Saturday, April 08, 2006

First Step: Prologue

Super King Awesome, whose full name is roughly translated from the Latin as Terrifying Lizard(!!): Super King Awesome (in the true style of any Megaman boss) is no ordinary dinosaur. It's well known that there is a reptilian race of superbeings hiding at the center of the earth that we understand to be called dinosaurs. It is ALSO well known that they are martialing their power even as we speak, getting ready to overthrow the human race.

So how could a dinosaur become the hero to a world in peril, you ask? Well the answer is really quite simple. Super King Awesome is a dino-SUBVERSIVE, a secret agent working inside the confines of the dino-race for the protection of humankind. His task is a hard one. Much like the FBI Agent on an undercover drug sting, the very humans that Super King is working to save know him as nothing but a traitor. It's a path he must walk alone, but deep in the recesses of his cold blooded heart he knows that what he does is right.

Also, he was enticed by the 'shiny rocks' offered to him by the erstwhile Emperor during their daring escape. But this will all by told in time...

After no less than four attempts at creating what I consider the 'dino-perfect' super character, my militant lizard is born. Oblivion does not make the task of character creation very easy for obsessive-compulsive people like me. You're offered scores of options having to do with everything from the size of your character's nostrils to the amount of blush in their cheeks. This is all well and good when you're slinging mud together in the rough form of a human being, but the dinosaur race is a proud one and most sliders will produce an eerie glow of a creature bathed in phosphorus. This is not right!!


Noooooot exactly a face well suited for stealth. Handy for midnight bathroom breaks, though.

The four half-hour sessions of me tooling around with dozens of sliding bars produced what you see below. He's not as green as a true dinosaurian would be... but my excuse is his long exile from the dinosaur kingdom has dulled his once lustrous coat. Also it made him have those skanky fins on the back of his head instead of the stately domed ridge of the Triceratops as we'd all rightly prefer. Some day, Super King, some day.


The face of your new leaders. Tremble, and cry and stuff.

When Super King awakens from his slumber he finds himself locked in a cell, alone, no doubt placed here by the treachery of the very humans he swore to protect, also... Super King has a penchant for dino-hookers and that might have something to do with it. They'll regret that, he swears in his reptilian tongue, mutely considering a rebellion against his captors we have unjustly imprisoned him in this cantankerous cell. Almost as if on cue Super King is forced back to consciousness by the racist jeering of his next door neighbor, an irascible fellow who appears to be of Dark Elven descent. Super King will have none of this, and quickly raises his claws for a battle.

But there's no time!! Voices are heard down the hall and our hero attempts to quiet himself in order to maintain some semblance of legality. Though rage burns in his heart, he knows the only way out of this situation may be to kow-tow to the apes and try to explain his situation. Already he's given no quarter, the guards shuffle their precious Emperor through the filth of the prison while Super King makes his groaning plea for fairity. Humans! Your sexual hangups and taboos are not applicable in the dinosaur kingdom! A rude Redguard adorned in regal armor forces him into a corner. Super King has had about enough of this, and prepares himself again for a fight!


Guard or no guard, nobody calls me a wetback!

Again his complaints are silenced, almost before he can react the guards have pressed a stone on the wall and revealed a secret passage into the tunnels under the castle. Curses!! The sole brick he neglected in his search! Super King takes only a moment to reflect on his weakening Dino-Secret Agent training before disregarding the warning of the guards not to follow them. Hold your tongue, human, my escape attempt will be hindered by no one!

Super King sticks close to the shadows, staying low and out of sight so as not to attract the attention of the heavily armed guards. Soon he'll make his move and these humans will pay. But again his intentions are cut to the quick, the Emperor is besieged by armor-clad assassins who seem to appear from the very shadows! Thinking that his assistance in this matter will look good to the medieval parole board, Super King leaps to the rescue. With all the rage a dinosaur can muster (which is quite a bit) he fells two of the foul traitors with his bare hands, but not before the captain of the guard, a cute lady-type, is slain in the process. Super King would never admit it in public, but he can be down with a little primate lovin' from time to time.


Oh, guard lady, we hardly knew ye.

This proves to be a blessing in disguise, and from her corpse Super King is able to scavenge a rather fetching katana. Now he'll be able to act out all those prison day dreams of mincing his captors to bits just like a true Samurai!! Unfortunately he is not able to get similar usability out of the burnished armor carried by the assassins. It appears that upon slaying them the bewitched plate explodes into red mist. Super King dons their robes in an attempt to resurrect the strange enchantments, but their bewitchings are far beyond his comprehension. He keeps the robes anyway, because they make him look stylin'. And if there's one thing a dinosaur knows how to do it's look gooooooooood.


Correction: stylin' AND profilin'.

As if attracted by the very aura of fashion that our hero exudes, rabid animals come calling. The guards have already moved on, ignoring Super King's plight as callously as is to be expected from a group of knuckledraggers. Double curses!! Rats! A dinosaur's most hated foe!*


*Actually, most dinosaurs consider 90-95% of the world's species to be their 'most hated foe' in varying degrees of emotion. Rats just happened to be the most convenient "hated foe" at the moment, though they only edged out the dirty apes by a very slim margin. For reference, the other 5-10% of species are just -really- hated foes. Dinosaurs aren't exactly a friendly people.

Continuing through the passage, Super King finds he's lost the scent of the escaping monarch and has to dig his own path through a broken wall and into the decrepit tunnels. Not long after his entrance he's able to supplement his sweet robe with a set of "barely used" leather armor off the corpse of a certainly-not-foreboding skeleton. Super King hisses in delight as he 'pops the collar' on his hood. Now with his new digs he's ready to face any foe, and no longer fears retribution from the rat colonies that are certainly mounting their counterattack. His forked tongue snakes eagerly across his lips, thirsty for the spilt rodent ichor. The overeager warrior crams a hunk of meat purloined from the corpse of one of the rats into his jaws, but the results are less than satisfying, and leaves him feeling dizzy and not a whole lot else. Note to self: in the future avoid uncooked meat cut from rabid animals.

See? We're learning already!


Apparently skeletons don't believe in anything remotely resembling pants. King Awesome's scaly red bottom is exposed for the world to see. How shameful!

Super King has no desire to be seen in subpar duds, though, and his wish is granted. Light armor never was his style, and just around the corner he comes upon a cache of more masculine wear. Leave those horrid cow-armors to females and the sissy pointy ears. Any true dinosaur wouldn't be caught in anything less than the forged rock of the earth. It's not perfect, but the iron plating he scavenges from a defeated clutch of rats will prove fitting gear until he can scrounge up some protection befitting a member of his race. He only hopes to avoid contact with other Saurians. Oh how they'd laugh if they saw him in this condition!


It's not exactly fit for a king, but given the circumstances...

Not much further down the road, Super King finds another traveler beset by the rat menace. His good nature swells to the surface (also at this distance he can't tell whether it's a cute chick or not) and our hero leaps into the fray, cutting vermin down with the practised ease that days of practice alone in his cell inured in him. By the time he notices his companion isn't all that he seems it's too almost too late to defend himself.


That's no woman! Triple curses!! The walking dead!

A flurry of less-clean swipes downs the traitorous zombie and Super King examines himself for teeth marks, cursing his fate and decrying how hard it is to find a cute girl these days. But on to the matter at hand... the last thing he needs is to be transmogrified into one of the walking dead in this disgusting heap. What causes these humans to occupy these filthy holes is beyond him, but through the stench he knows he can smell fresh air just around the bend!

Apparently Super King's nose is confused from years of imprisonment. What he finds instead is a quaint little mid-cave restaurant. The parched dino takes a seat, excited for his very first taste of freedom. And maybe a fine aged scotch to pass the time. His tail twitches in excitement. Finally some signs of civilization!


My word! The service here is atrocious!

The breeze through the tunnels brings the strange stench closer to his nares. And upon further inspection...


What would the board of health have to say about this?!

Trying to force the dino-bile down his throat, Super King plods on through the tunnels, hearing gibbering voices that he presumes belong to the owners of the little roadside cafe. Goblins!! He should've known! What other race offers such embarrassing customer care (and also eats rat?) Not one to take poor service sitting down, Super King quickly forms a plan into action that any A-Team member (except Murdock) would be proud of. A pile of logs sits there, ripe for the pushing.


Even Admiral Ackbar would agree!


Next time I want free refills on my coffee!


In the grim aftermath Super King is able to scavenge all sorts of cool and interesting items from the corpses, and the corpses of many goblins to follow. And to the victor goes the spoils! In a nearby chest our dinosaur discovers what might just become the next big fashion trend...


Ce chic?

His newfound obsession is short lived, though, as a magical burst causes him to rethink his disposition on hunter green shirts vis-a-vis a rat and goblin infested dungeon. Turning to the source of the problem, the valiant Super King recoils in horror. Oh brazen youth, you've failed me! Invoking the name of Admiral Ackbar, the lamest of all internet trends, has resulted in a terrifying rip in space-time. Out of the mold comes the Emperor Palpatine, full of hate after his inability to kill/convert Luke Skywalker on many occasions. Now his bloodlust searches for dino-victims!



You get it? Right? Yeah... you get it.
Is Star Wars still funny...?

It is a brutal and hardfought battle, mostly because I'm only just now learning that you have to hold the button down when you want to shoot arrows at someone, so most of them just end up eating dirt while fireballs rain down upon me. It's lucky that I have a mastery of the healing arts and in the end Super King is victorious and claims his prize, a rather heavy staff with a curiously large gold value. How exciting!! But even more exciting are the voices he hears in the distance. Super King sneaks forward, stalking his prey like his ancient dino-ancestors might have. He finds a high ledge on which to observe these new denizens of the deep. And what is this? Why, it's the Emperor's (the OTHER Emperor's) party, still trying in vain to escape this place. Looks like they might need a hand...

Or an arrow in the fanny for being such jerks...

Let's find out!


I promise, no more Ackbar after this. For reals!!

Before Super King can deliver his pure and righteous retribution, the assassins are at it again. Uriel barely has the time to ask some ridiculous question about what sign Super King was born under (here's a hint: It's the one that makes you AWESOME) before being bowled over by a sneaky surprise attack.


Hey guys! Did I miss the party?!

With his last breath he bequeaths unto me the ancient relic of his family, an amulet with a WHOPPING big jewel. Or... at least that's the story I'm telling the guards. I deny all allegations that I had anything to do in the matter of the Emperor's bizarre demise.

In a strange change of mood the attitude of the guard changes from racist and distrustful to 'Yo guy! Would you mind saving the world for us? You can keep the amulet!' to which point I'm all like 'Aw heeeeell no. I just wanna get me a dino-prostitute and throw some dice at the dino-casino!' Well guardy isn't buying it I guess, and after a brief primer on my chosen class (I don't hesitate in giving my custom class the best name in the world: Super Poo, because I am the pinnacle of maturity) he slaps me on my ass and sends me on my way. WITH THE AMULET.

Idiot! Though he is bright enough to steal my sweet-ass Katana, claiming it was 'on loan' or some such nonsense. I keep forgetting to drop it when I get this point and I REALLY want to see if I can sneak it past the guards. Then again... it can't be -that- great if a girl was wielding it so whatever. I have a hard enough time being as awesome as I am already, I don't need to be even SWEETER by adding ancient Eastern fighting blades to my repetoire. All good things in time. My Stength value isn't high enough to carry my cool factor as is.

Well, not my cool factor AND all those hunks of rat meat, anyway. And a fella's gotta eat.

It's not that much further until the mouth of the tunnel, the alluring taste of fresh air driving young Super King on. It's almost a shame, if the Emperor hadn't wussied out like twenty feet from the exit he might still be alive today... and I wouldn't be intending to pawn his amulet at the first shop I see.

Probably...

No wait, probably not... it's just more convenient for ME this way.


FREEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Tune in next week, kids!

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, good read and very funny. I'll definately be checking back for another episode.

11:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This whole blog is a waste of time and reads like tp I wiped my ass with. Stop wasting your time on this bs. Just play the game; you dont make it funny.

10:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is awesome, anyone who says otherwise is a dino spy

5:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

kinda amusing for a bit
but yeah its a waste of time

5:55 AM  
Blogger Nurdbot said...

Awesome. I loved reading this.

4:08 AM  
Anonymous HighwayWhore said...

Amuse the masses, good sir, and continue on with the adventures of Super King, Super Poo and with an enormously high ego and cool factor!

5:11 AM  
Blogger amie said...

lol. this is hilarious. i randomly stumbled across it and I haven't stopped laughing! (i love oblivion by the way, but making a girl character that doesn't look like a luminescent man is rather difficult)cheers!

7:52 AM  

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