Monday, April 10, 2006

Second Step: A New Beginning

When last we left our hero he had just emerged from the murky abyss of the Imperial sewers. 'Why do humans let themselves lie in such filth,' Super King asked himself as he scooped handfuls of excrement from his beleaguered equipment. Now finally free again the world was his oyster, and thoughts weighed heavily on his dino-conscience. Should he move upon his righteous path to cleanse the human scum that imprisoned him against his will, or should he listen to their requests, understanding that to doom the human race would be to doom the entire planet in the process... HEY WAIT IS THAT A LAKE?!

Rubber duckie, you're the one.

Super King's newfound joy a being returned to the waters of his birth are unfairly cut short, though, as he spies an intruder on -his- beach. He shows the amulet, proof positive of his royal standing, but the crab continues to advance in a threatening manner. Find then, fiend, have at you!! I'll teach you to bespoil my waters with you excrement and delicious shellfish innards.

The battle is joined!

Further investigation of the surroundings leads Super King to a small keep he presumes to be the residence of Jauffre, the monk whose advice the Emperor told him to beseech.

If I was a filthy human, and I'm not, I think I'd find a better castle from which to save the world.

Clambering up the stairs of the battered and ruined building leads the young dinosaur to wonder why the apes continually took residence in abandoned-quality buildings. Why, if HE was the king... but wait! There's treasure to be found!

I wonder why the hand is red...

Treasure is a word with many definitions, though, and Super King comes out of his expedition feeling not much richer, especially after the realization that the grubby red hand marking his acquisitions is the sign of thievery. Though the suspenders on his new casual wear prove inimitably fun to pluck, he finds the leather pants a bit cumbersome in this dry summer heat. And what's more he doesn't really have a stalk of wheat or corncob pipe to complete the ensemble.

Back to Farmer Ted you go, clothes.

It is with some hesitation that Super King forces himself into the stagnant aroma that permeates the dungeon proper. Is this really where this Jauffre fellow lives? It certainly seems more dank and full of scampering imp monsters than humans usually prefer in their living arrangements... oh well, sally forth! And what's this? A voice not too far down the hall!

Hey Jauffre! Wait... you're not Jauffre...

Although Super King tries to explain himself, the bald pated human (nee "Conjurer"), starts flinging fireballs and summoning offensive monsters without a moment's hesitatation. Hey wait!! We're on the same side!

The Conjurer, no doubt a closeted bigot, has no problems with the continued flinging of flame in Super King's direction. Well eventually our reptialian buddy has had enough of this and puts him down with the utmost in prejudice. Super King takes a brief second to reflect on how he apparently chose the wrong clothes chest to rummage through, but quickly gets distracted and finds himself trying on the wizard's shoes.

Didn't they write a song about these?

Deciding that blue suede doesn't really fit him, the dinosaur again dons his worn leather boots and trods on to new horizons. In the distance he spies another decrepit monument and goes towards it hoping for the best. Without even bothering to check the upper floors, sure that they contain nothing but more of Farmer Ted's designer brand leather chaps, he sallies forth into the dank recesses of the tower. It's not long until he is again beset upon by evil forces.

Seriously, I didn't steal anything this time guys!
In the back of his mind he's really hoping this doesn't become a habit. About fifteen imps later that hope is dashed like a ship on the rocks. However, all is not lost! A thorough search of the dungeon presents the normal geegaws and knicknacks that Super King is by now accustomed too, along with a princess ransom in pilfered 'imp gad', whatever the heck THAT is (probably better that we do not know). In Super King's discerning eye, one singular treasure stands out:

Be honest, I make this look good.

What we've neglected to mention is that dinosaurs have an almost omnipotent resistance to disease, and the frilly garment is all but wasted on our handsome hero. He carefully packs it away all the same. Its weight is negligible, and having it available will come in handy should he run into any of them dino-prostitutes out in the wilderness. The little King (Prince?) is aching something fierce!

Back out into the field, Super King has discovered his convenient map function and now moves onward towards his destination at a fierce clip. Along the way he stumbles upon all matters of roots, mushrooms, and shrubbery that can be picked on a whim. Soon his inventory is overflowing with an amount of pharmaceuticals that would make any pusher blush.

This stuff'll get you like... so high... man... you'll be like... really high... man.

As he walks, Super King ponders future career paths. Already his two run-ins with the civilized world have proved rather disastrous, and the skill required to make potions is so distressingly easy that a child could do it. A HUMAN child, which, of course, means that Super King could do it were he missing nine fingers from his scaly hands. He is a dinosaur, after all, and inherently better. ' there good money in the drug trade these days?' he queries to no one in particular. Cresting a hill he comes upon what must be a sign from god.

The motherlode!
A farm! Full of plants and shrubs and weeds for the plucking! And none of them flagged as 'stolen'! Within moments Super King has nicked every spot of produce the place has to offer and is considering a life of early retirement, but the light burning in the house nearby makes him think of bigger and better things. If they're rich enough to have a whole FARM, what must they be hiding behind that crudely locked door?

Further inspection and three lockpicks later, we find out the answer to that question: not much. But Super King won't let tiny quibbles like that delay him from his quest to improve his living situation. Also there's a few bottles of high priced brandy on the shelves that are just too good to pass up and there's a bench that looks miiiiighty comfortable.

Super King briefly considers making sitting in every chair in the land his NEW quest... the sky's the limit!

Soon the thievery game gets a little boring and after enjoying his good long sit his dino-brain turns its eyes towards deeper and deeper machinations. Though it is dark, he sets back out on the road to see what he can see. And what-ho! Off in the distance is a building that looks halfway decent. By dinosaur standards it'd be good enough to raise your cattle in... which probably means it's a place of some import to the apes. This time he's gonna try REALLY REALLY hard not to steal anything.

The cautious approach.

Upon coming up to the building, a chapel of some sort, he finds a stable wherein a rather belligerent dark elf chides him for seeking to joyride around on one of monk's horses. Well if they're monks they shouldn't have horses to begin with! Whatever happened to self-flagellation? When did that go out of vogue?

With enough persuading the dirty thing with the pointy ears gives up the good stuff. Jauffre is here and he's been waiting for me! Without a moment to lose Super King rushes up the stairs to claim his prize (which he hopes is money, and the government-sanctioned ability to sell the Emperor's amulet at a local pawn shop). Jauffre, who seems to be the prior of this place, gives him some long winded story about the gates of "oblivion" or whatever while Super King lounges back and lets the dollar signs ring up in his head.

It is not meant to be... and Jauffre relates that he has an errand for our hero to run before he gets to go from rags to riches. Looks like the Emperor liked to cat around, and he's got an illegitimate son waiting somewhere out there. And what's more, Jauffre's gonna keep the amulet! Super King's sole consolidation is that Jauffre opens the chapel's coffers to him.

Oh yeah baby, gimme the good stuff.

The "good stuff" isn't as great as he hoped, but a set of shiny iron armor is better than a cruddy set of rusty iron armor any day, so Super King gleefully makes the trade-off before taking his leave. Jauffre encourages our hero to ask the other monks for assistance, which Super King gleefully does in the traditional way...

With his fingers... in their pockets... while they're sleeping.

His pickpocketing skills aren't exactly as refined as he would've hoped, so yet another ancient Samurai sword slips out of his grasp, but he comes out the matter a few gold richer all the same. And he even manages to sweet talk one of the brothers into giving away his prized horse. Now, Super King didn't want the horse anyway, horses smell, but the ability to ride in circles around the Dark Elf while calling out profanity and racial slurs is priceless.

All good things are meant to come to an end, and Super King wallops his mount on the rear and sets it running into the distance before setting off himself...

But not before leaving the snide Dark Elf a parting gift...

All your sheep, gone! That'll teach you to MESS WITH ME pointy ears!


Anonymous HighwayWhore said...

Not as funny as number one, but still AMAZING! Keep going, dude! Dark Brotherhood appearing in the future?

5:22 AM  

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