farm's seen better days.

Guess I'm gonna have to find another place to get my corn...

Still, the rewards are proportional to the deed. Upon returning to the bar where the 'fraidy-cat of an old man is stewing in his liquor, Super King informs him of the glorious victory and is rightly given a rather fetching magical sword. It glows a magical blue, just like in the Lord of the Rings!! The dinosaur briefly considers testing it out on the most quickly available target (the old man, duh), but reigns himself in for the moment, deciding that the fine for murder is probably slightly more than $10 and since these guards all seem to have ESP like Patrick Stewart when he put his head in that metal colander in X-Men... we'll get you next time old man. Keep coughing up magic swords if you want to live.

I feel just like Mr. Frodo! ZAAAAAAP! ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! I love you Sam!!

Once his transaction is completed, Super King runs into a sight for sore eyes. The very first member of his race he's seen since his imprisonment. Dar-Ma, huh? That's kind of cute... do you come here often?

Baby, I Feel like I've known you my whole life.

But it was all a scam! The treacherous thing definitely didn't want to "wrap tails", or even anything close! All she's doing is out whoring her mom's trade goods store. Lady, the only reason I'm going in there is if every ten purchases removes a piece of your bodice. Do you like that? It's a new game I just made up, it's called Strip Barter, and it's awesome.

If there's any cute dino-girls out there that wanna play, just gimme a ring. 1-800-K-AWESOME.

Dar-Ma is not convinced, and Super King sighs with the realization that he's gonna have to find his sweet tail somewhere else. S'all good... she wasn't really his type. He continues to remind himself as she shakes her pert little fanny right off into the town square.

Somebody get me my Sir Mixalot tape, POST HASTE!!

Trying to take his mind off of things, Super King delves himself into the most latently homoerotic thing he can think of: the fighter's guild. The winsome face that greets him at the door is potent enough to eliminate any impure thoughts he was having... for about the next FORTY YEARS.

Chin up buddy, dental technology is advancing every day.

At the top left in that picture you'll see the "Persuasion Wheel", which I have become totally obsessed with. For the rest of the playing session I talked to every NPC I could see and raised their opinion of me to the max. This doesn't seem to have any effect on conversations unless the NPC has a bit of information he'll only share with 'friends' (I've found a grand total of ONE of them) or if they're a merchant, persuasion lets you get goods cheaper. I won't bore you will all the details, but suffice it to say... Speechcraft is going to be the first skill I max...


After being given the run around for about an hour, I finally tread upon the one decrepit old lady I had to talk to in order to join the fighter's guild. Now a member, I'm totally excited that I'll be able to do some good in the world and make up for my sinful deeds of the past. What's my first job lady, huh? Lay it on me!! I'm ready!! I'm gonna go SAVE THE WORLD!

...I have to go to another FREAKING TOWN to get a job?

Well that's just brilliant.

Thankfully, due to the 'fast travel' system, the town of Anvil is a mere button press away. And my first sight upon entering the city is a rather pleasant one.

Oh yeah, I'm gonna like this place.

Wasting no time, I rush to the fighter's guild. But, unable to determine who's my job giver amongst this sea of shiny metal armor, I quickly get distracted and Super King returns to his thieving ways. When nobody's around I carefully mouse my cursor over a tomato...

...and the cursor doesn't turn red...


I think you can imagine what follows. A theivery spree of such epic proportions that it couldn't be adequately recorded in text. Let me put it like this: if there's a single item left in the Anvil fighter's guild that isn't bolted down, they brought it in after I was there.

Most exciting of the day's prizes is the armor pilfered from the commander's office. All sorts of cool things like steel greaves and steel boots and... ooooh, what's this shiny gold stuff?

Okay, so it has NO defensive value, no gold value, weighs a lot, AND makes me look like a fruit. Yeah, pass...

Still, check out of the boots.

My situation is starting to look up, but I resolve myself to acquire more steel armor lest I mess up my Feng Shui. Nobody wants to hang out with a dinosaur that can't even color co-ordinate. That's just lame.

With the fighter's guild picked cleaner than a chicken bone, Super King sighs and makes his way towards the guild master. He'll do some good deeds if he HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS to. But really guys, it hardly seems fair to force such cruel and unusual servitude. There better be a good reason for this!

Rats? A-are... are you kidding me?


Still, the guild master/town idiot promises there will be a serious reward upon completion of the task and that's all Super King needs. He rushes off to the house of the woman in distress. Seeing no one on the first floor he lunges down into the basement, towards the stench of the vermin. Enchanted blade swinging, Super King cuts a path through the filth, noting with some curiosity that none of them seem interested in fighting back. How odd, usually rats are a little more... ratty.

Die!! Die foul vermin!

When he tromps upstairs, covered in blood and rat faeces, there's a very admonishing face waiting for him. 'You killed my rats!' she screams at the top of her voice, 'Curse you wretched fighter's guild!'

Uh, oops... sorry lady?


Tune in next week, kids!


Anonymous HighwayWhore said...

That quest is impossible for anyone with steel boots.

3:56 PM  

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