Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Fourteenth Step: A Brief Interlude

It's been awhile, again, and this is gonna be a short one. The next one is all about Super King's experiences in the Arena (which, so far, is about the most amazingly lame part in a game that can be pretty amazingly lame). For now let's tie up a couple loose ends.

Super King, willful guy that he is, is easily distracted by a new quest that pops up on his roster.

You don't say...

Well there's no time to waste!! We hustle off to the frozen norths of Bravil to look up this Andragil lady and see what she has to say. Turns out she's the "Master" Block trainer, and if we complete a task for her she'll be only too happy to teach us everything we want to know about blocking and what have you.

Lay it on me, babe!

The quest is tooooooo... block for awhile while she hits you with a low damage weapon. Are you kidding me?! I thought I'd at least have to block a ferocious pterodactyl while falling off a cliff into a lake of searing lava a thousand feet below. THAT would've been a cool quest! Standing there for forty seconds with the right mouse button held is, uhm... not really as fun. Super King tends to agree with me, but as easy as it is it seems like it'd be a waste NOT to do it and have the mysterious secrets of the universe opened up to us. So we settle in our shield and she lays into us.

The test completed, Super King imagines himself soon behind a shield of crimson and gold, fending off the hordes of the uncouth barbarians that walk this land, their piercing barbs unable to find purchase due to his masterful skills at the protective arts.

It's actually not as fun as that... the lady just charges you money to level up your Block skill. Well Super King ain't no goddang SUCKER! Ain't nobody gonna charge him money for something he could get for free!! Or... that's what he'd say anyway, if it weren't for the fact that he's a lazy kannicker and he doesn't want to waste his time standing in front of a rat with his shield held in front of him. Alright lady, fine, sign me up for five levels of Block.

Now on to the next quest! Follow the creepy ghost!

Hey creepy ghost, I'm supposed to follow you!

Right into the bears... NOOOOOOOO!!!

Bears dispatched, the following of the ghost continues until we reach his hidey-hole, all locked up in the bottom of a sunken ship.

Well now. There's something you don't see every day.

The ghost's reward, and I don't want you to get too excited about this, is pirate booty. Normally pirate booty is totally cool, and Super King totally TOTALLY gets pumped up for dubloons and cutlasses, but instead it's a rotting underwater chest filled with worthless rocks and scrolls. In what universe is a diamond worth exactly jack and crap? That sucks!!

Next we're shipped out to some island to find a lady's husband. Strange statues greet our arrival.

This isn't some creepy Jesus island, is it? 'cause I'm not really into that.

It's true!! Dinosaurs have their own religion, it's called "being totally awesome and kicking ass all the time forever". Super King told me he'd let you join, but you sort of have to be a dinosaur to do it... better luck next time?

The kidnapped farmer has SO MUCH POWER that he BREAKS MY FONT COLORS!

Listen buddy, I have no idea what you just said.

But I sorta figure it out, it's like we're in that movie where Ice Tea is the hobo hunted by the rich guy for money. And if he wins he gets a whole bunch of cash and if he loses... well, you can figure it out.

The difference with this one is instead of being a naked Vietnam veteran in the forest that I get to keep all my equipment, and all I have to do is waste some losers in glass armor. It does give me lots of glass armor!

We try it on just to see what it looks like...

Wow. I'm not gonna be winning any fashion contests in this abortion they call armor.

Then the orc who organized the whole "game" jumps us and kills the farmer!! Goddangit, now I won't get sweet loving from the farmer's old lady!!

...or will I?

You'd be more intimidating saying that if your hair wasn't made up like an R&B Diva circa 1994.

Next! We have to reunite some twin brothers in Cheydinhal or something!! The townspeople don't seem to get that there are people that look exactly like other people, called twins, and call on the superior intellect of the dinosaur people to solve this peculiar dilemma. Super King accomplishes this feat with the ancient, lost art of INTRODUCING THEM TO EACH OTHER.

Are you sure I'm not just looking into a MAGICAL MYSTICAL MIRROR?!

Then we get to drink beer!!

Brother, you are speaking my language.

He doesn't, but only because I already stole it... er... I mean... let's drink some more!!

Returning to town, we find out that the magical sword we found in a nearby cave once belonged to the town of Chorrol, and what's more it was stolen by the father of the twins and that's why they were separated!! Or something... anyway, this Thieves Guild fence tells us to give it to him...

I will gladly waive all payment if you get a dang haircut

...but he just offers us some piddly sum of money. Instead Super King does the 'right thing' and returns it to its rightful owners, some bitchy noble woman in Chorrol's castle. We're justly rewarded with...

A shield.

This is what the Romans used to call 'irony'.

I know it's not irony.

Well, at least that block training won't go to waste!!