Monday, April 24, 2006

Sixth Step: Maglir, Mud Crabs, and Viranus's Big Adventure!

Let's get it started.

Fresh off the heels of his expedition with the merchant's guild of Imperial City, Super King lusts for the thrill of the fight. He's convinced that what lies around the bend from him is a wondrous world of adventure and the key is clutched in his scaly hands. He needs only to think of where to go next. And what better place is there than the house of sadistic tendencies, the Fighter's Guild! Convinced that he's now slain the entire rat population of Cyrodiil, the dinosaur believes there to be nothing left for him except contracts that bring in the beaucoup bucks and, more importantly, allow him to exercise his bloodthrist with reckless abandon. Tremble mortals, for your end is nigh! Super King in the HOUSE! Lay it on me brother Oreyn, tell me who I gotta kill!

Oh, yay.

Super King is noticeably disappointed. He signed up for the guild to smash things, not spend time with the smelly fleshbags that refer to themselves as "humans". This particular ape, a sniveling whiner named Maglir, has encountered his dino-liege once before in the town of Leyawin. On an earlier Fighter's Guild contract Super King had pulled has ass out of the fire after the doughy, downtrodden Maglir defaulted on the oh so exciting(!!) contract of RETRIEVING SOMEONE'S LOST BOOK. Oh well, maybe this time it'll be more fun. Chin up Super King, Maglir can't be THAT useless! Who did Oreyn say we had to talk to again?

... ... ... .........................................

Looks like there's another cave holding a secret item that only the two of us can retrieve. But the journey gets off to a bad start right out of the gate. Apparently Maglir's been raiding the pantry during the time he should've been completing his own contracts.

How about a little less pie and a lot more slaughtering of native fauna?
Hurry it up doughboy!!

Super King resolves himself to dump this lightweight (used ironically, please note) at the first available opportunity. If all goes well he'll be devoured by rats and mudcrabs while the dinosaur grabs all the glory for himself.

Normally Super King would slaughter the ape-filth when nobody was looking, but he's only wearing Iron Armor. And since we've got better stuff it's not really worth the effort.

Inside the cave we find the bandits we have stolen fat face's knicknack of unwavering boredom. It's another dumb fetch quest, but that's okay. For our character, the beloved dinosaur, it's starting to become much more about the journey (and the killing of humans the journey requires) than the reward itself. Have at you, stupid humans! The first bandit encountered wears a very fetching mask that Super King desires with all the fury his three dino-hearts can muster.

So preeeeeeeeetty.

But, upon felling the wretched creature, no mask is to be found...

Well that's hardly fair... where'd it go?

This is where Jerry sits me down and teaches me a very valuable lesson about the meaning of Conjuration magic, specifically the ability to conjure armor for yourself. I find that a little lame, because killing humans and NOT getting their items isn't really as much fun.

Don't get me wrong, it's still fun. A LOT of fun (they're still dirty meatbags, after all). It's just not -as much- fun as it could be.

The quest is completed as per the usual and, deciding that the whole mask affair has to be avenged, Super King sends Maglir into peril for his own amusement. The dopey warrior questions why his dinosaur companion is heading away in the opposite direction of the town, but his shoddily programmed AI can do naught but follow... right into the jaws of a fearsome MUD CRAB!

Foolish human! Now you will taste the void!

Much to Super King's chagrin, Maglir dispatches the creature with a fair bit of ease. This worries him, because if a human can do it... it barely seems worth doing at all. And all the worse, while Maglir busies himself with the crustacean our dinosaur is attacked by bandits most foul. Cat people! No!! Is there a furry convention in town he wasn't warned about?

Using the statements set down by countless cartoon TV shows and movies, Super King heads for the water. Not only is it his natural habitat, but the logic of a dozen Disney movies can't be wrong! Cats hate water!!

Swim kitty, SWIM TO YOUR DOOM!!!

In mere moments, Super King's fisticuffs have left the cat face-up in the pool. He howls triumphantly, pounding on the battered corpse with his fist and working himself into a berserker frenzy. Soon he can't stop himself from ripping pieces of cat hide away with nothing but his fanged maw.

Then he gags on a furball...

Alright, enough ignomity. Let's move on.

Still seeking the place of Maglir's untimely demise, Super King uses his radar to head towards a cave of ill repute. Inside there's a festival of the undead to which he can throw the human scum. Again Maglir is beset by the forces of evil. Super King uses this time to explore the cave and retrieve its secret treasures. In the dankest recesses he finds a pair of gauntlets, his first piece of Dwarven armor. But again has his hubris struck him unawares! After donning the new mail he turns to find Maglir cruelly slain and the zombies coming after him!! You know what that means...


I've been waiting my whole LIFE for this!

Halfway through the endless battle, a sword emerges from the darkness to aid Super King in his plight. It's Maglir! At this point we realize that he was not dead, but only unconscious. It would appear that plot-important characters are immune to the cruel ravages of death. Super King is glad for Maglir's distraction. Though he wouldn't admit it, fisticuffs is probably not the best course of action when confronted by raging zombies. When the battle is over he spits in Maglir's face, which is the greatest honor a dinosaur can bestow upon the soft skinned races, and finally leads the reject back to town. With a triumphant cry of 'smell you later!' Super King juts his foot out in front of his fellow guild member and sends Maglir sprawling to the dirt. Relying on his natural agility vis-a-vis Maglir's dumpy, obese frame, the dinosaur charges back to town and collects the reward himself.

So invigorated, he immediately requests another contract. He's got people to slay!! Surely now that he's spent his time with Maglir the Waste of Space he'll be allowed into the inner sanctum of the guild and give the really good bounties. He just knows it!!

...wait, what?

Or we get to babysit some stupid humie again. Hooray for that.

Okay fine. We'll go kill the trolls with the Guildmaster's son. Super King is justifiable outraged, especially considering he's forced to give the little runt door-to-door service. Can you believe the nerve of that racist Oreyn? Making him, the Terrifying Lizard(!!), not only escort the reject through a "treacherous" cavern, but he also has to go all the way to the Donton house and pick him up! The nerve!!

Well, we won't let this offense go unopposed!

Say goodbye to your lunch, Donton!!

It's here we discover that using stolen food to create potions effectively 'launders' them and makes the resulting concoctions legal for sale. In this way, Super King can indulge his kleptomaniacal tendencies and actually make some money off the deal. What results is the biggest food heist the world has ever known. But maybe that's a story for another day, for now... on with the quest!

Listen junior, mother's gonna tell you the same thing I'm gonna tell you: Stop being such a dang pussy and let's go kill some freakin' trolls before I ruin my brand new gaunlets by ramming one up your ass and working you like goddang Pinnochio. LET'S GO ALREADY!

Being a guild member sometimes requires tough love.

Of course, "tough love", as it is translated from dinosaurian, is really more like saying "making a belt out of the intenstines of any stupid fleshsack that annoys you" soooo... Super King tries to restrain his fatherly tendencies. He doesn't want to get kicked out of the guild... not just yet anyway.

In the cave, we put our experiences with Maglir to good use and send Viranus after the trolls at full tilt. Since he can't die he makes the perfect meat shield while we work on our hand-to-hand abilities.

Go get 'em champ!

Here me and Super King learn two points of pertinent information:

1) NPCs can't fight worth jack damn (we sort of already knew that)
2) When they return to consciousness they have like two hitpoints, so they can't even aspire to reach the level to fight where they could maybe-kind-sorta-ALMOST fight worth a "jack damn".

Obviously Viranus isn't gonna be a whole lot of help this time around.

Abandoning his charge, Super King treads all the deeper into the dungeon and faces new and crueler beasts of his own. Maybe Maglir was right, some of these contracts are just plain crazy!


It's then that Super King remembers something: HE'S A FREAKING DINOSAUR! So eff these wankers and their Dwarven Warhammers. The whirling fury of his fists is something that would inspire jealousy in even the greatest martial artists of our time. In the aftermath, our serpentine Bruce Lee is free to examine the trinkets and baubles held in secret by his wooly assailant.

Chameleon! Why, I'm already 1/8th Chameleon!

I know what you're thinking. He's also 6/8ths dinosaur (which is really like saying 5/8ths TOTALLY AWESOME AND RAD) and 1/8th Cherokee Indian. Weird parents, Super King had.

But he decides to try the ring on anyway as sheer curiosity gets the better of him. The results are... unpredictable. Suddenly he's bathed in shadow, the very light bending around him in weirding ways. I think you can guess what we decided to do next.

Viranuuuuuuuuus! Viranuuuuuus! This is the ghost of your faaaaather! Stop being such a puuuuuussy and kiiiiiiiiill something!
Also, give Suuuuuuuuuper King a thousand doooooooooollars for his overdue caaaaaar payments!

He didn't really get the joke...

After Super King got bored of being a ghost (well, temporarily bored, ghosts are so cool that you can never been FULLY bored of being one) they continued the quest and found the lost guild member in the expected condition: dead.

Ooops... better luck next time chum. We'll try harder to save the next guy.

Really, I'm not sure why you would send me on these rescue missions like a week after the guy disappeared. Wouldn't you just assume? Then again... maybe I shouldn't have listened to Viranus's suggestion to stop for bagels on the way out to the cavern.

But I love bagels so much!!

The quest is not without its just rewards, though, and Super King finds yet ANOTHER pair of gauntlets to poke and prod at.

Detect life? I wonder what that does...


Guys, not for nothin', but I think you gave me the "gauntlets of detect fairy" by mistake. And it's not that I don't APPRECIATE it or nothin'... but I kinda already knew. I didn't need a big pink glow to tell me Viranus's curious... predilections.

See ya next week, kids!


Anonymous HighwayWhore said...

XD Hilarious. What level are you, to get those shinies?

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